


Why Kidnapping Angel Dust is a Bad Idea, Except When it Isn’t

by Always1



Series: Snake and Spider Matchmaking Services [1]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: 5+1 Things, 666 News, A Wild Stolas Appears, Alastor’s Shadow is twice as violent as Alastor, Alcohol, Angel Dust Being Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Angel is Alastor’s Kryptonite, Bad Advice, Bar Room Brawl, Breaking and Entering, Brief Feels, But much less effective, Charlie is Lucifer’s daughter, Cherri and Bow are Frenemies, Cinderella Elements, Concerned Bow, Costume Parties & Masquerades, Courtship, Demons Are Assholes, Drama, Embarrassment, Evil Valentino, F/M, Frenemies, Good Friend Angel Dust, Humor, Hypnosis, Insecure Sir Pentious, It’s called FRIENDSHIP, Katie Killjoy hates Charlie, Kinda, Language of Flowers, Lies, M/M, Misunderstandings, Morning After, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Oblivious Sir Pentious, Overhearing Sex, Pentious gets traumatized, Protective Sir Pentious, Run away!, Secret Admirer, Secrets, Shopping Malls, Stealth dating, Tailoring, Talking about Kinks, Tom Trench lives in fear, Trapped In Elevator, Valentino Being a Jerk (Hazbin Hotel), Victorian Attitudes, Violence, good advice, not really - Freeform, oblivious OC, protective Angel Dust, questionable research
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 66
Words: 50,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22432480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Always1/pseuds/Always1
Summary: Alternatively titled: Five Ways Sir Pentious Didn’t Get the Girl, and One Time She Got Him InsteadThe last thing Angel Dust expected when he woke up strapped to a table was that his good pal Edgelord needed advice on wooing an old buddy of his, but never let it be said that Angel stood in the way of a man looking to get some (sorry, to “court a lovely young woman”).Sir Pentious may not live to regret his life choices, but at least he’ll die with style!
Relationships: Angel Dust & Cherri Bomb (Hazbin Hotel), Angel Dust & Original Character, Charlie Magne/Vaggie, Sir Pentious & Angel Dust, Sir Pentious (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Character(s)
Series: Snake and Spider Matchmaking Services [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641940
Comments: 720
Kudos: 315





	1. A Kidnapping Gone Weird

As Hell’s number one porn star, Angel had gotten pretty used to waking up in bondage over the years, be it handcuffed by all six wrists to a king sized bed or tied up like a present at a fellow performer’s feet. Admittedly, being strapped down by thick leather bands to what he was pretty sure was an examination table was a little weird, but medical kinks were common enough that it didn’t raise any red flags.

No, _that_ wasn’t the weird part.

It also wasn’t the lack of cameras, since Val was pretty good at a quick set up for his more “when inspiration strikes” kind of shoots. It wasn’t even that he was still wearing his pajamas, an oversized pink sweatshirt with a rhinestone spiderweb on the front and tiny purple shorts.

No, none of that could phase a seasoned professional like Angel.

The really strange part was...

“Are we fucking moving?! What the hell kind of set are you morons using?!”

There was no reply. 

Angel was Hell’s number one porn star, his studio’s golden ticket. Even with his little...getaway to the Happy-Hazbin Hotel, the little people behind the scenes in his movies _always_ answered him. 

And his sets DID NOT move.

Except for “Meals on Wheels,” but you could only do so many NASCAR themed skin-flicks before you had to move on to some fresher material. This year’s big thing was “Under the Sea,” so he’d been practicing his scuba technique, not that these ungrateful pukes appreciated all the work he put into getting the most oomph out of their shitty scripts.

“Hey! HEY! Get the fuck over here and get me out of this, you dumb, shitfaced bottom-feeders! Hurry up, or I’ll-“

“Do you ever sssshut up?!” 

Angel stopped his tirade mid-threat, eyes going wide. He knew that shrill, obnoxious hiss! Looks like he wasn’t about to make movie magic after all.

...unless the scaly edgelord had a camera he wanted to break out. He didn’t normally do pro-bono (heh, bone-o) work, but things at the Hotel had been SO boring lately, even an uptight Victorian would help ease the tension of another semi-celibate week.

Besides, he’d read enough “educational materials” in the studio’s archives to know those Victorians were into some kinky shit when they deigned to unwind those corsets and yank the sticks out of their asses.

And Angel did so like helping people...unwind.

“Hey, Baby,” Angel cooed, letting his eyes narrow seductively, “if you wanted me here so badly, all you had to do was ask.”

Now was the part where Pentious would slither on over and the fun could start.

Instead, the snake demon, who been moving through the open doorway during his invitation, halted, eyes going wide, top hat nearly falling off as his head jerked back.

“No need to be shy, Hot Stuff. I’m already tied down, and I’ve been _sooo_ lonely here on my own.” No one appreciated how difficult it was to pose seductively when he was strapped to a gurney, but Angel supposed he made it look effortless by now.

“That’sss not what you’re here for, you classsslessss trollop!” The wannabe Overlord snapped, dark cheeks going green in mortification, the extra eyes on his hat and tail pointedly looking anywhere other than over at his captive’s crude display. “Now clossse your legsss before I have them ssssawed off!”

To say Angel was displeased would be putting it mildly.

“Man, what the fuck!? Why’d you go yanking me out of bed if you aren’t trying to get me naked in yours!? Do you have ANY idea how hard it’s been having to wake up before noon in that crappy hotel, and you bring me here to what? Talk?!”

From their past fights, here was where he’d expect the pretentious, snake-faced asshole to begin spelling out his “massster plan” to lure in Cherri and destroy her, or maybe use him as bait to get back at the Happy Hotel somehow.

The awkward silence was new, as was the blush spreading down the usually confident villain’s neck.

 _Oh._ This might be better than surprise sex.

Angel Dust smelled drama. 

Grinning wide, Angel decided to speed things up. “Talking, huh? Well, if you need something and you ain’t gonna put out, I’m expecting a damn good drink while you tell me what’s got your lace all ruffled.” 

There was another pause.

“Would you prefer gin or ssssherry?”


	2. A Whine Over Sherry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel finally finds out why Pentious kidnapped him. He isn’t happy, then he REALLY isn’t happy, then he’s down for it.

Sherry, as it turned out, was pretty fucking decent for an old lady drink, Angel thought. After getting cut off by Husk for the third time in a month, hell’s hottest spider was gonna savor every last drop.

“-ssso, due to your acquaintanccesship with my fair Boa-“

Yep, savoring the alcohol.

“-and win her favor-“

Good, goooooood alcohol. 

“-lovely green of her ssscaless-“

Alcohol that could almost block out Pentious’s sappy, creepy description of his second best friend after Cherri.

“-whosse powerful tail-“

Okay, booze time was ruined. 

“Man, I don’t need to hear about you wanting Bow’s _tail_! I got that from you practically popping a semi over her picture!” Angel pointed to the picture of himself and Bow, still clutched tightly in the English supervillain’s claws.

_Speaking of which..._

“How the Hell did you get that pic if you’ve never even talked to her? My copy’s still at the studio and her- you freakish stalker, when were you in her dressing room?!”

Now, Angel Dust had his share of weird fans, but Bow wasn’t in his line of work, and he _KNEW_ she wouldn’t like some arrogant, entitled shitwad breaking into her private space and messing with her stuff. The female snake demon may be fun to mess with, but there were some fucking limits!

“It wasssn’t like that!” Pentious denied, hood flaring as he went on the defensive. “I wass merely returning an item that had been dissplacced during one of her performanccess, and hoping to perhapss give my complimentss when I noticced thiss picture and realized you could be a font of knowledge into Misss Bow’ss likess and disslikesss!”

“Then why did you have to steal her picture!” Angel Dust wasn’t going to let that go without a better answer, and he sure as shit wasn’t giving the least favored reptile in his social circle tips to score with his friend until he had a damn good reason. He was an opportunist, not a backstabber, damnit!

“BECAUSSE IT ISS THE ONLY WAY I AM ABLE TO SSEE HER!”

Snake and spider stood less than a foot apart, chests heaving and eyes glaring. After a moment, Sir Pentious backed away, expression softening as he glanced back at the image of his serpentine beloved.

“I...I am not a man accusstomed to ssuch dissstractionss, neither in life nor in death. I have never oncce conssidered taking a mate, or undersstood the preoccupation my peerss have for the fairer ssex, but with Misss Bow...my Boa-“

Red eyes looked back up at Angel’s mismatched pair.

“-I find that my time in the Pentagram will be a truer Hell than any I’ve known without her by my sside.”

Shit.

This was so much worse than what Angel had thought.

Edgelord wasn’t just some creepy stalker (although he was _absolutely_ still a creepy stalker).

The self-proclaimed “evil masstermind” was in love with Bow.

Now what was he going to do about THAT?

Angel’s first impulse was to tear the guy a new one for creeping on his friend, then come back with Cherri to trash the scale-faced bastard’s airship. Fucker deserved that and more for kidnapping him in the first place.

Then again...

Would Pentious and Bow really make such a bad couple?

The feathered serpent demoness was hot as fuck, and this was coming from an authority on hot bodies, but she’d never had the best track record with men.

Always too dumb, always too aggressive, always too entitled. Plus, sexual compatibility wasn’t all that easy when you had a snake’s tail from the hips down. Angel knew his buddy back and forth, and he knew how every crappy date chipped away at her confidence, making her wonder why she could never find someone looking for more than an adventurous lay.

Pentious...well, in the hour he’d spend rhapsodizing about Bow, it’d always been about how beautiful was, how graceful, how warm her smile was and how kind she seemed to her friends and coworkers.

How he could only _dream_ of working up the nerve to talk to her after her show.

Double shit.

“Fine, I’m in.”


	3. Getting to Know You(r Profile)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious isn’t gonna just walk up to Bow and start a conversation, and Angel doesn’t want to set her up with a guy who’ll treat her like some helpless fairytale damsel. Compromises start small.

_Step 1: Every Courtship Begins with a Formal Introduction_

“Kay, so you’ve seen Bow at the club before?” If Angel was gonna help Snake-Face, he needed to find out what he was working with.

“On sseveral occasionss over the lasst year, yesss.”

“Then why the fuck haven’t you talked to her?! It’s not like she’d mind. Feathers loves meeting her fans. Even the sad, lonely ones drooling over her from the back seats.” The porn star watched with a smirk as Pentious twitched, clearly wanting to object but not sure he could get away with fighting with his temporary instructor of all things Bow.

Eventually, the reptilian gentlemen collected himself enough to reply with a short “It wouldn’t be proper to approach my dearesst Boa without adequate reassson. We’ve yet to be properly introduced.”

...

What

The

Shit?

Any regrets Angel might have had about agreeing to help his and Cherri’s old punching bag vanished in an instant, being replaced with a quickly growing headache. The big noodle wasn’t going to survive asking Bow or any other chick out without some serious help.

Maybe not even then.

...

_This goddamn virgin was gonna be the double death of him._

“Introduced?! Bow ain’t some fancy pants little girl who needs her mama’s permission to talk to a guy, and you better not try to tell me otherwise. I’ve seen her bite the heads off guys who treated her with kid gloves, and I’m talking literally biting their dumbass heads off. Clean cut and everything.”

“And they would have desserved it for dissresspecting her!” the Victorian agreed with a fervent nod, eyes blazing at the thought of his beloved being accosted by such hooligans. “I realize Misss Bow iss from a different time and placce than my own, but I refusse to treat her with any lesss regard than I would have given her had we met during the ssoccial ssseasson. Dissparitiess in our culturess asside, sshe iss a lady and I am a gentleman.”

The headache was growing rapidly.

“Fine, Bow’s a freakin lady,” Angel was willing to agree to that at least. Bow might be a performer, but she kept it classy and didn’t let anyone get farther than a friendly hug without some sort of commitment. “But if you need someone to introduce you to ask her out, why didn’t you just grab Cody from the bar and slip him a twenty? He’s done worse for less, believe me.”

Pentious huffed at the suggestion, the face on his top hat projecting way too much sass for an ugly hunk of felt and silk to be giving to anything with opposable thumbs.

“That ‘Cody from the bar’ hass only worked there ssincce June, and he barely knowss my Boa from Eve. He would hardly make for a resspectable faccilitator of our firsst meeting!”

“Then who do you think knows her well enough to sit right by your delicate constitution?”

At least a dozen eyes shot the spider a very pointed, very judgmental look.

Oh.

Sure, Angel didn’t mind setting up Bow with someone she just might hit it off with, but...well...did he really want her to know that, after over a decade of knowing the multicolored snake-bird, THIS was the best he could find for her?

She’d forgive him if things went to shit, same way she had after he’d accidentally set off one of Cherri’s grenades outside her apartment, but he wouldn’t be able to face her for months if Edgelord went all “Me Alpha Male, You Helpless Female” on her before they even got to their first date.

So introductions were gonna fucking wait until the stripe-loving arachnid was convinced his moron pupil could make a goddamn decent first impression.

And if that meant stalking her social media to show that scaly bastard a bit more about Bow’s work, hobbies and what NOT to bring up around her, well, who could blame a spider for loving the underworldwide web?

That shit was almost poetic.

“Hey, Shitlord, you ever been on Blacklist?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone reading my other story, I swear I’m not abandoning it. Just working out a few things before I commit to the next chapter.


	4. Dat Asp Tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Pentious learns the ways of the social media, Angel does some research of his own. An unexpected helper is expectedly unhelpful.

Angel dragged himself back to the Happy-Hazbin Hotel, eyes blurry and head aching. Teaching Pentious about social media had taken HOURS, and convincing the stuffy Victorian that, no, he couldn’t print out a copy of Bow’s Blacklist page and refer to it during their “introduction” had drained the last of his will to live.

Thankfully, Grumpy Cat passed out on top of the bar meant his two drink a week limit had just been upgraded to more of a buffet-type situation. It’d be just wrong to pass up an invitation like that, and Angel wasn’t big on saying no to much of anything these days.

An hour later found the spider three bottles of vodka down and a still unconscious Husk with a bikini made of maraschino cherries and decorative orange slices, complete with a necklace of tiny drink umbrellas. Angel didn’t think the accessories were overdoing it.

And neither did his followers, several of whom asked if the fruity feline was one of the studio’s new talents.

_Why yes, my loyal followers, and you can reach him at..._

Teach that selfish fuck what happens when you cut him off!

Happily spinning off his barstool, Angel stumbled farther into the lobby, draping himself over a tattered leather couch. Things were looking up again, and as soon as Scales called him back, they could hit up Bow’s club and finally get that stupid ass introduction out of the way.

Then there’d probably be drinks, then maybe dinner and...

...

...

?

“What the shit would that even look like?” Hell’s hottest porn star had seen and done more or less everything over the years, including a couple snake demons back in the late 90s, but he was drawing a huge blank imagining Bow and Edgelord in the sack. Bow, he knew, was super bendy and energetic, but her partner in this scenario couldn’t have done anything more animated than his hand since way before the Titanic set sail (and Angel Dust seriously doubted he’d gotten anything more than a peek at some broad’s ankles or the Englishman wouldn’t have been so damn desperate for his help).

Would... _could_ Pentious stick the landing with Bow if it got to that point? Angel had worked with some virgins over the years, and he knew they tended to...revert a bit when it came to their first time, which meant the snake-man may end up...hissing at her? Spitting poison?

He was gonna need to do some digging.

Pulling his phone back out, Angel pulled up a browser and started looking up snake mating techniques. This being Hell, there was a LOT of video on the subject. Picking one off some knockoff nature documentary, the prostitute let himself get drawn in as an overweight man in a safari hat leaned over a pair of cobras, gesturing to the earth-colored duo excitedly. Okay, so the guy snake (Pentious) approached the girl (Bow), and then there was some coiling, and then the guy head-butted the girl?

Sure. He’d seen weirder come-ons.

Apparently the girl cobra was into it, because the snakes retreated under a canopy of leaves, twined together and...

and that was it.

_Bow, Sweetness, I’m so sorry._

No! Bow was his second best girl buddy and was WAY too hot to get the reptile equivalent of missionary for the rest of her afterlife. If that dumbass inventor was gonna get in her metaphorical panties, he was going to have to bring his A-game and then some!

 _“AH, GOOD MORNING MY INEBRIATED FELLOW!”_ Angel went tumbling off the couch, phone still in hand, as a red blur popped up from out of nowhere, yellow teethed bared in a wide smile. _“MIGHT I INQUIRE INTO WHAT HAS YOU AWAKE SO EARLY?”_

Normally, Angel would’ve worked through the vodka haze to give the Strawberry Pimp some of his signature charm, but, for once, someone else’s needs had to come first.

“Jus’ doing some research for a friend,” he muttered, gaze drifting back down to his phone. Maybe Pentious had some kind of snake in him other than cobra? Something that’d make him a little less vanilla to Bow’s Funfetti?

 _“NOT WHAT I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED TO HEAR FROM A LAYABOUT LIKE YOU,”_ Alastor had just finished with a stack of paperwork and needed a break from the boredom of co-running the hotel. _“PERHAPS I CAN BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE?”_

“Doubt it, not unless you - HEY!” 

Grabbing the phone out of Angel’s hands, the Radio Demon shook his head in false dismay. _“NOW NOW, I’M SURE YOUR CHARITY WORK CAN BENEFIT FROM AN OUTSIDER’S PROSPECTIVE. LET’S JUST SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.”_

Looking down at the screen, the redheaded demon froze like a deer in the headlights, eyes growing impossibly wide at the snakes writhing together in his hand.

Now, after knowing the Overlord for a bit, Angel had come to realize that the cannibal wasn’t really one for anything sex-related, and that was half the reason he hadn’t planned to ask for a study buddy.

...but if he INSISTED.

Springing up, the spider pointed a finger at the snakes, still more or less doing nothing. “That looks really boring, right? Like, there’s no way the girl snake’s getting anything from that, because her guy’s just laying there like a chump.”

Really, it was amazing the species had lasted as long as it had if that was what passed for romance to them.

“What d’ya think the guy snake could do to _really_ rock her world?” Angel looked expectantly over at his audience.

Alastor stood still.

Angel waited.

Alastor didn’t move.

“Um, Smiles? You okay?” Did he just break the Radio Demon? Was he gonna be alright? If Al had a heart attack, did that mean Angel got his stuff?

Carefully taking the phone out of the other man’s hand, Angel closed the video app, stuffing the device back into his pocket.

Alastor didn’t move.

Angel waited.

_Maybe Bow could take charge?_


	5. Sssssstand and Deliver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel finally deems Pentious (mostly) ready to meet Bow. It’s go time.

After a week of intensive coaching, Sir Pentious was ready for his formal introduction to Bow.

_Mostly._

In reality, the past week had been one of the most irritating times of Angel’s afterlife, mentoring what was probably the least bangable person in Hell (including those poor suckers who manifested without their fun bits), and he’d met a lot of losers on the job. They always paid in cash, but it never really seemed worth it...

Anyway, the spider had decided that Pentious was about as ready as he was gonna get without some sort of full-on personality switch, and this was the best chance they were going to get for months.

Friday the 13th. Hell’s answer to Mardi Gras. That meant 1) that Bow was going to be on stage for HOURS, because she was insanely in demand for the holidays and 2) that Snaked-and-Afraid wouldn’t have a chance to fuck this up too badly, because Bow would have a max of ten minutes to chat between sets.

Get in, grab Bow, introduce the diamond to the dumbass, plan a coffee date and let her get back to work.

Short and sweet.

While Angel would normally push the long and nasty, his student still couldn’t take direction well enough to try for too much just yet. The porn star was putting his reputation on the line with this, and he wouldn’t let his friend down!

Even if Bow had no idea what was going on.

“Let’s go over this again. I say ‘this is my pal, Sir Pentious’ and you say?”

“It issss a privilege and an honor to meet ssuch a sshining example of feminine charm and gracce.”

God-fucking-damnit.

“What you SAY,” Angel snapped, “is ‘nice to meet you.’ Bow’s gonna be in a rush to get back to work, so you need to keep it simple. We’re gonna be in a dance club, not having tea with the Queen of England. Now try it again. I say ‘Pentious is actually a big fan of your show’ and you say?”

The pale arachnid narrowed his eyes, daring the snake to fuck it up again.

“I ssay...’I’ve never sseen anything like it. Your work with light isss outsstanding from a sscientific and aessthetic ssstandpoint.’”

“And then?”

“Then I ssugesst we could dissscuss thiss further at another time.”

It was a B- at best, but Bow was nice enough that it’d work. They had this.

“Let’s go.”

The Rainbow Room, aside from having a name shamelessly stolen from a Manhattan landmark, was the hottest club in Pentagram City, and one of the rare few that catered to ALL types of demons, from the snootiest royals to the sleaziest hookers and their coked out clientele.

Starting tonight, it would be the site of Angel Dust’s greatest triumph.

Just as soon as they got to Bow.

Pushing their way through the door, the pair began a slow trek towards the bar, working their way through hundreds of moving bodies. The place was packed way past capacity, but the band was on fire, so the bar was almost empty. 

Popping himself down on a stool, Angel ordered a tray of tequila shots while his nervous mentee angled his head toward the stage, eyes squinting to see through the strobe lights.

“Ssshe issn’t on s-sstage yet.” 

“She’s changing her costume,” Angel looked down at his phone, shooting Bow a reminder that he was there and to meet him at the bar when she had a moment. His phone chirped in response, and Angel grinned at the reply.

This was gonna be so good!

“H-how nicce. S-sshe has ssuch a fl-flair for f-fassshion.”

Now that a solid week of planning had gotten him to this point, the serpent was starting to panic. He would finally be meeting his Boa. His beautiful, lovely, wonderful...

He needed a drink.

Reaching forward, Pentious snagged a shot glass from the tray while his temporary ally typed out another message, shooting it back with a wince.

Did Miss Bow enjoy tequila? He’d never seen her consume alcohol, but perhaps she merely avoided it during her work hours. She was so dedicated to her work, so passionate about everything that caught her attention. How he wanted to catch her attention!

He needed another drink.

Another.

Another. 

MORE. 

Angel finally put his phone down, smiling wide. “Hey, Snake-Face, they’re still finalizing something with the microphones, so Bow said she has some time to talk now!”

“Tha’ssss loverly, Ang-Angela,” the supervillain slurred, face flushed green and eyes glazed. “Missssss Bow isssss juss sso thought..thought...thought-fill!”

“Motherfucker, are you DRUNK?!” Angel couldn’t believe it. That scaly son of a bitch was about to meet his dream girl and he’d gotten himself plastered? Where’d he even...?

Angel looked at the half empty tray of tequila shots.

The thirty shots he’d ordered to celebrate with everyone at the bar after Pentious asked out Bow.

The thirty shots he’d ordered...

...plus a little something extra he’d paid Cody to slip in the glasses, something to really make the night end with a bang.

Pentious wasn’t just drunk.

He was high off his ass on angel dust.

_I knew that bastard wasn’t ready!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wouldn’t be a 5 & 1 if things went great the first time ;)


	6. Tactless Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious is high, Angel’s losing his mind, and we finally get our first look at Bow!

Pentious leaned against the bar, a line of venom-laced drool trailing down his chin. The lights were soooo pretty, almost as pretty as the pretty lights his Boa used in her act.

Pretty, shiny Boa.

Bow Bow Boa. Rainbow-a. _Inside every demon is a Rainbow!_

Boooooooooooooooooooooooaa-“GACK!”

“Get the hell up, you idiot! Bow’s on her way and she can’t see you like this!”

Angel was freaking out. The wannabe Overlord was drunk, high as a kite, and now doing his best to cuddle the bar counter like a long lost friend. The porn star wasn’t sure what the other man thought the counter WAS, but that was a question for another time.

They needed to scram. Now.

Grabbing the drooling snake with three arms, Angel Dust began dragging him towards the door. They could still make it, and Bow would just think she’d missed Angel in the crowd. He’d call her in a day or two and everything would be just...

...just...

Why weren’t they moving?

Dread rising, Angel looked back at Pentious, whose tail was wrapped firmly around a corner of the bar.

“Man, cut that out! We need to leave before Bow finds us!”

“Leave before my pretty Bow-a findsss ussss? Outra-out-our...” the snake demon paused, eyes narrowing in determination. “Outrage-Usss! What manner of asssissssting person are you!? Leave my Boa after we promissed her company, after YOU ssswore to facil-iate our introduction! I refussssse!”

Hood flaring out in annoyance, Sir Pentious rose unsteadily to his full height, all visible eyes glaring down at Angel. Come Hell or high...something...he was seeing his woman!

Angel pulled again, but he couldn’t move an inch with that tail anchoring them in place. They weren’t getting out of here until Edgelord met Bow, who wasn’t gonna be at all impressed with the boozy noodle.

Unless...

“Okay, buddy, let’s get you introduced to Bow.” Angel might not be able to stop them from meeting, but, if he played this right, he could get them both through this with some shred of dignity intact.

He just had to keep Bow from noticing how wasted her potential soulmate was.

Somehow.

Getting Pentious back onto his stool, Angel gave a quick command and picked up the tray with the remaining tequila shots. What he was gonna do was still up in the air, but there’s no way these babies could hurt any more than they already had.

Now where was...

“Angel!” A flash of pink appeared above the crowd as Bow worked her way towards him, hair feathers puffing up in excitement. The feathered serpent demoness was, if possible, even brighter than usual, wearing a golden shirt studded liberally with crystals around the shoulders and matching bracelets. Dark eyes flashed in delight as she launched herself forward, arms wrapping around her friend. 

“I’m sso glad you could make it! I know you’ve been bussy between your work at the sstudio and the Happy Hotel, sso it’ss good you finally have a day off. How are you?”

Angel relaxed as he let Bow’s voice flow over him. She was right that it’d been a while, and he’d missed her, too.

Which is why it sucked that he was about to wreck the shit out of their reunion.

“Well, take a seat, Snakey Lady, and I’ll tell you all about life at the Crappy Hotel,” the spider chirped, pushing her lightly into the seat next to Pentious, who was now leaning against the bar, eyes closed as if he was concentrating on the music.

Just like he’d been told.

“Before I get into the nitty gritty, have you ever met my pal Sir Pentious?” The dazed Victorian opened his eyes as Angel slapped him on the back, gazing blearily at the glittering body beside him.

“Can’t ssay I have,” Bow smiled, happy to meet anyone her friend deemed important enough to invite to her club. “It’ss nicce to meet you. Iss thiss your firsst time in the Rainbow Room?”

Time to wreck someone’s night.

_This is for you, Bow._

As the demoness looked away, Angel tossed a shot glass over his shoulder. With any luck...

“What the FUCK!?”

Bingo.

Bow spun around on her stool as a bulldog demon stormed over, grabbing the arachnid by the back of his jacket and shaking roughly.

“YOU GODDAMN GUTLESS WHORE! YOU THINK YOU CAN ATTACK MAD DOG LEWIS AND I WON’T RIP YOUR FILTHY ORGANS OUT? YOU PATHETIC, WORTHLESS LITTLE-“

“What did you call him!?” Feathers fluffing as widely as they could go, Bow stood, streaks of multicolored light flickering through the air as her eyes blackened further with rage. 

Damn if he didn’t have the _best_ taste in friends! 

“STAY OUT OF THIS, YOU SLU-GAH!” Angel and Bow blinked in shock as a dark blur shot past them, slamming into the dog demon and sending them both flying across the club.

Was that?

It was!

The Rainbow Room descended into chaos, fists flying as the demon partygoers let loose. Bow and Angel slid behind the bar as a minor Lord of Hell crashed into the wall above them, sending dozens of bottles of top shelf alcohol smashing into the floor.

Oops.

In retrospect, maybe aiming to start a riot in Bow’s place of work wasn’t the _greatest_ decision he’d ever made.

Meh. What she didn’t know wouldn’t kill him for this later.

“You good, Babe?” Angel asked, picking a small piece of glass out of the reptile’s hip plumage. 

“Yess, the glasss wassn’t enough to get through my sscaless,” she replied, popping her head over the bar to take stock of the situation. “I know I ssaid I wanted to catch up, but you and your friend sshould get out of here. I’m gonna need to usse my powerss to sstop thiss, and it’ss not going to be the gentle sstuff.”

“Gotcha. Good luck!” Taking the opening provided by a downed chimp demon, Angel rushed over to Pentious, drooling in drugged victory over a badly injured bulldog.

“Come on! Bow’s about to go full Rainbow on this place!”

“My Boa? Did sssshe like me?”

“Yeah, now move your ass!” This time managing to pull the snake out the door, the film star ran as quickly as he could as the brightly lit building began to flicker with rainbow lights. 

The screaming would start soon.

Stopping in a side ally three streets down, Angel sagged against wall, not even caring about the slime staining the back of his outfit.

He’d done it. He’d really done it.

Bow met Pentious and she didn’t think he was a total idiot.

All it took was trashing her club and making her take on hundreds of demons at once. At least she had good insurance.

“Sso Misss Bow really likesss me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 down, 4 & 1 to go.


	7. (Sugar) Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A guilt-stricken noodle looks to make his Boa smile. Angel’s starting to almost maybe not hate the guy.

_Step 2: A gentleman who finds himself at fault must strive to make amends with his intended before continuing his pursuit._

Angel had gotten to know his old enemy pretty well over the last week. He knew the Edgelord liked grandma wine and music so old even Al wouldn’t touch it, that he wrote numbers on the backs of the Egg Bois NOT to identify them, but because he’d write out chores that needed to be done on a weekly chart and the numbers let them know who went where, and he obviously knew that the snake demon was crazy in love with his girl buddy, Bow.

What he _hadn’t_ known was that Pentious, for all his claims of being pure evil and above sentiment, was one of the most hopelessly noble romantics ever to step nonexistent foot in Hell.

Which brought them to where they were now.

“Why’re you even looking to make things up to Bow? She ain’t mad at YOU. Far as she knows, that crapsack dog-headed asshole was the one to start shit.”

The Victorian whipped around, eyes flashing in irritation. “That’ss not the point! It wass my own actionss that caussed Misss Bow conssiderable hardsship and distressss, and, asss ssuch, it iss my obligation to sset thingss right.”

Anger gave way to self-loathing as Pentious turned back to his idea board. “What wass I even thinking, imbibing ssuch high levelss of alcohol before our introduction? I musst truly have a lesssser tolerance than ever before to make ssuch a fool of mysself.”

_Glad he still hasn’t figured out what was in those glasses..._

“Fine,” the porn star groaned, “so what do you think’s gonna make things better for Bow?” If the villain suggested something sappy like poetry, Angel was going to riot.

“Ssincce my Boa sseemss to already have repairss well in hand, I am unable to asssisst her financially with the rebuilding of her bussinesss. Asss we are acquaintanccess only in the loossesst termss, it would be difficult to approach her directly on the matter of resstitutionss.”

Sir Pentious frowned at the board, looking over dozens of deeply flawed plans for apologizing to his beloved without humiliating himself by confessing his part in her troubles. He wished to hold her close, to ease her stress with his embrace and, through cleverness and his personal resources, to remove the idea of financial strain from his darling Boa’s head entirely.

But he couldn’t, for several reasons.

His Boa had yet to realize his intentions toward her.

He had not yet established a bond close enough to allow for such interventions.

But, most importantly, and as Angel Dust had reminded him on more than one occasion...

His Boa didn’t need OR want somebody to come into her life and take it over entirely. The feathered serpent had been in Hell for years, and had worked hard to earn her place as one of the Pentagram’s most admired performers, perhaps second only to Queen Lilith herself. She was rightfully proud of the time and effort put into her club, and, had she ever desired to live as a cherished housewife or mistress, she had had her choice of wealthy men from the start.

He couldn’t win her over with money and the promise of freedom from labor when she already had money and genuinely enjoyed her labors.

But he had to do SOMETHING, because he had destroyed her club, the place that made her happiest.

He owed her that, even if she did not know why she was owed or who it was attempting to repay her.

“What we musst do then iss provide Misss Bow comfort and enjoymentss at least equal to her losssess, all from afar and...disscretely until sshe iss able to return to work.”

The spider stared at the Englishman incredulously. “You wanna give Bow stuff but you don’t want her to know it was you? How’s that gonna help you get her?”

“I don’t expect you to undersstand my motivations, but this iss about ssomething more important than to merely ‘get her,’ esspeccially when I have unwittingly harmed my Boa with my initial attempt. We will make thingss right, and only then will I continue to court her asss sshe desservesss.”

The dark-scaled demon was officially too dumb to have lived as long as he had.

He was gonna give a girl stuff (a lot of stuff from the sound of it), but he wasn’t looking to earn points?

It was stupid.

It was a waste of time.

It was...well, pretty damn sweet that Snake-Dick loved Feathers enough to try to make her happy and not look to get anything out of it.

Val sure wouldn’t do shit like that for him. No one Angel had ever dated or done would do shit like that. No one Bow had ever dated would do that for her either.

“You’re such a sap, it’s disgusting! Damn straight we’re doing this together; you’d probably send her something lame like a frilly handkerchief and piss her off if you tried doing this on your own. Now, d’ya got anything decent in mind, or are we hitting the mall?”

_Keep it up, Scales, and you just might deserve her._


	8. Getting Mauled (1/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel and Pentious go shopping. A tiny mistake is made.
> 
> *Tiny*

Hoarder’s Hold was Pentagram City’s best, and now only (thanks, Exterminators) mall. The sprawling underground shopping center housed everything from ancient demonic artifacts to some of the best nail polish Angel had ever bought.

If they couldn’t find something there just right for Bow, then that something probably didn’t exist.

“What about this one?” The spider picked up a jeweled hair clip, tilting it to make the emeralds shine in the light. Bow liked bling, and Pentious DID say the price wasn’t gonna be an issue.

“Sshe will never use it. Her featherss fluff up sseveral timess a day, sso a clip would end up pulling on them. Perhapss thiss?” The snake held up a small crystal dog statue. “I ssaw a collection of crysstal figuriness in Misss Bow’ss dresssing room.”

Angel snorted, “Yeah, that’s a nice gesture. Letting her know someone’s been sneaking into her dressing room when she’s not around. That’ll make her feel safe.”

The Victorian sighed, putting the dog down. The striped arachnid had a point, much as he hated to admit it. His Boa would not appreciate knowing he had _accidentally_ entered her dressing room without invitation.

“None of thiss iss right for my firsst offering. Sshould we try the candle or cossmetic sstore next?” 

“You’re not giving her a candle, even if she doesn’t know it’s you giving it. A candle for someone who didn’t ask for a candle is the ‘I give up’ of romantic gifts, a total boner killer. Besides, with her light show, when the hell’d she need a candle?” A goddamn candle, seriously? That was worse than the stupid-ass poem he’d caught Edgelord writing when he’d picked him up that morning.

Bow would sooner marry a toaster than a guy who compared her to “the radiant summer sun rising above a cerulean sea in the blissful morn,” and nobody who heard her reasoning would blame her at all. A least a toaster was useful.

Bow made a mean French toast, and the best home fries. He really should go over to her place for a late brunch sometime...

Shaking off thoughts of crispy bacon and mini quiches, Angel turned his attention back to Sir Pentious. “You don’t know shit about makeup, so I’ll hit Suffora alone. There’s a generic gift shop a few stores down, I can meet you there when I’m done. Kay?”

“What iss the sstore called?” The reptilian gentleman had never been in this part of the Pentagram before, but he’d heard rumors of poor fools becoming helplessly lost in the lower levels, meeting their end at the fangs of the rabid mall rats tasked with cleaning the building after hours.

Demon flesh was a rare delicacy to Hell’s lowest lifeforms, a delicacy he had no intention of indulging.

“Uh...” What was it called again? Gift Gore? Gifts for More? Gift Galore? Was Gift even in the name? “Pretty sure it starts with a G, and I know the sign’s a dark pink. Head right and you can’t miss it.”

“Very well. Meet me there when you finissh at Suffora.” 

As the snake slithered out of the store, Angel bent down to check out a pink and white charm bracelet. The gift store was pretty huge, so he could afford a few minutes to shop for himself.

Gift...Gift....Gallows Gifts Galleria! That was it! Nice store; he’d bought Molly’s last birthday present there.

Wait...

Wasn’t it to the _left_ of One Ring Jewelers?

Whatever. Scale-Face would be fine on his own.


	9. Getting Mauled (2/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious goes shopping alone. Misunderstandings are the root of all drama. Enjoy!

Sir Pentious wove his way through the crowds, repeating the spider’s instructions under his breath. “A pink ssign and a G in the name, pink ssign and a G in the name.”

Hadn’t Angel said the gift store was close by? Had he somehow passed it?

“Pink ssign and a G, pink ssign and a G, pink sssign - ah, here we are!” The snake demon’s expression brightened as he spotted a darkly lit shop with a large pink G as the only indicator of its name. Flicking his tongue out, he caught the scent of a strange but not unpleasant perfume emanating from within.

_Finally!_

Entering the store, Pentious began his search. So many strange items! Picking up a strange sort of metal top, the Victorian examined it closer. What was the function of such an odd item?

“Ah, a customer!” A short demon with three eyes and four arms popped out of a nearby aisle, smiling slyly at the sight of a new customer. “Welcome to _G_ , where your greatest wishes come true for a price. Are you looking for yourself or....perhaps a _friend_?”

“Yess, I am looking for a sspeccial ssomething for a female acquaintancce of mine. Sshe iss in a great deal of sstress asss of late, sso I thought to pick her up a few itemsss to help her relax. Ssmall trinketss at firsst, and then perhapss a more unique sselection if she provess recceptive?”

“Now THAT’S what I like to hear, a man like you seeing to his girl’s needs,” the six-limbed demon said, leer softening slightly at the explanation. “Tell me more about what she’s into and I can whip together some starter items for her to play with.”

What wonderful customer service! Truly, Angel Dust’s advice was spot on about _G_! This Eros (as his name tag said), as a gift store employee, would be a veritable fountain of good advice on the subject of apologizing to his lovely Boa.

“Well, Eross, my intended is a danccer and performer who sspeccializess with lightss. Sshe is quite passsionate and agile, rarely sstaying sstill for long. My Boa iss a ssnake demon, like mysself, although sshe hass traccess of avian traitss asss well.”

“Sounds like a good choice! She more of a sub or a dom?”

What an odd question? Was she sub-what? And what was a dom? Perhaps those were types of dancers? Yes, that would make sense. As a prefix, sub meant lower or lesser, so that would make subs the backup for the main performer. Which meant...

“I believe my darling is a ‘dom’ as you say, and quite a talented one as well.” Such a useful fellow this was, teaching him more about Hell’s latest terms.

“A snake demoness with her hand on the reigns? Yeah, I can totally see that. So are you looking JUST for her or for something you can use together to really unwind? Maybe something like this?” The young shopkeeper held up several strips of bright red fabric, glowing in the low lights of the store. They looked like long silk scarves.

_How are scarves something we would use together to relax?_

No, that wouldn’t work. Bow liked clothing, but she rarely wore anything that trailed down so much.

“Thesse sseem much too delicate for her tasstess. My Boa iss an entertainer, sso sshe iss ussed to...more ssubsstantial itemss.”

Eros laughed, putting down the scarves and leading Pentious farther into the shop. “Lady after my own heart. How about something less restricting and more inflicting. Your Boa already have one of these?” 

_What sort of gift shop sells whips? Does it also double as an equestrian supply store, or maybe an armory? Miss Bow hardly needs physical weapons with powers like hers._

“I’m afraid what sshe usses to disscipline is much more effective than ssimple leather.” In retrospect, this WAS Hell, so weapons as gifts must be fairly common. It was almost a pity that his Boa had no need for such things; he was sure she would be breathtaking in her wrath.

“Goddamn, she keeps getting better and better!” Eros was grinning ear to ear, eyes dilating as he imagined the demoness the inventor was describing. He’d have to look her up after work and see if he recognized any of her _performances_ from his video collection. 

Business first, research later.

“You look around while I grab a few of our specialty choices from the back. Leather and costumes are to the left, toys and DVDs to the right.”

“Thank you for your asssissstancce.” What an excellent helper he was!

The snake moved along the aisles on the right, stopping on occasion to admire a strange new item. The buzzing hairband truly confounded him. Were the vibrations meant to massage the head? How clever!

He made sure to steer clear of the thin red candles, remembering Angel’s earlier criticisms.

Really, Angel Dust could learn a lot from Eros about how to treat gentlemen. Decades in the Pentagram had taught the porn star nothing in terms of maintaining an agreeable demeanor.

Ah, the video section!

An old-fashioned man through and through, the snake demon had never had much interest in films, but his Boa might enjoy having a movie night to herself.

Let’s see...

“Pirate Booty” featuring Gina Spots and Dick Thruman

“Three Going Down” with the Asmodeaia triplets

“Webs of Desire” starring Angel Dust and Others

_Wait_

“Hitting All Fours” starring Angel Dust

“Cabin with the Wood” starring Angel Dust

“Hellfire Special” STARRING. ANGEL. DUST.

...

No.

No, it couldn’t be.

He wouldn’t go into...

He wasn’t shopping in a...

In...

A...

“ISS THISS A SSEX SSHOP?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone see that coming from the last chapter?


	10. Getting Mauled (3/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Pentious bumps into a familiar face in an unfortunate location.

He was in a sex shop.

 _He_ was in a sex shop.

He was _in_ a sex shop.

He was in a _sex shop_.

Looking for a gift.

For his Boa.

...

“Damn you, Angel Dussst!”

The snake couldn’t believe the spider, porn star or not, would send him into this...this...this filthy, depraved shop to find a present for Bow. How could he ever show his face in front of her if he sent her any of these things?

He looked down at the DVDs on the floor, glaring at the whores on the covers.

_Would she even want-_

OFF TOPIC!

He was going to strangle his “assistant” for this, but first he had to leave before Eros came back with whatever shameful curiosities he had in mind for his Boa to use.

Whatever those things might be, he would NOT be making a purchase today!

_Although, should things go well over the next few months..._

Flushing green, Pentious shook his head to dispel the images attempting to form in his mind. None of that! He was attempting to apologize to her, nothing more!

He had to leave.

Slithering back through the dark store, Sir Pentious kept his head down, refusing to let his mind wander to Miss Bow in such crude ways. Hadn’t he made a turn after the candles?

Here?

Here?

Increasingly frantic, the reptilian demon sped up, rushing through the aisles in order to find the exit before _G’s_ most eager employee found him.

This whole experience was so embarrassing, even if nobody had seen-

WHAM!

“AAH!”

“OH SHIT!”

Tripping over a much smaller body, the inventor was sent tumbling into a display, sending large pieces of rubber (the shape of which he REFUSED to acknowledge, even in his state of surprise) flying as the other demon rolled to a stop in front of a large bookshelf.

Two pairs of eyes met.

One red, and one covered with dark lenses attached to

...

No.

He hadn’t run into some random mall-goer, some unnamed creature with no connection to himself.

The snake had run into Tom Trench, co-anchor of 666 News.

_So this is what it feels like to die twice. ___

__The newscaster had yet to get up, looking blankly at the subject of many of his channel’s reports._ _

__As a reporter, and even more as an unrepentant asshole, Tom wanted to whip out his camera and grab a picture of Sir Pentious covered in sex toys before the other man could escape from his silicone prison._ _

__It would be the scoop of the month to show the uptight Victorian in such a compromising position._ _

__Right up until Katie realized that her co-star had gone to _G_ without permission and ripped his dick off. Again._ _

__God, why did he always have to go for the evil ones?!_ _

__“Um,” ok, time to get out of this. “If you didn’t see me here, then I didn’t see you.”_ _

__“I didn’t ssee anything becausse I wass never here.”_ _

__“Great.”_ _

__“Great.”_ _

__Slowly extricating his hand from a suspiciously flesh-toned cylinder, Pentious pushed the last of the toys off his person and disappeared into the store._ _

__Tom Trench waited a minute to be sure the serpent demon had really left before grabbing a large purple something from the pile._ _

__Books weren’t gonna cut it this week._ _


	11. Should’ve Gone to a Different Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel and Sir Pentious have their first real spat as mentor and mentee, but don’t worry, help is on its way!

“For the last damn time, I told you the name started with a G, not to GO to _G_! How’s it my fault that YOU can’t follow directions!?”

Two goddamn days since their trip to Hoarder’s Hold and the dumbass noodle wouldn’t let that shit go. Seriously, what kind of idiot can’t tell the difference between a gift store and a sex shop?

The world’s oldest virgin, that’s who.

But, no, the snake was blaming him for the whole mess, from going into _G_ in the first place to unknowingly leaving the shop with a leash attached to the back of his coat.

Sure, maybe he could’ve mentioned something before those bee demons flew by and snapped about fifty pictures, all of which had made it online (#WhosssAGoodBoi) within the hour, but that wasn’t in the fucking job description, was it? He wasn’t even getting paid for putting up with this passive aggressive bullshit!

On the plus side, he had the _best_ new lock screen for his phone.

That yapping asshole made a very believable lapdog.

“It wasss YOUR incorrect directionss that caussed thiss messs! The picturess are all over Ssplinter - what if Misss Bow sseess them?!”

“Then maybe she won’t think you’re such a STUCK UP TOOL!”

“USSELESSS WHORE!”

“SPINELESS WORM!”

“DISSGUSSTING FURBALL!”

“GO FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS, YOU FUCKING SLINKY!”

“MAYBE AFTER YOU TAKE THOSSSE EXTRA ARMSS OF YOURSS AND SSHOVE THEM UP YOUR-“

“Um, guys?”

Stopping abruptly at the sound of a young woman in the room, Sir Pentious turned from his - from Angel Dust, anger diffusing somewhat at the sight of the foolish blonde princess of Hell. Beside him, the prostitute lowered the gun in his hand.

Halfway.

“What d’ya want, Chucky? Twizzler and I were in the middle of something.” The spider might not hate his unofficial landlady, but he wasn’t in the mood for one of her speeches about peace, love, and, on occasion, fluffy bunnies.

She really sucked at staying on topic...

The petite demoness moved to stand between the venomous duo, sweating a little as snake and spider glared down at her.

“I’m...um, well, it’s great that you two are establishing a more direct form of communication, but maybe we can settle this down before you wreck the lobby?”

Honestly, Vaggie must’ve gotten to her to make her that paranoid. They weren’t going to wreck the hotel this time! Angel looked up, transferring his glare to the Victorian ass-clown behind Charlie.

_This is YOUR fault!_

_Oh, because I’M the one who picked the Hotel as a meeting place?!_

Stubborn bastard.

“There now,” Charlie said, taking their arms and leading them into a side room, bolting the door and smiling as an idea came to mind. Angel and Sir Pentious had been getting along so well lately, hanging out almost every day and having good, clean fun, visiting mutual friends and going on shopping trips, but it looked like they were having some trouble now, and needed some fresh insight to set things right.

HER fresh insight could be just what they needed!

She absolutely couldn’t wait to get started, and she knew neither of them would risk hurting her to get at the locked door at her back.

“Angel, Pentious, I’m so happy that you’ve come to me to help repair the damage to your friendship-“

“What are-“

“You batshit-“

“AS I WAS _SAYING_ ,” the lights dimmed as the princess’s eyes began to glow, a hint of horns pricking through the skin of her forehead, “the best way to work through a misunderstanding is with calm, open-hearted dialogue.”

Damp red patches began bleeding through the wallpaper, trailing down toward the floor as the prostitute and mad scientist huddled together under the piercing gaze of Lucifer’s only acknowledged heir.

“Who wants to start? Don’t worry, _**nobody**_ will interrupt until we have this all sorted out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of have a thing for Charlie’s evil side peeking through when she gets really intense about something.
> 
> Comments welcome!


	12. Good Charlotte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magne, Charlie Magne.

Angel shivered under the tiny she-devil’s stare, willing himself to stop shaking in front of a girl who’d once cried so hard she puked after Niffty picked _Bridge to Terabithia_ for the weekly hotel movie night.

But holy crap was she creepy now.

_And people say she doesn’t take after her dad!_

“ _Well_ ,” shit on a cracker, was her voice getting deeper? “ _if neither of yOu WANt tO START us oFF, I’Ll be haPPy tO PICK. How ABouT **YoU** , AnGeL? WHAt’S gOiNg ON in tHat **HEAd oF youRs?**_ ”

_I think I just peed a little._

“U-uh, I m-mean, y-ya see...”

She was still staring at him.

She was STILL FUCKING STARING AT HIM!

Ok, he could get through this. Charlie was a good kid, she wasn’t gonna hurt him.

Even if her nails looked a little sharper...

And...was that venom dripping down her chin? How the ever loving fuck did a HALF ANGEL have goddamn _venom glands_?!

He could get through this if he stayed nice and calm and

“SNAKE-DICK’S IN LOVE WITH MY FRIEND BOW AND ACTING LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH ABOUT IT!”

Or he could do that.

Turning her head so quickly the pair heard an audible SNAP, the blonde switched her attention to the snake trying to fade into the darkest corner of the room.

“You’re in LOVE?!” Horns receding and eyes going back to their normal doe-eyed sparkle, Charlie beamed at Sir Pentious. “That’s great! Wow, I’m so happy for you; love is such a wonderful thing to find, especially down here. And she’s a friend of Angel’s? Is that why you’ve been so close lately? I just KNEW you two had to have bonded over something big, but I never imagined it was _LOVE_! Is she pretty? Wait, what am I saying, I bet she’s beautiful, and sweet, and have either of you talked about the Happy Hotel around her, because we have rooms-“

_Oh God, I miss Hell Princess Charlotte so much._

“-bring her here sometime soon and we can have lunch and talk about what you three see as your ideal path to Heaven as best friends and loved ones!” The blonde was bouncing in excitement, cheek spots lit up like spotlights as she imagined helping Pentious, Angel, and...right, Bow, having three people to love and support each other into becoming their best selves.

_Eeee! I can’t wait to tell Vaggie!_

“M-m-misss Charlie,” Pentious straightened up as Princess Charlotte’s darker side retreated, knowing he had to make something clear to the hellspawn before she went any further, “I’m a-afraid my Boa and I are not yet more than acquaintanccess. I have had to put my courtsship of her on hold until I find a way to make amendss for some...lesss than ideal behavior during our lassst encounter.”

He felt a little nauseous as she looked at him in obvious surprise. 

“In fact...Angel and I were at oddss becausse of hiss bad advicce the lasst time we met to look for a sssuitable gift.”

_See how you like it when her attention is redirected towards YOU, you tramp!_

“Really? What happened?” She shot a quick glance at the spider before looking back at the scientist.

_Curses._

To the wannabe Overlord’s surprise, the pale arachnid saved him from having to tell her about his visit to _G_ and its humiliating aftermath.

“That doesn’t really matter, Toots,” Angel said, cutting the snake off before he had to reply, “we’re just on edge because we want to do something nice for Bow, but it’s been kinda hard to find anything that feels good enough for Scales to feel like he can get back to _getting that_. So, um, you don’t need to worry about us fighting anymore, and we can just-“

“OH! I have the _BEST_ idea!”

Shit, no, this couldn’t end well.

“We’re actually fine on our own, so if you’d just unlock the door...?”

Charlie giggled, leaning back against the door as a hint of fang peeked through her lips. “Don’t be _silly_ , I’m _**HaPPy tO hELP!**_ ”

Pentious looked at Angel. Angel looked at Pentious. In that short, fleeting moment, all bitterness was forgotten, replaced with one very special, very unified thought.

_Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re enjoying the story! Comments always welcome!


	13. F is for “F-ing Moron!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snake has some feels. He’s also an idiot. These two things are related.

Fairy lights glowed brightly against the dark ceiling of the lobby, illuminating the nightshade blooms being shoved into vases by a thoroughly irritated spider.

“ _Thiss_ is Misss Charlie’ss _BESST idea_ for making thingss up to my Boa?”

“Yup.”

“Inviting her to a massquerade at the Hazbin Hotel is going to make up for desstroying the Rainbow Room?”

“That’s what she’s saying.”

...

“Is Misss Charlie really that-“

“Yeah, but do you really want to finish that sentence knowing she could pop up behind you any second?”

Pentious shut his mouth immediately, reddened eyes scanning the room for danger. The she-devil was nowhere in sight.

For the moment.

“Either way,” Angel said, finishing with the last vase, “Bow ain’t one to turn down a party, so she’ll either have a good time or we’ll have a shitty time together and go up to my room for booze and some cheesy slasher movies. Besides, ya can’t say you don’t want to see Bow all dressed up, right?”

“I ssuposse you have a point,” the snake demon allowed, “but how iss thiss MY doing ssomething good for Misss Bow?”

“Blondie says she’s got a plan for that. Anyway, you can finish setting up the tables. I’m outta here!”

_Excuse me?!_

“ _Excussse me?!_ Where exactly do you think you’re going?!”

The porn star smirked playfully as he grabbed his purse off of the bar, swinging it over one shoulder as he walked quickly for the main door.

“I’m about to do you one _Hell_ of a favor, so be a good boy and fold some napkin swans or whatever they do at these elitist shitbag parties while I get your girl ready for the ball. Bye!”

“What?! What are-“

SLAM!

“-you planning that would consstitute a favor.” The Victorian finished, the empty room offering no reply.

Sir Pentious couldn’t believe the mess he was getting himself into this time, allowing Princess Charlotte to not only overtake his plans for making amends with his beloved, but to keep _him_ out of the loop on what would make this party worthy of allowing courtship to resume unencumbered. 

Why did the princess have to be so terrifying?!

And why did Angel have to be so...Angel?

Pentious sighed, grabbing a napkin and beginning to fold. He’d had a lot of time over the last few days of setting up for the masquerade Ball (officially titled the Happy Faces Masquerade) to think about his situation with Bow, and even more so about his situation with Angel.

His enemy, Angel.

His ally, Angel.

His something else, Angel.

Maybe.

Sir Pentious was under no illusions that the spider had agreed to help him out of any reason other than consideration for his Boa, and perhaps a bit of boredom. Angel had always made it very clear in the past that he shared Cherri’s disdain for her rival, and their fights over the years had cycled endlessly between violence, cruelty and an entirely one-sided stream of sexual innuendo.

But, well, then things had started to change.

The last few weeks had been unlike anything he had experienced in decades, having a fellow of moderate intelligence to confide in, to have a person with the determination to help see his goals through and a genuine care for the woman he himself loved above all others.

Someone who had a usual seat in his airship and who he could perhaps, maybe say he held some affection towards.

When the delinquent wasn’t driving him crazy, that was.

Yes, Angel Dust had become his staunchest supporter during the course of his pursuit of Miss Bow, however...

...well...

...where exactly did that leave them when his courtship ended, either with a joyous success or crushing rejection?

Angel cared about Bow, and everything he had done for the inventor was with the demoness in mind.

Angel was Bow’s friend, not his. 

And that was fine!

Slithering across the room, Pentious grabbed a set of dishes off the bar counter, checking them for spots.

Yes, the prostitute was only hanging around for his Boa’s sake, as he _should be_! The striped freak had been a thorn in his side for years, and a brief truce between them would not change that.

With time and patience, he may be blessed with his lovely Boa by his side for all eternity. It was his greatest wish, the two of them against the world.

And Angel would be off with Cherri, or Alastor, or that strange cat who sometimes manned the bar. Which was good, because he didn’t want the other man around forever anyway.

Three was a crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Promise the story isn’t gonna have too many of THE FEELS, but the course of true friendship, as with true love, is fraught with many perils.


	14. Sinderella (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s like a fairy tale. A really evil fairy tale.

To say that Hell’s elite were excited for Charlie’s _Happy Faces Masquerade_ would be a lie. To say they were showing up anyway for a night of free liquor, polite backstabbing, and the off chance Lucifer and Lilith might attend would be much closer to the truth.

The real reason the Happy Hotel’s lobby, lounge and ballroom were packed with highborn Hellborn demons and some of the more influential Sinners could be summed up nicely in one word:

Drama.

You couldn’t become a powerhouse in the Pentagram without the ability to smell scandal and intrigue in the air, and word around the Pit was that there had been some unusual activity lately circling the princess’s dismal failure of a hotel.

And who could resist the chance to see what Princess Charlotte was up to outside of her father’s influence?

So here they were.

Lights glittered tastefully through the darkness as masked figures swayed to the sounds of Queen Lilith’s personal stringed quartet.

Somehow, despite her....well, everything, Charlie had managed to throw together a party that met the high standards of the Lords and Ladies in attendance.

To their great displeasure.

A tall snake demon wearing a tuxedo top studded with clusters of obsidian and a glittering black mask moved along the wall, eyes scanning the crowd for a hint of green scales. 

Angel wasn’t there yet, having texted that he was getting ready with Bow, who he swore didn’t suspect a thing. Why would she? Bow might not be a Hellborn demon or an Overlord, but her unique powers and growing popularity earned her invitations to some truly impressive venues over the years. If anything, she would know more of the guests by name than Charlie, and they actually _liked _the reptilian demoness who performed at many of their own functions.__

__Pentious froze as he heard a familiar ruffle of feathers. Had she arrived without him noticing? No, the sound had come from the long blue-gray plume of an owl demon observing the monstrous beings in attendance from the comfort of the bar._ _

__Nodding at the owl as he passed by, Pentious accepted a champagne flute from a server, reminding himself to make the drink last._ _

_Can’t have a repeat of last time, can we?_

__Although how the tequila had overtaken him so easily remained a mystery. He’d have to ask Angel Dust what brand the spider had ordered when he had a chance._ _

__“Excuse me, your name wouldn’t happen to be Sir Pentious, would it?”_ _

__Whirling around, the mad scientist nearly got a mouthful of gray feathers. It was the owl demon from the bar._ _

__“That would happen to be my name, yess,” Pentious fought the urge to back up as pure red eyes looked him up and down. “And you are?”_ _

The owl chuckled, tail swishing against the floor as he leaned closer, “My name is Stolas, and it is a _pleasure_ to finally make your acquaintance. My daughter is a great fan of your work with machinery.” 

_Oh, God, no._

__An owl demon._ _

__Named Stolas._ _

__Who had a daughter._ _

__And was at a party catering almost exclusively to demonic aristocrats._ _

_Prince Stolas. Why did it have to be Prince Stolas?_

__Though the Goetic prince lived far outside Pentagram City, Sir Pentious had been around long enough to hear certain things about the elusive royal, many of which were about his...unique approach to relationships._ _

_Please let snakes not be his type!_

__“Ah, it is an honor, your highnesss,” the Victorian said slowly, picking his next words carefully, “although I did not expect to be sso quickly identified at a massquerade. Doess your daughter have an interesst in engineering?”_ _

The prince took a step back, smile softening at the question. “She does, especially for making things to be used on the battlefield or in the dungeons. You can’t _imagine_ what my little one can do with a kitchen knife, rubber bands, and some bits and pieces. She has a bright future ahead of her.” 

__“How lovely,” Pentious smiled back, relaxing slightly as the owl talked about his daughter’s accomplishments. “The innovationss of the newer generation never fail to amaze me. Are you in the Pentagram for long?”_ _

“I am visiting my property in the Western side of the city for the month as I finalize some business dealings. But enough about me,” the owl’s expression sharpened again, “you seem to be looking for someone through this sea of masks. I’ll admit, it’s peaked my curiosity. Are _you_ here tonight for any special reason?” 

__“I don’t, I mean, I’m here for reasssonss! Good, reasssonable reassonss. Why would you-“_ _

An amused hoot interrupted the mad scientist’s rushed denials. “No need to be so defensive, Penty,” Pentious choked on air at the nickname, “I’m not judging. Men like us can get so _lonely_ without a special someone to lean on. I myself have only recently found a darling little creature to call my own.” 

__Hadn’t the owl been married for the better part of six centuries?_ _

__“Well, I ssuposse, but...but...uuuh.”_ _

_Oh._

__Flashes of pink, orange and yellow appeared through the crowd as a snake demoness with feathered hair puffing in excitement slithered through the door._ _

_So beautiful._

__His Boa was wearing a black silk dress, streaks of rainbow edging the low neckline and continuing down her flat stomach to split into vibrant strands trailing down her long, full skirt. Brightly colored stones glittered on her fingers and wrists and her dark mask sparkled under the fairy lights twinkling playfully above her head._ _

__A spider demon in a pastel pink gown followed after the green-scaled female, shooting a wink over her shoulder._ _

__Everything else faded away as the gathered demons parted to make way for the polychromatic goddess._ _

__The party, the royals, the prince now leaning with an elbow on his shoulder, none of that mattered._ _

__His Boa was here._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want more of Stolas in the story. We good with that?


	15. Sinderella (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first dance

He couldn’t move.

She was perfect, and she was _here_.

He could finally...

No. No, this wasn’t about him. She wasn’t here for him. This entire party was to help her through the stress of losing her club to his stupidity. He didn’t deserve to make this about him.

He didn’t deserve h-

“What the?” The inventor turned his head to stare incredulously at the feathered demon at his side. “Did you jusst pinch me?”

Prince Stolas smirked, enjoying the enraged flush spreading over the snake’s cheeks. “I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about, my dear man. Such strange things people think of when they tell themselves to expect trouble, it’s quite the phenomenon.”

“What exactly are you implying?”

“Oh, nothing much, just that the look on your face when you looked at the lady I’m assuming is the performer _Bow_ based on her coloration spoke volumes about your feelings for her. If, as I suspect, this event of Princess Charlotte’s is a way for you to be together, then keeping your distance would be quite rude to all of your guests.” The prince’s eyes flashed with red light as he towered over the snake, “And I do so hate _rUdeNESs_.”

Pentious shuddered as the Hellborn royal’s magic washed over him, dark as night and colder than ice. There were reasons even Overlords avoided the Goetic demons, and he inwardly cursed himself for somehow attracting the bird’s attention.

Time to get out of this.

“I’m afraid you are only partially correct in your theoriess, your highnesss. While the princcesss did organize thiss massquerade with my - with Misss Bow in mind, itss purposse iss to give her an enjoyable night out. I have no intentionss beyond that.”

“But not for lack of desire.” It wasn’t a question and Sir Pentious refused to disgrace his feelings by Bow by claiming they were not the truest, most powerful emotions he had ever experienced in life or death.

“That...doessn’t matter tonight. The ball iss for her enjoyment, not for continuing my courtship of her.” There, he’d said it, and now the wicked prince would mock or attack him. Perhaps he’d even bring the matter to his Boa’s attention, embarrassing them both in front of Hell’s most influential beings.

“Then don’t _court_ her tonight, but why should giving her pleasure mean you can’t do so in person?”

“Didn’t you lisssten to a word I said?! This isn’t about me!”

“No, it’s a masquerade. It isn’t about anybody, because who is to say who may or may not be in attendance. Make her happy as a man in a mask if you must, but don’t assume that you can leave a woman like that alone among your city’s most depraved Hellborn and Sinners all night. They’re looking at her, can’t you see them? They want her, and being here alone apart from that spider makes her a _very_ tempting target.”

_**What?** _

Those disgusting, depraved beasts! A quick glance over in his Boa’s direction confirmed the prince’s words. How dare they look at her like an easy target!?

Like she was _just_ a beautiful body!?

Like they could just...

Just...

Just...

“Excusse me, it appears Misss Bow could usse ssome company.”

“Have fun!”

The Victorian moved quickly through the swaying bodies, eyes focused on his Boa, who was dancing with Angel Dust, the fabrics of their skirts brushing together with every turn. On their next rotation, he caught Angel’s mismatched eyes, before looking directly at Bow’s back.

The prostitute grinned and nodded, ending the dance with a flourish that had his serpentine partner giggling in delight.

“Well, Feather-Head, looks like you’ve still got your waltz down pat, but I’m beat. You keep going, but I need to kick back with a drink or ten.”

The demoness frowned a bit, already less comfortable by herself in the middle of such a high class party. “Are you really leaving me without a dancce partner sso early in the night?”

“I doubt you’ll be lonely for long. Bye, Birdie!” Angel disappeared into the crowd in a flash of pink tulle, leaving Bow to what he hoped would be the night of her life.

_Don’t you fucking mess this up, Scales._

“Angel!” The performer called after him quietly, “Who will I-“

“Excusse me,” Pentious felt his heart beating through his chest as his wonderful Boa turned to face him, dark eyes meeting his own. “I apologize if thiss is too forward, but...would you care to dance?”

Willing his body not to shake, he held out a hand towards her and waited.

_Please, please say yes. If nothing else happens between us, then just one dance will be enough._

“I-I would like that, yess,” a cool, green-scaled hand reached out for his own and the darker snake nearly swooned as she gave him a small, hopeful smile.

“Then let uss begin.”

Afterword, Sir Pentious wouldn’t be able to tell you how long the two twirled around the room together, Miss Bow safe and happy in his arms, smiling at his words, laughing at his quips and trading the most fascinating bits of information about the other partygoers dancing around them.

Just a masked man and a masked woman whirling around in a sea of false faces.

He never wanted this night to end.

But Charlie Magne really was the Devil’s daughter.

“Wow, hi! Are you Bow?” The reptilian demons moved apart as the blonde appeared in front of them, one surprised and the other furious.

“Uh,” the demoness shot a look his way before turning to the princess, “yess. Iss there ssomething I can help you with, Ccharlotte?”

“It’s just SO exciting to meet you!” The girl grabbed her hand (the one his Boa had used to reach out for him, the supervillain noted with annoyance) shaking it up and down with a huge smile on her face. “Really, Angel’s told me so much about you, I feel like we’re already friends! Do you really own the Rainbow Room? I took Vaggie, my girlfriend, there once and it was AMAZING! Do you ever do private tours, because our anniversary is coming up and I know she’d love it!”

“Oh, thank you, Angel hass told me about you as well. Perhapss we can discusss tour datess another time? I can’t commit to a specific day while my club is sstill...under consstruction.” 

The scientist fought back a hiss at the sight of Bow’s earlier happiness being erased by the surprise interrogation in the middle of her night out.

He needed to get Charlie away from her immediately.

“Sure thing! Grab a flyer on the way out, it has my number on it. We can get lunch and talk more.” The infuriating Hellborn finally let Bow’s hand go, and the snake relaxed as he prepared for her to walk away.

He was not prepared for her to start a conversation with him instead.

“By the way, Sir P-“ even that little idiot couldn’t miss the look on his face “uh, I mean, it’s nice to see you, Sir! Can we talk for a minute?”

“Can it wait?” He wanted to scream.

“Not really, it’s about _The Plan_ and-“

“Fine! Let’ss disscusss thiss elssewhere.”

Shooing the pest away with a brush of his hand, Pentious turned to Bow with the most apologetic expression he could muster. “I’m very ssorry, my dear. The princcesss iss quite...tenacciouss.”

“Sshe really is,” she nodded, smiling to show that she didn’t blame him for the interruption. “I’ll be at the bar with my friend, if-if you have time later.” 

The feathered serpent followed after Angel without looking back.

He was sure he could feel his heart going with her.

_I hope Lucifer isn’t too upset when I KILL HIS GODDAMN NUISANCE HELLSPAWN BRAT OF A DAUGHTER! He’s still young enough to make a new one._

Slithering angrily over to where Charlie stood by the portrait of her parents, the Sinner rose to his full height, glaring death at her with every fiber of his being. “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?”

Unfazed, the hotel owner pointed over at a rotund demon covered in brown hair who was feasting on an entire serving tray of hors d'oeuvres. “Well, you and Angel talked about how much Bow likes music, and that’s my mom’s booking agent, so I was thinking maybe we could convince him to get her a ticket to one of her concerts. I mean, they sell out REALLY fast, but if we ask nicely...what?”

_Die die die die DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!_

“Do you mean to tell me that you dragged me away from my _first dance_ with my Boa because you want to ASK NICELY for a concert ticket?! THAT WAS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG?!”

“Martin really likes parties and dressing up, so I thought-“

He didn’t stick around long enough to hear what she thought, storming over to the large furry demon and grabbing his arm.

“You’re coming with me. Make a ssound and I’ll rip you in two.”

The demon’s eyes shot open wide at the threat, looking around wildly for someone to notice his plight.

Several demons noticed.

Being demons, they didn’t give a shit.

“A-a-are you g-going to hurt m-me?”

“That really dependss on you.” Dragging the sweaty furball into the side room Charlie had used to trap him, Pentious bolted the door before facing his prey.

“I wass told that you help manage the Queen’ss conccertsss.”

“Y-yes.”

“Good. You’re going to be helping me arrange a very sspeccial gift for my intended, and I expect your full cooperation.”

The demon, now identifiable as a groundhog, gaped at him. “I can’t just give you tickets to Queen Lilith’s show! She’s been sold out for the last five years!”

“I don’t want ticketss. I want her up on sstage with Lilith, opening the sshow for her.”

“Tha-wha-how? You want some random floozy you’re banging to open the show for the Queen of Hell?! You’re insane!”

Shooting up, the cobra demon began to sway, hood flaring out and all of his eyes opening wide as they began to glow a dark red.

Where “asking nicely” failed, hypnosis always did the trick.

“ _Why don’t we try thisss again, hmm?_ ”

.  
.  
.

Back in the lobby, a multicolored snake leaned against a pink and white spider as she shot back a glass of gin.

“So that fucker really walked out to talk to Chucky?”

“Uh huh.”

“What a fucking asshole!”

“Nah,” Bow shook her head as she stood up, unsteady from her sixth drink in the hour and a half she’d been at the bar, “sssounded pretty urgent. I get it.”

Angel grabbed her arm as the demoness started to tilt, steadying her as much as possible without making it obvious to the strangers around them.

“Wanna move this party up to my room? I rented _Anaconda_.”

“M’kay.”

Leading her into the elevator and waiting for the door to close, the porn star gave his girl buddy a concerned look as she pressed the side of her face to the cool metal of the closest wall.

“Sucks that you don’t know his name or anything.”

“Mhmm.”

“If you want I can ask around?”

“No, iss-it’ss ok. Ss’not like he owess me or anything.” Trailing Angel out of the elevator and into his room, she collapsed on his bed, rolling over to smile up at the ceiling.

“Think he’ll come back ssoon.”

“How d’ya figure?” Feathers was nice, but not really that much of an optimist, even after a huge bottle of whiskey.

Bow raised an arm up, opening her hand to reveal something small and shiny.

“He dropped thisss during our dancce. Found it on my way over to you.”

In her palm was one of that Snake-Face bastard’s obsidian cufflinks.

_Well, guess a glass slipper wouldn’t work for them anyway._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hand hurts 😅


	16. Is WALKING the right word?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel isn’t happy that Pentious left Bow at the Masquerade. A weird request is made.

_Step 3: Early in courtship, it is important to spend time with your intended, but only in public venues and always with a suitable chaperone in attendance._

“YOU DOUCHEBAG!”

Pentious woke with a start, rolling out of his bed and onto the floor as his blanket was yanked by an irate spider.

“You absolute DOUCHE! I work my ass off setting up for Blondie’s Happy-Whatever-Mask-Party, spend three hours making sure Bow has something _smoking hot_ to wear, in BLACK because it’s YOUR go-to color and I stopped drinking after my first glass of wine just in case YOU needed backup!” Angel jumped up on the bed, all six arms extended and waving wildly as he ranted at the sleep deprived serpent staring up at him.

“And after EVERYTHING I did to make the night goddamn magical YOU FUCKING DITCH HER TO TALK TO CHARLIE?! YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT! Bow ended up sleeping in MY bed when she could’ve been doing something way better in YOURS!”

“That issn’t why we-

“Shut the hell up, you dumbass bendy straw! I know you weren’t trying to make a move, but you were and she was into it! She really liked you and you fucking DITCHED HER for Charlie! Of all the stupid-“

“Angel, I-“

“Plan wrecking, stupid ass-“

“Charlie wouldn’t leave, so I went-“

“She wasn’t even wearing a BRA!”

“ _SSTOP SSHOUTING AND LISSSTEN TO ME!_ ”

The prostitute stopped shouting, crouching down on the mattress as the inventor hauled himself up by a bedpost. “Fine, but you owe me a damn good explanation for that shitshow last night.”

“I did not mean to _ditch_ Misss Bow, but I had to leave before the princcesss could give me away, and then I found an opportunity to make thingss right and had to take it. By the time I finisshed, the massquerade had ended.”

Angel’s eyes widened, “You got something good enough to justify going after her again? What d’ya do, pickpocket that prince who was feelin ya up?”

“He wassn’t - no, I got her ssomething any performer would kill for. In a month’s time, Bow will be the opening act for Lilith’ss final conccert of the sseasson. Sshe sshould recceive the call by tomorrow at the latesst.”

No way.

“You got Bow a spot in Lilith’s show?! Now THAT’S a gift!” Anger disappearing, Angel threw an arm around the reptile’s shoulders, pulling him into a quick side hug.

“Yesss, I rather thought sso,” a smug smile stretched over the English villain’s face as he imagined his Boa getting that call from Martin. Truly, he had outdone himself.

It was almost enough to make up for losing the chance for another dance with his beloved Boa.

_Almost._

“So what’s next up now that you’re courting her again? Flowers? Candy? We could do a photo shoot, really spice things up if you want. I’ll just call the studio-“

“I’M NOT SSENDING HER NUDE PHOTOGRAPHSS!”

“I’d let you keep the hat! Whatever, you loser. What do _you_ want to do?”

“Now that we have been acquainted and my debt to her hass been fulfilled, the mosst reassonable next sstep would be to accompany her on a walk about the ccity.”

With a groan, Angel clutched at the sides of his head, feeling a migraine building. A walk, a goddamn WALK. How could a Victorian, a guy from the society that pioneered modern sex toys and some of the planet’s filthiest erotica, think _walking_ with Feathers was gonna make her hot for him?

_Walking! They don’t even have LEGS!_

Whatever. He didn’t even care at this point.

Not even a little.

Nope, not gonna ask anything else.

“Do you need Bow’s phone number or did you get it during your creepy stalker phase?”

Fucking damnit!

“That sshouln’t be necccesssary, no. You can arrange a time with my Boa whenever sshe has time in her sschedule. My contacting her would be pressumptuouss, and not required as you will be joining uss.”

He was gonna what?!

“You want me on your date with Bow?! What the fuck is wrong with you? I do a lot of threeways but I’m not some weird third wheel!”

“It iss too early in our courtsship to be unaccompanied by a cchaperone, and as Misss Bow’ss friend, you will need to be that cchaperone. Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t make the ruless!”

“Ugh, okay! Fine, damn you, I’ll be the sad hanger on to your boring walking date, but you’re gonna owe me and you’re paying in advance. Deal?”

The genius rolled his eyes but agreed, shaking Angel’s hand to seal the deal.

“How much?”

His chaperone smirked, eyes narrowing and gold tooth glowing in the light. “Oh, you’re gonna give me something a lot better than money.”

_Oh dear._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Step 3 is up and running!
> 
> As always, questions and comments are welcome.


	17. Dealing Under the Table (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel calls in his debt, and what he wants is so much worse than what Sir Pentious had in mind.

“I can’t do thiss.”

“Oh, stop being a baby. We have a deal, you wimp.”

“I can’t do thiss! How could you posssibly - what if I end up on 666 Newss? My Boa will think I’m ssome kind of wretched porn fiend!”

“Believe me, that’d be a goddamn improvement.”

“Angel!” 

“Hey, if you want that walking date with Feathers, you need to pay up. It’s either this or you pick up one of my shifts on the street, and you’d look awful in a PVC bodysuit.”

Pentious couldn’t believe he’d let the spider talk him into this. Of course he was willing to do whatever it takes to see Bow again, but this...

Of all the things he would have expected Angel to ask, why THIS?

_Oh God, am I really breaking into the Porn Studios building?_

“Buck up,” Angel grumbled as they slipped into a side alley down the street from Valentino’s headquarters, “you aren’t even going to the floors where the magic happens, and I’M gonna be the one distracting everyone while you get the goods.”

“And what exactly _are_ the ‘goodss’ I’m ssuppossed to find? All you’ve ssaid is that they’re in a gold box with your name on the front.”

“It’s a bunch of stuff. Val had his guys raid my dressing room when he found out I’d moved out, and he ain’t giving it back unless I come back full time and probably grovel like a bitch at his feet. I’d grab them myself, but everyone in that fucking building jumps up my ass the second I walk through the door, so getting into his office unnoticed isn’t gonna happen.” The porn star glared in the direction of the Studio, pissed that it’d even come to this. Val was such an asshole, taking his shit and using it against him. AGAIN! But this was worse than when the fucking parasite stole his drugs; he could get that crap anywhere, but what he had now wasn’t something Angel could just replace with some cash or a blowie.

So he needed the big noodle to quit yapping and get with the program. For all that the snake demon was a fucking idiot, he was also a motherfucking genius, so if anyone could find where Val’d stashed his case, it’d be Pentious.

Or Alastor, but the deer was still avoiding him.

“Now remember, the dumbwaiter to Val’s office is at the far end of the kitchen and he uses it when the other Overlords come over, so it should be big enough for you to climb up to his office.”

“ _SSHOULD?!_ ”

“You’re squishy, it’ll be fine. Now the jackass flea meets with the writing team on Thursday, so he’ll be on the second floor until at least 4:30, and it’s barely 3:15 now. Get in, find my shit and then head back down and out through the kitchen exit.”

It was a foolproof plan!

“Thiss is a terrible idea!”

“Hey, you want your girl, you better be prepared to work for her. Like in Shakespeare or something. Tell your grandkids about it one day.”

The inventor twitched, “Nobody iss being told about thisss. Ever.”

“Great, Grandpa’s a bore, now move your ass to the starting point and wait for the signal!” At that, Angel marched out of the alley and into Porn Studios.

“HEY HOES! GUESS WHO’S BACK AND READY TO RIDE SOME-“

Slithering towards the door, Pentious waited for the the furry attention whore’s voice to fade as he moved farther into the building, dragging the receptionist with him and hopefully being escorted by the guards as well.

When Angel’s yelling was cut off by the elevator, he moved.

Okay, he knew where the kitchens were.

Down the hall...

Third on the left...

A hundred feet...

There!

As promised, the kitchen was empty and would remain so until they began prepping for Valentino’s dinner, which was a late meal on Thursdays. Locating the dumbwaiter, Sir Pentious began to squeeze inside.

_Fuck you, Angel, nobody is THIS squishy!_

Cursing quietly, Pentious began to climb, struggling to get up without becoming caught in the narrow passageway. He would be feeling this for weeks, and that’s not counting the trip back down!

Thirty-three floors later and the back of a small gold door appeared, the dumbwaiter’s entrance to the Overlord’s private space. Sliding it open, the demon groaned as he managed to claw his way out, ignoring the marks left in the metal by his nails. It wasn’t as though the flea wouldn’t eventually notice someone had absconded his star performer’s belongings anyway. Angel would probably end up blaming one of his more disturbed admirers if questioned.

Pushing himself off the thick floor (dark quartz with red hearts, he noted with disgust), the snake went to work. Filing cabinets, behind paintings, under the TV stand...nothing.

He checked his pocket watch. 3:43. He needed to be out of the building before 4:30. Desperate, he began searching the large black and red desk for a hint of gold. No. No. No. 

It had to be somewhere. Angel had sworn up and down that the Porn-Lord would keep the items close to ensure his bargaining chip remained safe, so the well guarded office was the perfect spot.

What was he missing?!

Pentious stopped.

Wait, what if I...

Returning to the thin drawer in the middle of the desk, the snake turned his hands over, using long fingers to feel his way over the top of the space. Sure enough, he felt a small object taped to the sinfully smooth wood. Peeling it off, the Victorian smiled at the little gold key in his palm. 

“Hahaha! Of coursse, no weak-minded fool, Overlord or not, can dare to match witss with the likess of I! With thiss key, I sshall sstrike my blow, and all will bow before the might of Ssir-“

Beep!

Pentious stopped at the distant noise, terror rushing through his body as he recognized the sound of an elevator arriving at its desired floor.

This floor. The one he was still on because he didn’t have the case yet.

_It’s not even 4 yet!_

Valentino was coming, and he couldn’t leave yet. He wouldn’t even have time to squish back into the dumbwaiter if he tried.

Dropping back to the floor, Pentious threw himself under the large desk just in time. Pushing himself as far back as he could go, the serpent huddled in the roomy kneehole, for once grateful for the smut peddler’s superior height.

There was the sound of a door opening, and the click of heeled boots on a cold stone floor.

Overlord Valentino had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How bad do you want Snake-Face to suffer?


	18. Dealing Under the Table (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Pentious is trapped under Valentino’s desk while the Overlord waits for a mysterious guest to arrive. Events transpire, kicking off the start of the snake’s awful day with a bang.

**Author’s note: Due to people largely supporting Pentious having a bad time with Valentino, I’ve made a few changes to my plot. No worries, “bad” doesn’t mean things you really need to brace yourself for, but here are a few general warnings for anyone who was concerned: (SPOILER WARNING) consensual sexual activity, a character overhearing other people having sex, Valentino being a horrible person in general and to his employees in particular.**

_This cannot be happening._

Pentious forced himself deeper into the space beneath the Overlord’s desk as the man himself drew closer. This was it. Valentino would find him and...

Kill him?

Have his guards rough him up?

Make him perform in one of his filthy videos?

_I can’t be in PORN! Angel will tell everyone! My scales look terrible under fluorescent lighting!_

Forcing his breathing to slow, the snake willed himself to blend into the shadows as black shoes and long, red clad legs appeared in front of his hiding spot. Humming to himself, the pimp took a seat in the plush leather chair, knees stopping barely half a foot from Pentious’s face.

“ _Meggie, get your ass in here_ ,” there was a slight creak as Valentino leaned back in his chair, looking up as the door to his office opened.

“Yes, Mister Valentino?” A husky, feminine voice answered, the sound of smaller feet approaching telling the genius that the number of witnesses to his inevitable humiliation had doubled. “Did your meeting with the writers end early, Sir?”

“ _No, but anything those idiots have to say can wait. Tell them to email me if they call, and don’t you dare let them up here today. I don’t want anyone interrupting my 4:15_.”

“4:15?” The woman sounded nervous, her question accompanied by the sound of rustling papers. “I don’t see anything here besides the writers. Did something come up?”

“ _Let’s just say I got a last minute appointment set up with someone who just might be worth my time. They better be if they know what’s good for them._

“Of course, Sir. What name-“

“ _You’ll know when you see them, now get up here _.” Pentious shrunk back as a thump sounded above his head.__

__

__

__What?_ _

__“Are you sure we have time, Sir? What if your 4:15 arrives early?”_ _

“ _Then I’m sure he’ll appreciate the view. Clothes off and on the desk._.” 

__No._ _

__He wouldn’t..._ _

__NO!_ _

__There was a giggle and the sound of fabric moving before the soft thump of clothing hitting the floor. Shiny pink heels appeared in front of the kneehole as the woman hopped up onto the smooth surface of the desk._ _

__The desk he was hiding under._ _

___Would a second death really be so bad? The last time wasn’t awful, and-_ _ _

__Thump!_ _

“ _Yeah, just like that, Meggie-Baby._ ” 

__Thump! Thump! ThumpThumpThumpThump!_ _

__Pink heels swung back, scraping against his cheek and knocking his hat to the ground. Neither of the demons above him seemed to notice, and the... _sounds_ began to increase in volume._ _

__“Sir, please, just like that! Harder, please! SIR!”_ _

“ _Legs up_ ,” the pink shoes raised out of the reptile’s line of sight, presumably wrapping around the flea’s waist. Loud, keening noises filled the air as Pentious tried and failed to block out the sounds of Valentino and his employee copulating like rabbits on top of him. 

__THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP”Aaaaaah!”THUMPTHUMPTHUMP!_ _

“ _Fuck, you’re getting better at this. Almost worth the **trouble** now, aren’t you? _”__

____

____

_____ _

_____ _

____“Please, please! So good! Sir, I -YESSS!”_ _ _ _

_I’m not here. I’m not here. I’m on my airship, having a nice dinner with my Boa. Think of my Boa._

“ _Next time I’m gonna bend you over the conference table, and-_ ” 

_STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!_

____After what felt like hours, there was a loud grunting noise, and the thumping cut off abruptly. The Overlord’s legs straightened as he returned to a fully upright position and Pentious recognized the sound of a belt buckle being redone._ _ _ _

____“Sir, what-“_ _ _ _

“ _It’s almost 4:15. Get the fuck back to your desk and make sure my guest and I have some goddamn privacy._ ” 

____“But I-“_ _ _ _

“ _Did I STUTTER? Get the fuck out before I have you dragged out. And pick up your clothes. I don’t need that shit cluttering up my floor space_.” 

____“Yes, Sir.”_ _ _ _

____In any other circumstance, Sir Pentious might have felt some sort of sympathy for the woman’s mistreatment. Given that he was still bleeding from where her stiletto had clipped his face, he forgave himself for his lack of concern as Meggie slid off the desk and retreated out of the office._ _ _ _

____He had to get out of here. Whoever the Overlord’s 4:15 was, they would be here any minute, which once more doubled his chances of being found out. Perhaps if the man diverted Valentino’s attention enough, and the demon stood to greet him, he would have a chance to escape?_ _ _ _

____Yes, that could work._ _ _ _

____All he needed was for the mysterious guest-_ _ _ _

“ _Get outta my desk, Snake-Man. It’s already 4:17 and I want this wrapped up by 5 at the latest_.” 

____Oh._ _ _ _

____This was going to be _bad_._ _ _ _

_Damn you, Angel!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was certainly awkward to write.


	19. Over the Counter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Val isn’t as bad as Angel always said he was. He’s much, much worse.
> 
> Brace yourself for the boss from Hell.

“ _Hurry it up, Scales, I don’t have all day._ ” The Overlord backed up, giving Pentious room to escape his wooden prison. “ _Meggie got you with her shoe, huh? She’s always been a kicker, but she’s good enough until I get her replacement lined up. You want a drink?_

“No...thank you.” Was the flea really acting like he hadn’t caught him trying to rob his office? Pentious kept his eye on Valentino as the taller demon grabbed a bottle out of a cabinet to his left, frantically working through escape plans in his head. Even if the Porn-Lord wasn’t attacking him _yet_ , he knew too much about the businessman to trust this unnatural show of good will.

Uncorking the bottle with his disgusting red teeth, Valentino took a swig, groaning appreciatively at the taste. “ _Damn, I needed that. Now, let’s get down to business. You’re here ‘cause of my Angel Cakes, right?_ ”

“I’m ssure I don’t know any ‘Angel Cakess,’ and my reassonss for-“

Lifting a clawed hand lazily, Valentino silenced the Victorian mid-excuse, a smile crawling across his face as he picked up a rectangular item from his desk, twirling it playfully in his hand. Upon closer inspection, the item appeared to be a remote control of some sort.

“ _You ‘ssure’ about that, Scale-Face? You might want to think it over, really give it a minute and see if that can’t help you remember a bit more._ ”

Pentious willed himself not to shake as the Overlord looked directly at him. Despite not being able to see the other’s eyes clearly through those ridiculous glasses, he could tell the man was watching him closely.

He wasn’t sure what Valentino wanted, but admitting to conspiring with one of his employees would be insane, especially with an employee the greedy parasite _favored_ the way he favored Angel Dust.

“Asss I ssaid-“

**”HEY HOES! GUESS WHO’S BACK AND READY TO RIDE SOME DICK!”**

Oh.

So that’s what the remote was for.

Turning, the inventor stared in dread at the screen behind him, now lit up with a recording of Angel’s march through the lobby.

_Cameras! We though of guards, dumbwaiters, and had the timing down to the minute but we didn’t think of CAMERAS?!_

“ _And there you go_ ,” the Overlord noted as Pentious watched himself sneak down the hallway leading to the kitchen. “ _This startin’ to feel familiar, or should I play it again?_

“Well, I ssuposse I’ve been found out,” the snake demon tried to keep his voice even as Valentino’s smile grew into a wicked grin, gold tooth gleaming against the red of his other fangs. “Conssidering the nature of my vissit, you sseem rather calm. Are break-inss that common?”

Chuckling, Overlord Valentino leaned over the desk, towering over the nervous reptile, antennae twitching at the sight of his growing anxiety. “ _Oh, it happens often enough. People are like moths, always drawn to pretty, shiny things, and I’ve got some of the brightest stars outside of the goddamn cosmos down here. Can’t blame em for wanting to get up close and personal with my boys and girls, ‘specially the big names like Angel Cakes. My baby’s a real talent. One in a million, don’t you think?_ ”

“I-“

“ _But the **ThINg** about those **fiLTHY LiTtle pesTS** , the ones who come around acting like they gotta right to my talents...they aren’t playing by **thE FuCKINg RULes**. You wanna see all their fun bits, fine, buy a video like anyone else. You wanna get closer, to touch and play and **own**? I’m a generous man. Make me an offer and I’ll send them over for all the kinky shit you want. Yeah, it’s all good, and business is business...as long as it **STAYS BUSINESS!**_ ”

Pentious jumped back as the tall (and had he always been THAT tall?!) insect slammed all four fists against his desk, demonic energy swirling down his arms like striking vipers. He opened his mouth to speak, but the Overlord wasn’t done. 

“ _That ungrateful slut’s given me a lot of trouble over the years, but he’s a big earner and knows all the right ways to apologize when he fucks up. And then he went off to that goddamn stupid ass Happy Hotel and started getting **ideas** , thinking he could limit his hours or pick and choose his Johns like that shit’s ever been his call. I’ve been putting up with it because he’s living with Lucifer’s little girl and her name’s still got some weight, pathetic as she is, but then he got chummy with **YoU** , and now he’s running around the Pentagram, making a mess out of whatever he touches and making it look like I don’t have a handle on my people._” It didn’t take a genius to know that Valentino was glaring behind his glasses. The power surging around him was growing, twisting and snapping through the air, leaving deep gouges in the ceiling.

“A-and what iss it y-you w-want from me, Valentino?” He was going to die. He was going to die and his beautiful Boa would never know. Would Angel mourn him? Maybe. He was sure the spider would miss his liquor cabinet if nothing else.

“ _What I want? I want Angel Cakes back in the studio full time, outta that shit-hole he’s living in and ready to make up for trying to get away in the first place, and I think you’re just the guy to help me help him see the light. Either that or I rip off your head and see if that makes an impression. You have...hmm, three minutes to decide, and I suggest you use them._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUN!
> 
> I didn’t even start out this chapter with drama in mind, but Val being evil is too canon in my head for anything else. No worries, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled broadcast of chaos and humor soon enough!
> 
> Comments welcome!  
> Do you:  
> want some protective snake-boy?  
> want Angel to show up a chapter early?  
> want to see Val get his ass kicked as much as I do?


	20. Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious has a choice to make. It should be an easy choice.
> 
> Right?

**THREE**

Three minutes. He had three minutes to respond to Valentino. Three minutes to make a choice.

Convince Angel to give up his new life and return to his abusive pimp.

Or die.

_The choice is obvious, isn’t it?_

_Isn’t it?!_

What was the porn star to him anyway? They’d been enemies for years, the spider and Cherri doing their damn best to ruin his plans and overtake or destroy any territory he managed to carve out for himself in the wake of the latest Extermination.

Angel was Cherri’s friend.

Angel was Bow’s friend.

Angel was a means to an end, a way to get into the rainbow beauty’s good graces.

He’d be fine in Valentino’s care; the flea had already said how good he was for business. Sure, there’d be...well, a _rough_ patch in the immediate aftermath, but Angel had worked for the Overlord for years. 

He was strong, and clever, and resourceful.

He’d get through it.

**TWO**

But what if he didn’t? Overlords like Valentino were quick to anger and even quicker to strike down anyone pissed them off. Just because Angel had survived relatively unscathed so far didn’t mean his time wasn’t counting down until the moment he mouthed off once too often and went the way of so many of his predecessors.

People would miss him, wouldn’t they? Cherri would, and so would the princess and her little group.

So would his Boa...she’d cry when she heard the news, he was sure, she’d scream and curse and swear to never forgive the man who took her friend from her.

Bow might fight in his memory, and she’d gain the Overlord’s attention, and she would be struck down trying to avenge him.

_Perhaps if I was there for her? I could help her through her grief, convince her Angel wouldn’t want her to die for his sake. We could be happy, I know we could._

His Boa already liked him; she could learn to love him, just like Angel said she would.

Because Angel Dust had given so much trying to help him woo her.

Because Angel had done so much to help _him_ woo her.

Because Angel believed a pathetic, failed Overlord wannabe could win over a woman like Bow.

Because Angel...trusted him with her, trusted him...

And he trusted Angel.

**ONE**

_I need to agree. If I say no, that repulsive insect will just kill me and take his precious ‘Angel Cakes’ back anyway._

He didn’t have a choice.

He’d be doing the right thing. Angel would be okay, and maybe...one day...they could resume their...partnership.

If Angel lived that long...

If he ever forgave him for the betrayal...

Even if his Boa rejected him, he’d be no worse off than he was before. He’d still have his airship, his minions...a great mind like his own was gift enough. He didn’t _need_ anyone.

So why did his chest hurt so much at the thought of walking away from either of them?

Why, when he thought about his future, with or without Bow, was a white-furred arachnid always standing somewhere in the background?

Why did the thought of being alone again make him want to scream?

He’d die if he said no.

He’d have to live with himself if he said yes.

**TEN SECONDS**

Pentious needed to stall, to distract the Overlord until he could make a decision. He needed TIME.

“Sssupposse I agree to help you. What would that look like?”

**TIME’S UP**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT my best chapter, I’ll admit, but I really want to point out that Pentious is still pretty new to the idea of having people who like him.
> 
> He hasn’t decided yet, but he will in the next chapter. Any guesses as to how Valentino’s gonna take his answer?


	21. Drug Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentino talks to Pentious about what he expects from their agreement. He remains the literal worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Valentino is a terrible person, and is and remains his own warning. Just putting that out there for this chapter.

Valentino looked up from his bottle, grinning widely at the question. “ _Knew you were a smart man, Scale-Face. I’ve always liked you, y’know? Sure, you’re spineless, but you know how to play the game and sacrifice any dead weight holding you back. It’s almost admirable._ ”

Gritting his teeth, Pentious let the Overlord’s words wash over him. As expected, the evil bastard was taking his time answering his question, enjoying the perceived victory to the fullest. He’d noticed early in their conversation that Valentino’s manner of speaking was extremely similar to Angel’s, the spider most likely having picked up on many of his boss’s idiosyncrasies over the years in order to endear himself to the vain businessman. And knowing Angel like he did, the snake demon knew he had at least another two minutes before he’d be required to tune in to the chatter.

_What now?_

Even though he hadn’t actually agreed, Valentino had clearly taken his question as a resounding YES. He could use that, as long as he played nice long enough to find a decent escape route. The dumbwaiter wasn’t an option, and he knew better than to trust the elevator, but surely there was an emergency staircase...

Yes, that could work. Getting by Meggie shouldn’t be too difficult, and a large portion of the guards would be assigned to keeping the _talent_ in line, so they would take time to respond to an alarm.

Oh, the Overlord was finally getting to the point. Time to tune back in.

“ _-not be too hard, really. Angel Cakes already likes you, so you just arrange a little get together sometime over the weekend and us three can have a good, long conversation about his priorities. Nice and easy._ ”

Pentious blinked once, and then blinked again for good measure.

“You...you jusst want to _talk_ to Angel?” Perhaps he had misjudged the Porn-Lord? Maybe he really did have some sort of affection for the spider who took after him in so many ways?

“ _Oh, there’ll be talking, but that’ll come after your little mind wipe trick_ ,” snorting at the look of shock on his guest’s face, the Overlord took another swig from the bottle, licking his lips as he drained it dry. “ _What’s the matter, Scales? You really thought I didn’t do my research? Snake demons are naturals at hypnosis, some of the best outside some’a the higher up royals, and you ain’t exactly subtle about yours. Freaks like you can give the full whammy to weaklings like my Angel, keep him a lot more...agreeable for the foreseeable future by emptying out that pretty little head of anything outside of what I want him doing. The last guy I brought in flopped, but that’s why you never bring in a python to do a cobra’s job, right?_ ”

Oh. 

Oh, god, no.

That...that sick, evil, disgusting fucking fleabag wanted him to ERASE Angel?! To turn the strong, clever arachnid into a useless husk, some blinking, breathing sex doll who wouldn’t so much as STAND without permission?!

GO **FUCK** YOURSELF! 

All thoughts the inventor had about working with Valentino vanished in a blaze of fury. Like HELL was he giving Angel back to that wretched parasite! He was leaving this building, and he was taking Angel with him! 

Speaking of which...if he was getting Angel out of here, he still needed that gold case. The porn star wouldn’t shut up about it, so whatever it had must be worth saving.

“I’ll admit, that iss an....unussual requesst, but it’ss true that my hypnotic abilitiess far excceed thosse of a python. You knew when I entered the building, but thiss plan...did you know I wass coming?” 

Talk about the case.

Talk about the case.

TALK ABOUT THE GODDAMN CASE!

“ _Oh, I had an idea Angel Cakes was lookin to get somebody up in my office, and he sure wasn’t gonna go with Cherri Bomb for any plan needing a subtle approach, so it was either you or that feathered bimbo from the Rainbow Room, and she’s a snake too. Not a cobra, but a workable plan B. Now if she was dumb enough to say no, well, not all my girls start out signing a contract, if you get what I’m saying. Angel doesn’t usually go for the hetero acts, but those two would put on one hell of a show with the right...incentives._ ”

_I’m going to KILL YOU, REANIMATE YOUR CORPSE, STUFF MY LASER CANNON UP YOUR ASS AND FIRE SO HARD FLAMING SHIT WILL FLY OUT OF YOUR ALREADY MUCK-FILLED MOUTH, YOU SMUG SON OF A MANGE-RIDDEN BITCH!_

Keep it cool, Pentious. Get the case and get out.

And _then_ get the laser cannon.

“Ah, then you know why Angel ssent me here. Before we procceed, I have to admit to ssome curiosssity. What iss it about that casse that makess him sso desssperate?” 

The Overlord threw back his head, laughing loudly and holding out a hand towards the stone-faced genius. “ _Hand over that key you stole and I’ll show you. S’funny stuff and I could use a few more laughs before we get outta here._ ”

Pentious handed over the key, one eye twitching when their hands made contact, a chorus of DIEDIEDIEs playing in his head as Valentino made a circular motion with the key in midair.

What under the earth was THAT supposed to accom-

“Gah!” 

A blinding light filled the room as Valentino _pulled_ something out of the air, cradling the gold box in two arms as he sat back down in his chair, gesturing for the serpent to take a seat.

Angel’s case.

Perfect. Time to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, the story was NOT supposed to be this long!
> 
> As always, comments welcome.


	22. SO YOU’VE CHOSEN DEATH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious makes his move. It could’ve been a better move.

“ _You’re not gonna believe what he’s keeping in this shitty box_ ,” the flea set Angel’s case on his desk, one long finger running along the clasp. “ _I thought it’d be something pretty he stole off a rich client or at least some blackmail worth keeping on hand, but what he’s going so crazy about getting back...hehe, talk about pathetic_.”

**Ready**

Pentious clenched his jaw, letting venom pool in his mouth.

“ _Not too sure what I’m gonna do with it, really. Angel Cakes won’t be needing it after we’re done getting him back on track, but tossing it out just feels too easy. Might auction it off to one of his fans - he’s got a few old stalkers who’re always looking to get a piece of him for their creepy collections_.”

**Aim**

Swishing the caustic fluid slowly, the snake lined up his shot. Those stupid glasses might protect Valentino’s eyes, but he only needed a distraction. Just thirty seconds, and he could be at the nearest staircase. A full minute could give him an extra floor between them. He just needed an _opening_.

“ _Suppose I’ll figure that out later_ ,” clicking as the clasp was flicked up, the case opened. With a big, red fanged smile, Valentino grabbed a piece of small piece of paper from within, blank side facing the Victorian.

**Fire!**

“ _Can you belie-AAH! FU-AACK!_ ” Valentino fell back in his seat, choking on the foul tasting venom shot directly into his open mouth. Quick as a whip, Pentious shot over the desk, grabbing the stiff paper in one hand and the case in another. Shoving the paper inside his jacket and holding the box in another, he was out of the room before the Overlord realized what was going on.

_I did it! Time to get Angel. He works...tenth floor, I think._

“Sir, how was - HOLY SHIT!”

“My apologiess, Meggie!”

Zipping past the startled demoness, Pentious raced down the hall, passing the elevator in favor of a simple red door marked “STAIRS.”

He couldn’t believe it.

He’d made it, he’d really made it.

Valentino had taken a direct hit from a high concentrated dose of cobra venom, and must even now be laid out on the floor of his office, struggling to breathe through the pain.

Truly, his plan was brilliant! That foolish Overlord, bested by-

“ _Tha wathn’t nithe, Thcale-Fathe._ “

What?

No, it couldn’t be.

He swallowed the venom! 

Free hand resting on the staircase railing, the inventor turned his head, eyes widening at the sight of Overlord Valentino towering above him. Thick trails of dark red blood oozed out of his mouth as he spoke, splattering onto the small amount of concrete between them.

“ _Gueth you we’ent tho **tHMaRT AFTa All.**_ ”

As even young schoolchildren can tell you, the fight-or-flight response is a powerful thing, ingrained deeply into the minds of humans and animals alike and giving even the weakest of creatures a little push to do what must be done in the moment when action must be taken.

Distractions fading away as adrenaline surged through his veins, Sir Pentious balled his hands into fists, narrowed his eyes, braced his body for impact  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
and threw himself down the stairwell, screaming like a madman as he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a pretty short chapter, but we’re now officially in the RUN BITCH RUN portion of this section, and it’s gonna get interesting.
> 
> Also, yes, Pentious’s master plan was basically spitting into Valentino’s mouth.


	23. Boss Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Workplace accidents usually aren’t this intentional.

“Cut! That’s a wrap!”

Angel came up for air with a gasp, scoffing as his partner fell to the ground, eyes glassy and a big smile on his face.

God, why was he always paired up with the newbies?

“Great job, Angel!”

“Thanks Frankie. What’s next?” Was Pentious out yet? Hopefully he could sneak a peek at his phone before starting on the next video.

“Uh...looks like it’s _Getting Made in the Shade_ , and then we’re done for the day. Your outfit should be waiting for you in the dressing room, then we’re filming on eight. See ya there.”

“Yeah, whatever. Be there in a bit.” Retreating to his dressing room, the spider checked out his next costume. Curly blonde wig, a short sleeved white shirt, a black belt, a pale pink poodle skirt and shiny black pumps. 

_Fuck, they have me dressing like Niffty!_

Stripping out of his torn lingerie, Angel began setting himself back up. Pentious _should_ have the case by now, which meant he could afford to blow off the next few days of shoots, maybe see if he could talk to Cherri about keeping an eye on Val’s goons to make sure he wasn’t dragged back before he got his game plan down. 

He’d worked for Val for a long time, and it’d been okay. 

And then it hadn’t been so good. 

And now he wanted out. 

Wincing as he pinned his natural hair down, Angel slipped his wig on, patting the ashy curls back into place. Grabbing a small brush off his vanity, he set to work fixing up his face. Couldn’t have bruises showing under the spotlights. 

Not until the end, anyway. Nobody cared about a messy end result if he looked good up until the money shot. 

“-aaaa-“ bump “-aaaaaaa.” 

_What the fuck?_

Putting down his mascara, the porn star turned his head to face the door. There wasn’t supposed to be another shoot on ten until they replaced the set on Friday. 

“-geeeeeeelllll!” 

Crash! Thump! “-aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!” 

“ _ **Ge bA’A HEE OOo athHo!**_ ” 

“-gel! Angel! ANGEL!” 

_I’d know that screech anywhere! Motherfucker, is THIS your idea of stealthy?!_

Rushing to unlock the door, Angel Dust jumped back as a black blur shot past him. 

“MAN, WHAT THE HELL-“ 

“NO TIME! WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFO-“ 

“ _ **PEn’OuS!**_ ” Ducking under the door, Valentino rose to his full, terrifying height, unholy power manifesting as twisting magenta tendrils around his body and lashing out towards the cowering snake demon. Blood and chunks of flesh were still pouring down the Overlord’s front, the smell strong and putrid in the small room. 

“ _ **THe oo Ah. I unNA Te’e Oo e haFf, iP Or HOt Ow e am’t Up Or ATH!**_ ” 

Angel Dust looked at his boss, spraying bits of cheek and tongue over the dressing room as he stepped closer, all four arms reaching out to attack the source of his fury. 

He looked at Pentious, overwhelmed and frozen in fear, but still standing firm in front of him, arms spread wide as if to shield the tall arachnid from his employer’s wrath. 

He looked back at Val, and then down at his makeup kit. 

_The things I do for this idiot!_

“Hey, Daddy-O!” 

“ _ **Wha-FuUH!**_ ” The flea veered off course, hands clawing at his face as half a bottle of high-strength nailpolish remover sloshed into his ruined mouth. 

“GO GO GO!” 

Grabbing onto the Victorian’s elbow, Angel ran past the enraged Overlord and out the door, booking it over to the elevator and throwing himself and Pentious in just in time to see a flash of blood covered parasite barreling towards them. 

Jamming his finger into the close button, Angel released a sigh of relief as the door slid back into place, separating them from certain death. The elevator began to move, and the spider leaned back with a sigh. 

They were safe.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Thump.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Thump.  
.  
.  
.  
Scree!  
.  
.  
.  
.  
BOOM! 

“Oh, come on!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that’s one way to hand in your resignation.
> 
> HOLY SHIZ! OVER 2000 HITS! THANK YOU!


	24. Hellevator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like being trapped with the guy your genius plan’s about to get killed to bring out some emotions.

Angel and Pentious jerked to the side as the elevator jumped and then banged into the side of the chute, the lights flickering ominously above them.

“Fuck!”

Running to the control panel, the prostitute began pressing as many buttons as he could, but the machinery refused to cooperate. Oh, this was _bad_. Whatever Val had done had frozen them in place roughly...five and a half levels in the air, not counting the twenty subterranean floors below the lobby. The flea wasn’t normally one for magic, but it looked like he’d picked up a few tricks over the years.

“God-fucking-DAMNIT!” Slumping onto the itchy carpet, Angel pressed his face into the cold metal wall. He was gonna get it for attacking his boss, and who even KNEW what that evil bastard would do to Pentious for messing up his face like that. “We’re so screwed.”

“Angel.”

“What?! WHAT?!” The spider refused to look up, to look at the idiot who was gonna be ripped open like a piñata for going along with his dumbass plan. “We’re _dead_ when Val gets to us, don’t you get it?! He’s gonna kill you an-and-“

Angel choked back a sob, hands clawing into the floor.

“An’ you’re g-gonna die and it’s my goddamn fault! Y-you shouldn’t even b-be here, but I made you and n-now Val’s madder than I’ve e-ever seen him, and we can’t beat him in a fight.” God, he couldn’t breathe. They were gonna fucking die and he couldn’t even work right. “Why the hell’d y-you attack him anyway?!”

“He wanted me to erassse your mind. I’d never do that - not to you.”

Huh.

For one short, almost blissful moment, Angel’s thoughts blanked. He wasn’t angry, or hurt, or scared, just...empty. Peaceful, even.

It didn’t last.

“Motherfucker!” 

Decades. He’d worked for that arrogant son of a two-cent whore for fucking DECADES! He’d fought for him, defended him, lied and stolen and almost died for him, and that asshole wanted to ERASE HIM?! How long had Val been planning that? Was that...was _that_ why he’d sent him and a couple of the girls to that weird shrink a few years ago. He’d been some kind of snake, hadn’t he?

_I’m gonna **KILL** him!_

But first, he and Scales needed to survive the next few minutes. 

Still hiding his tear-stained face from the Victorian, Angel got back on his feet. They needed a plan to get out of this mess, and if he could count on anything, it was that Pentious was already working through their options.

“Got a way outta here?”

“Sseveral, asss a matter of fact,” the spider demon felt a strong hand come to rest on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “It really dependss on what happenss next. I’m not ssure how Valentino sstopped the elevator, but when I know...”

“You can figure things out.”

“Yesss.” 

“Okay. Let-let me know when you decide.”

“Of coursse. Before that, though...” Pentious removed his hand, and Angel felt the sharp corner of something solid pressing into his arm, “thiss iss for you.”

His case. 

_You...you really think of everything, don’t you?_

“Thanks, Scale-uh, Pentious.” 

“Sscale-Facce iss fine. On occassion, and _never_ in front of Killjoy!”

“Right. Whatever.”

_Don’t cry! Don’t you fucking cry!_

“Sso what _do_ you keep-“

**ScREEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

The elevator began to move again. 

Upwards. 

Halting, and yanking, and stopping again. 

Almost like... 

.........almost like..... 

“Angel, iss Valentino sstrong enough to lift an elevator?” 

Almost like that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGEL, DON’T YOU DARE CRY! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HUMOR FIC!


	25. Up, Up, and RUN AWAY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious has a plan. Pity he’s not used to being a team player.

Two floors to go before they were back on ten.

Two floors before Val made good on his threat of “ _ **I unNA Te’e Oo e haFf, iP Or HOt Ow e am’t Up Or ATH!**_ ”

Whatever the fuck _that_ meant. Angel was pretty damn sure it wasn’t “Hey, thanks for the new look! I’ve been meaning to get some work done, and ‘rotting zombie’ is all the rage these days!”

That melty bastard was gonna rip their heads off when he got a hold of them.

“You work out that plan yet, Scales?”

The elevator jerked up again. A floor and a half to go.

The snake demon didn’t look up from the now gutted control panel. “Almosst there....jussst need...moment....buttonss and Valentino’ss....nooo...hmm. Maybe...?”

One floor to go. 

_Charlie’s gonna be SO pissed if she loses a guest and it’s not cuz of any promotion from the people up top, ‘specially if we make the news. Vaggie’s either gonna spear his ass or throw that asshole a party for taking me out._

“Seriously, now’d be a good time to let me in on how we’re getting out of here.” Ugh, he was sweating through his goddamn poodle skirt. How the heck did Niffty wear this shit all say? Vintage-loving little psycho.

“Ooooooonne...ssssseeeeeccccccoooooonnnnndddd...aaaaaaaaannnnnnndddddd.... _there_!” Grinning with pride, Pentious shoved the last wire back into place. “How good would you ssay you are at climbing?”

“You want us to CLIMB?!”

Half a floor.

“Ansswer the quesstion!”

“I’m not climbing back up to Val’s office, you dumbass bendy straw! Mickey’ll have it swarming with guards by now!”

“Issn’t her name Meggie?”

“NOT THE POINT!”

“I think it iss, but what I meant-“

**Screeee**

“Gack!”

“MOTHERF-“

**Thud**

“He’ss pulling usss up! Hold on!”

“THIS ISNT A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER! THERE’S NOTHING TO HOLD ONTO!”

**Thud**

“HANDS! HANDS!”

“MPH!”

**Screeeeeeeee**

.....

“...get ready.”

**BAM!**

_Tenth floor. ___

__

__“ _ **O’En UH, ENutH. ANtHE. OM naH UnnA Ur oOO.**_ ”_ _

____

____

“ _ **UsH.**_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first person to SUCCESSFULLY translate all of the Valentino quotes in this chapter gets a prize.


	26. Butterfly (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Val finally gets what he wants. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats to Noivoom for winning my challenge! Try to let me know by Saturday if you can.

With a wet-sounding grunt, Valentino finished hauling the elevator back into place, holding it steady just above the door with his upper set of arms. 

“ _ **KUh OW enUsh, AnSHe Aketh.**_ ” Blood splattered against metal, sliding down to obscure the Overlord’s mangled reflection.

“ _ **Um oW, UH OWw. oWN Ae EE uR Oo, AN’Eh. Oo oWN AvVa Eye oo.**_ ”

Fifteen feet behind their employer, a trio of frog demons backed away as magenta energy lashed through the air, sending plaster dust flying from where it clipped the ceiling. The smallest stared wide-eyed as the Porn-Lord clawed lazily at the uncooperative machine, crooning softly at the intruders trapped inside.

Not new to working for the pimp, the guards had long since gotten over any... _sympathies_ one might have for anyone who got on Valentino’s shit list.

But they sure didn’t envy Angel Dust for what must’ve been a PHENOMENAL fuckup.

Especially now, since Valentino _hated_ being ignored.

**Screeeee! Scree! ScreeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Claws curled into the aluminum door, edging into the seams with a tortured scream of metal.

“ _ **Eh oW! EH Ow! GEh UhINg OW uh aIR!**_ ”

The tallest frog crossed himself.

The mid-sized frog disappeared into the remains of Angel’s dressing room.

The enraged flea drew back a fist coated in malevolent energy, preparing to decimate the elevator with Angel and Pentious still inside when

Ding!

Valentino and the two remaining guards blinked in surprise as the door opened with just a bit of difficulty from its battered state, revealing an empty space where two dead-men-walking should be.

The frogs were stunned.

_What the FUCK!?_

_They escaped?! That ballsy whore really did it!_

Their boss wasn’t so impressed.

Upper arms still in place, the high ranking Sinner leaned in, eyes flashing beneath cracked glasses. 

“ _ **OooH! Am OO EN’Us! AIr-**_ ”

“NOW!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The frogs aren’t really going to be a big part of my story, but their names are Blart, Boyle and Billery, if anyone cares to know.


	27. Butterfly (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Val loses his mind, we get to see just what Pentious and Angel were doing in that elevator.

Pentious tightened his hold on Angel as Valentino hauled the elevator back into place, the sound of blood splattering onto metal echoing through the sealed room.

“ _ **KUh OW enUsh, AnSHe Aketh.**_ ”

Oh.... _no_.

It looked like the Overlord was having a _particularly_ bad reaction to his venom. The snake had hoped to knock the pimp out, of course, but the melting...

Oh, the _melting_. 

“ _ **Um oW, UH OWw. oWN Ae EE uR Oo, AN’Eh. Oo oWN AvVa Eye oo**_.”

Valentino was furious, delirious, and in ever increasing agony as his face began to liquify from the inside out. This coupled with his exceptional strength and Pentious was deeply regretting aiming for such an exposed area in the first place.

“ _Fuck, he’s trying to claw his way in_ ,” Angel whispered as something began to scratch at the door. “ _What the shit did you do to him_?”

“ _Venom _,” Pentious hissed back as the scratching grew louder, the eye on his hat squinting in pain at the sound.__

“ _For real? Mine can’t do-_ ” 

__

__

__**Screeeee! Scree! ScreeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!** _ _

__The porn star stopped talking as Valentino began to tear into the door, edging back as far as he could without falling from his place on the ceiling. Spreading his legs, he checked to make sure his skirt wouldn’t be in view once the door opened._ _

__So far so good._ _

“ _ **Eh oW! EH Ow! GEh UhINg OW uh aIR!**_ ” 

_He’s really losing it. Hope Scale-Face’s plan works or Val’ll fuck us up so bad even Al wouldn’t touch our corpses._

__The sound of shredding aluminum cut off abruptly._ _

__Pentious looked over at Angel._ _

__He nodded. It was time._ _

__Reaching down, Angel pressed the OPEN button, withdrawing his hand just in time for the door to slide back with a cheery “Ding!”_ _

__Pentious straightened his arms, tightening his position on the top corner of the elevator._ _

__Angel narrowed his eyes, getting ready to move._ _

__Upper arms still in place, the Valentino leaned in, antennae twitching angrily as he looked around the empty room._ _

“ _ **OooH! Am OO EN’Us! AIr-**_ ” 

__“NOW!”_ _

__Jumping onto the already unstable Overlord’s head, Angel crouched down as the flea tipped forward before springing out of the elevator, sending Val halfway into the machine._ _

Damn if it didn’t feel _good_! 

__

__

__“HELL YEAH! DO IT, SCALES!”_ _

__Grasping just above the mangled door, Pentious swung himself forward, slithering over Valentino’s back and out the door._ _

__But not without one last surprise for his host._ _

__Ding!_ _

__The metal door shot back into place in an instant, pinning the flea and failing to retract at the feel of a body in the way._ _

__Everyone froze._ _

__Angel smirked._ _

__Pentious grinned._ _

__The taller frog disappeared, leaving one lone, possibly broken fellow guard in his wake._ _

__And Valentino...he stayed right where he was._ _

__Upper arms holding the elevator up._ _

__The _only_ support keeping the elevator from falling over twenty stories._ _

__Body pinned in place like a butterfly on display._ _

__Too in shock to speak._ _

__In too much pain to focus his powers without risking a sudden drop._ _

__Someone had to break the silence, and, to no one’s surprise, that someone was Sir Pentious._ _

__“HAHAHAHA! What _foolss_ dare challenge the likess of I?! I, Ssir Pentiousss, conquerer of the Po- um...of thiss pathetic building and the weakling who callss himsself Overlord!”_ _

__“Uh, Scales?” Angel tried._ _

__“Now you will ALL ssee the elegant geniusss at my disspossal, tremble before-“_ _

__“Pen, I really think-“_ _

__“And a new age sshall dawn in Hell, the Age of-“_ _

__**BLEEEEEP BLEEEEEP BLEEEEEEP** _ _

__Sirens rang, ending the mad scientist’s speech as the sounds of footsteps thudded above their heads._ _

__“Marge must’ve set off the alarms! Run!”_ _

__“CURSSE YOU, MEGGIE!”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snake beats flea, but Meggies reign supreme.


	28. Number of the Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Daring Duo escapes! Not everyone is happy that they survived. One person is thrilled!

“Shit-shit-shit-shit-shiiiiiiit! Those motherfuckers do _not_ give up! What the hell does Val pay them?!”

“Sshut up and run fasster!” Pentious snapped, slithering as fast as he could, hat cradled safely in his arms as bullets tore through the hair over and to the sides of their heads.

Angel was right about one thing; Valentino’s second batch of guards, cheetahs of all things, weren’t letting them go without a fight. Ten floors down and three streets over and the spotted felines were gaining on them.

“GUYS, COME ON! VAL DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU TO CHASE US!”

“I said SSHUT UP!”

“FUCK YOU, PEN! I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS!”

“SSO AM I! THAT’SS WHY I’M MOVING AND _NOT_ YELLING LIKE AN IDIOT!”

“YOU’RE YELLING AT ME RIGHT NOW!”

“BUT NOT LIKE AN IDIOT!”

“STILL YELLING. IT REALLY ISN’T FAIR TO HOLD MR. DUST TO A DIFFERENT STANDARD THAN YOU HOLD YOURSELF!” A growling voice called from behind them.

“WE DIDN’T ASSK YOU!” The snake demon yelled back.

“YEAH! MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!” Angel screamed. “AND DON’T CALL ME MR. DUST!”

A dagger flew past, taking part of the porn star’s sleeve with it.

Angel turned his head, trying to spot which of the cat demons had ruined his new shirt.

“DAMN IT! THAT WAS A LOAN FROM THE STUDIO!”

“SSON OF A- UGH! JUSSST KEEP RUNNING!”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Hey, Vaggie,” Charlie looked over at her girlfriend of several years.

“Yeah?” The gray demoness looked over as Charlie dropped down on the couch beside her.

“Have you seen Angel anywhere? He said he had work in the Studio today, but I thought he’d be back by now.”

The hotel owner _really_ wanted to talk to Angel more about his friend, Bow. She’d been so nice at the party, and she was SO pretty! A high-profile Sinner like that endorsing the Happy Hotel would be amazing for business. Maybe the feathered serpent would let her leave some pamphlets in her club?

“No, he’s probably staying late to suck up to his boss.” Vaggie flicked on the TV, wrapping an arm around her lover’s shoulders as the blonde snuggled into her side. “At least he’s can’t cause any problems under that asshole pimp’s watch.”

.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Well, you losers better have something good for me. Go on.”

“Us.”

“Shut up, Tom.” Katie Killjoy leaned over the conference table, grinning as the 666 News research team scooted back, eyes downcast. “Now, what’s going on in the Pentagram?”

“Uh, w-well, M-Ms. Killjoy, M-Mam,” a tall, fur-covered demon stuttered out.

“ _W-well w-w-what?_ Hurry it up, Bigfoot!” Fuck, she loved playing with new meat. They’d be broken down nice and easy soon enough. No point having people under her if it didn’t mean they were safe and secure under her heel.

“I, um, well- Porn Studios!” 

“Porn...Studios. You called me in-“

“Called _us_ in.”

“-because you want to talk about Valentino’s whores?!”

“No, well yes, but...”

“THERE WAS AN ATTACK!” 

Katie turned her head, following the source of the shout to a small form attempting to vanish into the corner of the room.

“An attack? On an Overlord’s headquarters? Don’t you lie to me, Cara, I don’t like having my time wasted by pathetic little liars looking for a quick promotion.”

The girl, Sarah, shook her head wildly as Tom moved to block her escape route. She looked over at her team, all of whom refused to meet her eyes.”

“It-it’s not a lie! I found the video on Splinter! T-There were witnesses. Look!”

Quickly flicking on her phone, Sarah pressed her face into the wall as the blonde demoness stalked up to her, snatching the cellphone out of her hand.

Katie watched the video once. Twice. And laughed.

The furry demon whimpered as she fell into the table, still howling at the images in her hand. Tom shot a covert look as her cleavage bounced from the sudden movement.

“Tom, you’ve got to see this!”

Never one to miss a chance at full-body contact, Tom Trench allowed himself to be yanked against her side, the small screen shoved at his face.

“Sir Pentious? The wannabe Overlord? And is that...Angel Dust? They attacked the Porn Studios? Doesn’t Angel _work_ there?”

“Yes, he does, and where is he _staying_ when he isn’t there?” 

“At the Happy Hotel.”

“At the Happy-goddamn-Hotel, where Princess Charlie teaches demons to be _good_!” She laughed again. “Nice to see she’s keeping up the good work! If all angels were like Angel Dust, the Exterminators would have to kill themselves!”

“You’re absolutely right, Katie! And to be working with Sir Pentious, who just this year tried to destroy the Hotel - why, when I saw him at G...oh, shit!”

The reporter eeped as his co-star tightened her hold, claws pricking through the thick material of his suit.

”Tom, you gutless, useless, small-dicked bastard! Who the FUCK said you could go to _G_ without me?!”

”MERCY!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 200 comments! Love you all!
> 
> Edit: This chapter has been changed since publication. Shortly after posting, I realized the 666 News section (which, admittedly I’d always planned to incorporate in one way or another) had a lot of similarities to part of a different fic. It wasn’t intentional, but I refuse to screw over another author and decided to make adjustments to my story.


	29. Calling it in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A favor for a favor. Angel finally makes good on his end of the deal.

Pentious collapsed on the floor, wheezing uncontrollably as his airship lifted off the ground. The sound of wailing cheetahs faded under the hum of engines and inane chatter of his minions.

“I.....heee....never....that again....heee....you inconssiderate....heee....’sssshole.”

From his own position on the ground, Angel glared and somehow found the strength to flip him off. “‘S’not.....heee.....like I....told you to.....heee.....spit venom in....his face.”

Rolling over, the inventor used the corner of a table to hoist himself up, waving off a handful of curious Egg Bois.

Why had he even agreed to help that brat with his insane plan?

_Oh, right. My lovely Boa._

“Call....Misss Bow. Now.”

The porn star groaned as he stood, back cracking as he flexed.

“Can’t it wait?”

“ _Angel._ ”

“Ugh, fine. Stubborn bastard.” Pulling out his cellphone, the spider typed in Bow’s number.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
The phone rang.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
And rang.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
And then, the ringing stopped.

“Feathers, hey!” Angel turned his back to the Victorian, grinning at Bow’s greeting. She was sounding loads better now that the Rainbow Room was almost ready to re-open. A pretty smile and huge bag of bribe money really worked wonders in the Pentagram.

“Yeah, you too. I told you the black was gonna work for you better than the orange. Look, me and Sir Pentious......yeah, the guy I introduced you to. We’re gonna hang out this weekend, maybe go through the park and see what’s happening. Wanna come with?”

Pentious felt his heart pounding through his chest. He wished he could hear his Boa’s side of the conversation.

“Nah, he’s cool with you coming-“

_She thinks I don’t WANT her around? I WANT TO DIE! GOD, STRIKE ME DOWN! MY BODY IS READY, MY SPIRIT IS WILLING!_

“-he thinks you’re really cool-“

_I THINK SHE IS BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, INTELLIGENT AND THE EMBODIMENT OF FEMININE PERFECTION, NOT ANYTHING AS BASIC AS ‘COOL’! DO I LOOK LIKE A HIPSTER TO YOU?_

“-maybe grab lunch at that place we liked... _Medici’s_ , right.....yeah...sounds good. Seeya then, Hot Stuff!” Ending the call, the pale arachnid threw a fist in the air, spinning around to shoot his partner a triumphant smirk.

_Did she...?_

“Better pick out something nice to wear, Scales, ‘cause you’ve got your walking date with Bow this Sunday!”

“NUMBER 37! CALL MY TAILOR!”

“Sure, Boss!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO CLOSE TO THE END OF STEP 3!
> 
> I was GOING to share what’s in the box this chapter....but I guess you’ll have to wait a day or two. Pentious decided calling Bow was more important.


	30. A Royal Stitch Fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious wants to look nice for his lady. Angel wants to be anywhere else.

Angel wanted to die.

No, that wasn’t quite right.

Angel wanted someone _else_ to die.

“What...no. Shit, what the fuck - you aren’t wearing a goddamn _tailcoat_ to the park!”

“I need to look my besst for my firsst outing with my dearesst Boa.” The Victorian looked over a selection of handkerchiefs. Red or green? Was red too forward, or would it make his eyes pop? Perhaps a cheeky dash of tartan?

“We’re supposed to be having a CASUAL hangout, you’re not proposing!”

The spider blinked, then shot the mad scientist a suspicious look.

“You’re _not_ proposing, right? ‘Cause I’m not gonna step in if she bites your head off. Bow’s fucking terrifying when guys get weird.”

Pentious nearly fell over in shock. “OF COURSSE NOT! How could you - why would-“

Sputtering under Angel’s disapproving gaze, he muttered “I jusst...want her to like me.”

_Fuck, now he’s pouting._

“Scales, she _already_ likes you. You danced together for like eight songs at Chuck’s party, and she couldn’t stop talking about you all night.”

“But sshe didn’t _know_ I wasss her partner. I wass just...a man in a mask in her eyess. Why iss it sso wrong that I want Bow to ssee ME thiss time?”

Angel sighed, a hint of guilt creeping in as Pentious drew in on himself, all eyes pointed at the ground. 

_Damn it! Now I’m gonna have to give this idiot a pep talk. When did my life turn into a frikkin Full House episode?_

“Look, Pen...I get it. You really like Feathers and want to make a good impression. That’s fine, but this,” he gestured to the snake’s formalwear, “it’s not gonna impress her. Bow won’t care if you have money, and she’s not going to _see_ you if you make yourself up to be someone you think she’d prefer. I’m not saying you can’t try to look good but can ya maybe tone it down a bit? It’s the park, not Buckingham Palace.” 

“The park?! Oh, dear, your friend is quite right, young man.” 

Angel and Pentious froze as an elderly demon bustled over, the pins pressed into his head wiggling with indignation as he removed the tails. 

“Honestly, you should have said something sooner. No, what you need-“ 

_How long do you think he was standing there?_

_Hell if I know. That freaky-ass pincushion moves like a fucking Ninja Turtle._

_But when-_

“Hmm, definitely the black.” the tailor, Mr. Adata said to himself, before disappearing and abruptly _reappearing_ with a bundle of dark cloth in his hands. “Go on. Try it on so I can see if you will be needing any adjustments.” 

“What? I never agreed to buy thiss-“ 

“Hurry it up! I have appointments after you, you know! Now get dressed!” 

Pentious flushed under Mr. Adata’s admonishment, then started to change. 

Angel laughed, then glared when Pentious’s tailor whacked the back of his head. 

_You’re SO lucky I don’t fight old guys, you creepy fuck!_

“Iss thisss...Angel, what do you think?” 

The fluffy demon stopped glaring long enough to shoot a look over at the new outfit. Then he looked back at the outfit. 

__

__Huh._ _

“Damn, Twizzler, that’s not bad! Get that one!” 

“I believe I will. Would you prefer cassh or check, my good ssir?” 

__Mr. Adata snorted, ducking under the snake’s arm to begin taking stock of what needed to be changed for a perfect fit. “Not a cent from you, Mister Pentious. A friend of yours came in this morning and insisted he cover the bill.”_ _

__Startled, Pentious shot a questioning look over at his...acquaintance._ _

__“Wasn’t me.” Angel was just as confused._ _

__“Then who-“_ _

__“‘Hoo’ is the operative word here, young man. Here, he left you a note.”_ _

__Angel looked over the inventor’s shoulder as Mr. Adata handed him an expensive looking piece of stationery._ _

___**Dear Penty,** _ _ _

___**Whatever you and Mr. Adata end up selecting for your upcoming outing, please accept it free of charge on my behalf. I look forward to hosting you at my estate one day, perhaps with the enchanting Bow and your mutual friend, Angel Dust.** _ _ _

___**With great affection,  
Stolas** _ _ _

__“Dude, when did you meet Prince Stolas?! Did you screw?!”_ _

__“HOW THE - ISS HE _SSTALKING_ ME?!”_ _

__“Lucky!”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to Wiktionary, Adata means needle in Latvian.
> 
> See? My story is educational.


	31. Pandora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious finally has a moment to reflect on the last couple days

“Remember, I’ll be at the Hotel on Ssaturday to discusss planss for our outing.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Angel hopped down off the ramp of the airship, waving off the snake’s nerves. “Come around sometime after three. Seeya, Scale-Face.”

Without a look back, the spider demon walked off, humming to himself.

_You could at least act like you’re taking this seriously, you ass._

Moving deeper into his home (his “flying mobile home,” according to the furry idiot), the inventor felt the full weight of the last couple days creep in.

Perhaps he should have tried harder to sleep the night after the _incident_ in the Porn Studios building, but thoughts about his walk with his wonderful Boa had kept him up, just as they had so many nights.

_Soon._

Setbacks aside, he would have his chance to woo her the way a woman of her caliber deserved to be wooed.

Entering his bedroom, Pentious began to undress, gently slipping his hat off and placing it safely on his bedside. The semi-sentient headgear closed its eye, drifting off for the night.

He couldn’t wait to do the same.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, the Victorian unbuttoned his jacket, dropping it to the floor in a rare testament to his overwhelming exhaustion.

As it hit the floor, Pentious heard the distinct sound of something... _crumpling_?

What could-

Pentious shot off the bed, all eyes opening wide.

_The paper from the box! I put it in my jacket for safekeeping!_

He reached for the pile of black and yellow cloth, hand pausing as it brushed against the material.

He shouldn’t.

Whatever it was, Angel had gone out of his way to not talk about it.

They’d nearly died to recover whatever it was.

No...

 _He’d_ nearly died to recover whatever it was.

Yes, he would need to return it to the crass arachnid as soon as possible...

...which would be on Saturday.

Until then, well, hadn’t he earned a little peek at whatever it was?

It had to be valuable.

Irreplaceable.

He hadn’t _opened_ the damn box after all, it wasn’t _his_ fault that the paper was still outside his helper’s possession.

_Just...one.....little look. No harm in that._

Scooping the jacket into his arms, Pentious carefully extracted the paper from the hidden pocket inside.

Hmm...odd texture, but familiar. Very stiff, and the side facing away was...

...glossy.

_I know that feeling._

The eccentric demon tightened his hold on the photograph. It was an old one. Looking closely, he could see the yellow of age. The image would probably be faded after all this time.

A picture...that was so...so...

“Perssonal.”

He shouldn’t look.

No, it would be fine.

Angel wouldn’t _know_ if he looked, and the spider was always so guarded about his past.

Just one small peek.

Flipping it over, Pentious came face to face with a dark haired woman.

A _human_ woman, with a young boy on her lap.

The woman wasn’t smiling, but she radiated a quiet contentment as she held the boy. 

Her son? Yes, they had many of the same features.

While the female was reserved, her child grinned at the camera, mismatched eyes glittering with joy.

_Those eyes..._

The photograph slipped from his grasp, fluttering slowly back down to the dark floor of his room.

Pentious didn’t notice.

_No. No, no, I didn’t...no. Shit!_

Falling back down onto the bed, the scaled scientist stared in horror at the item on his floor. His chest tightened as he began to panic.

_It’s his mother! I stole a picture of Angel’s MOTHER?!_

_**OH FUCK!** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ve officially gotten your first look into The Booooooooxx!
> 
> Why does Pentious keep stealing cherished pictures? We may never know


	32. Eye Spy (Intro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious knows he has to make things right with Angel.
> 
> ...but...what does “right” really mean, anyway? English is such a twisty language.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, setting up for the next of Pentious’s many challenges.

_Relax, you can do this._

Pentious felt adrenaline course through his body. He didn’t want to do this.

Why was he worried? He didn’t need to be worried.

Angel wasn’t particularly _scary_ , after all. Not like Alastor, or Valentino or Princess Charlotte.

Just go in, return the picture and leave without making a scene.

...

And don’t wake anyone up.

Yes, fine, perhaps he was _a little_ wary of the arachnid’s wrath, but that wasn’t why he was breaking into the Happy-Hazbin Hotel! It was just...well, more convenient for everyone. Angel didn’t need to be bothered with something so trivial, not when they had plans that couldn’t be pushed back.

Really, he was doing a _service_ by preserving his acquaintance’s peace of mind.

It was the least he could do as a gentleman.

The snake demon slid a little device of his under the window frame, removing it as he heard a small click from the lock coming undone. Pushing the window up, he slid inside, moving carefully as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.

_Now where did Numbers 3, 18 and 30 say his room was? Right, fourth floor._

Slithering slowly through the halls, Pentious made out a staircase in the distance.

Perfect.

Go in.

Put the picture back in that God forsaken case.

And leave.

Not his most complex plan, but sometimes simplicity works best with simple people in mind.

He would be back out the window within thirty minutes and then come back to meet the spider that afternoon.

A perfect, perfectly victimless crime. Angel would be happy to see him, they could spend a delightful afternoon discussing plans for wooing his lovely Boa, and everything would continue as it should.

Honestly, the Victorian couldn’t even remember why he’d been anxious in the first place.

Focusing on getting to the stairs, Sir Pentious didn’t spot the figure appearing behind him, twisting up through the floorboards with all the grace of an experienced specter.

**Hmm...**

A wide smile crawled across its face as it raised a clawed hand, fingers curling in anticipation as the intruder moved unsteadily through its domain.

 **I don’t remember ordering a late night snack.**  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
**WHat aN UneXpeCTed deLighT!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And THIS is why honesty is usually the best policy. Also, maybe don’t break into the home of Lucifer’s daughter.
> 
> Anyone have any ship names for Bow and Pentious? I’m drawing a blank. The person with the one I like the best will get a prize.


	33. Eye Spy (1/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Master is away, a Shadow will play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Alastor’s shadow is too cool NOT to be an independent character.

The Shadow laughed silently as its prey stumbled through the dark halls, cursing quietly as his hip met the sharp corner of a table.

The snake demon bent down, looking closely at the contents of the table. Reddened eyes lit up at the sight of a lone candle.

**Yes, that _would_ be useful, wouldn’t it?**

The intruder (one it vaguely remembered from the Princess’s latest party) groaned, moving away as his hope gave way to frustration.

**Such a pity Master had to confiscate the matches. Maybe the next one will think to bring their own lights.**

Lost in thought, the Shadow was too late to notice its hand, fully tangible for the hunt, nearing the candlestick the snake had just abandoned.

_Thump._

Whirling around, the demon stared into the empty hallway, shoulders losing their tenseness as he saw the candle had been knocked over by some unseen force.

Behind him, the Shadow blinked, head cocking to the side as its victim chuckled.

**What’s so funny? You’re supposed to be alone, but something knocked over the candle. You’re being followed. Hunted. Why aren’t you scared?**

“Musst’ve been the breeze. I forgot that I left the window open.”

Dark claws lowered.

**The...breeze?**

Vanishing again as its future meal turned back towards the staircase, the Shadow waited for its next opportunity to strike.

No point killing if you couldn’t have the full show, after all.

The man finally reach the stairs, squinting up into the impenetrable darkness.

“Three floorsss to go. Get in, get to the casse, and go.”

Gripping the handrail tightly, he began his climb, slithering deeper into his final resting place.

The Shadow grinned.

**Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water.**

Blinded by the absence of light, its prey paid no mind as the Shadow dashed ahead.

Perhaps the odd reptile had written off the candle as a trick of the mind, but there were always more tricks to play.

And a staircase was the perfect setting for an old favorite.

**Jack fell down and broke his crown.**

Summoning a tendril from its back, the Shadow lightly tapped the snake’s top hat, watching the demon freeze as the article of clothing tipped back farther and farther before gravity took hold and sent it spinning back down the stairs.

“Wha-“

Its victim turned, exposing his back to the being once more raising its hands.

Palms out this time.

**And Jill came TUMbliNG aFTer!**

Thrusting forward, the Shadow nearly had a tumble of its own as its hands met air.

The snake was...on the ground?

**......?**

“Damned darknesss,” the demon muttered, feeling around for the hat and coming up empty. “Sshouldn’t have leaned sso much to hold the rail.”

**Are you...are you blaming yourself again?**

The Shadow _should_ just slit the fool’s throat. Let him bleed out in the stairs and wait to hear the sweet screams of whichever resident found his body in the morning.

But...

...well...

...that wasn’t good enough. Not for the Shadow.

An easy death would be so boring!

It was a creation of the cruelest of the Overlords, a manifestation of terror given form and let loose upon the scum of the netherworld.

All who came across it knew fear.

This brainless creature would be the same.

The Shadow twitched as the snake finally found his hat, returning the ugly piece of silk and felt to his head with a flourish.

He whistled as he moved past the Shadow, climbing higher into the Hotel.

He _whistled_.

The Shadow’s grin vanished as an off-tone rendition of _Swing Low, Sweet Chariot_ echoed in the confined space.

**He...really...whistle......what?**

Something was very, very wrong in the Hazbin Hotel.

But it knew a way to make things right.

**GET BACK HERE AND DIE SCREAMING ALREADY, YOU STUPID SPAGHETTI!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m kind of liking Rainbow Cobra as a ship name today, BUT I did make a contest and intend to stick to it. 
> 
> I can’t decide, so...
> 
> The finalists are:  
> Bowtious by TwinklingMayViolets (the first to suggest it)  
> And  
> Snake Feathers by Bookworm4567
> 
> Please vote for your favorite (finalists can vote for their choices). The winner will be announced in the next chapter.


	34. Eye Spy (2/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious looks for Angel’s room. Meanwhile, a Shadow looks to make a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like Bowtious wins! Your prize options are listed in a response to your last comment.

Pentious whistled to himself as he reached the third floor, feeling his way through the darkness as much as he could.

_I could use some light, but this isn’t so bad. Better than another elevator, at any rate._

The Victorian shuddered at the memory of his disastrous meeting with the Overlord. He’d won, in a sense, but swinging about hundreds of feet above the ground was an experience he has no interest in repeating.

Turning again, he made his way up to the fourth floor. The sound of his tail moving over the ancient wood of the stairs echoed through the stairwell.

Odd, it almost sounded like footsteps.

Pentious didn’t particularly miss having legs, but he’d be the first to admit that suits didn’t quite fit the same when you couldn’t wear pants.

And shoes. 

Oh, the shoes.

He _did_ have some truly excellent footwear when he’d been alive. Buttery, supple Italian leathers crafted with care by London’s most skilled cobblers. All custom, of course, and more pairs than even he could find use for.

The genius still thought about them sometimes. 

Fingers finding the cold metal of a doorknob, Pentious slowly opened the door and slid inside. The snake could feel his eyes sting as they adjusted to the small amount of light shining through a nearby window.

Hearing a harsh creak from the staircase, the inventor shut the door as quickly as he could, wincing at the thump coming from within the now sealed section of the hotel.

_Honestly! I know Charlotte is trying to prove some ridiculous point to her parents by running this gigantic scrap heap without their aid, but is it too much to ask for some basic upkeep? Her lack of consideration for others is astounding._

(On the other side of the door, the Shadow gripped its aching head.)

_Now to find Angel’s room..._

Numbers 3 and 30 hadn’t remembered much from their initial acquisition of the fluffy whore, but 18 had mentioned that there were signs of two residents living on the fourth floor, and that they’d picked his room on the first try.

There had to be at least a dozen rooms in this hallway alone, but if his minions could divine Angel’s location correctly from the start, that meant there had to be _some_ sign.

Those ridiculous Eggs were of no match for his own enhanced mind, the great intellect that had shone through from the moment he came into being, growing steadily as he learned under the finest minds of his generation.

A brilliance that even now made him the envy of all.

Yes, he would spot whatever clue his creations had used to make their decision, no matter how small, how subtle, how seemingly inconsequential-

Oh, okay.

Maybe they’d noticed the hot pink door with the words “ANGEL DUST” painted across the surface in gold glitter.

_Found it._

Pressing the side of his head to the door, mindful to avoid touching the glitter, Pentious listened for any sign of activity from within.

Nothing.

Hand shaking in anticipation, he removed the device from his pocket, sliding it beneath the handle.

With a small click, the door unlocked.

_Get in, put the picture in the case, and leave. Simple enough._

Turning the handle as slowly as he could, Sir Pentious entered Angel’s room, a silent companion at his heels.

**Slamming doors isn’t very nice, Mr. Snake. WhatEvEr SHaLl We DO AbOuT thAT?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor’s Shadow is trying to be Hannibal Lector but ends up more like a Scooby Doo monster of the week.
> 
> Hmm...I don’t love this chapter. Any thoughts on how I can...refine it a bit?


	35. Eye Spy (3/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious tries to find the case. Feelings (and the Shadow) make it harder than it needs to be.

The room was dark, with just a hint of light streaming through the gap in the pink curtains on the opposite wall, illuminating the deathly pale body curled up on top of the bed.

Long fingers curled protectively around black plastic.

Angel had apparently fallen asleep while doing something on his phone.

Taking a moment to look around, Pentious found himself surprised. The spider’s room was as feminine as he’d imagined, but also considerably less...well, porn-y than expected. There was a desk with what looked like makeup scattered over it but no extensive, brightly lit vanity. There were discarded outfits draped over the chair and collecting in a basket in the corner, but no sexual aids, cameras, or anything else befitting Hell’s top porn star.

It was all surprisingly _normal._

Comfortable, but not ostentatious.

And maybe that was the point, Pentious thought, a hint of guilt creeping in as he snuck another look at the figure sleeping peacefully to his side.

This wasn’t the room of Angel Dust, Valentino’s best selling prostitute.

It wasn’t the room he’d been given in the Porn Studios building, a place he’d been warned never to leave (“not ‘nless I felt like getting dragged back by my hair next time Val wanted t’see me,” Angel had mentioned offhandedly weeks ago).

This was Angel’s room. The room of a demon trying to escape his employer’s constricting hold, to take back control and live a life outside of his profession.

It was a room meant to be comforting, a place where he could go to escape the Studio’s watch, the Overlord’s manipulations, and the _expectations_ even the kindest of Sinners had when they heard his name.

A place that reflected who the arachnid was when he could be himself.

In short, Angel’s room was a _private_ area, which was most likely why it had been locked in the first place.

Pentious shouldn’t be here.

Angel had done so much for him, and _this_ was another violation of his ally’s trust.

But...the picture. 

_I can’t keep it. Even if he hasn’t noticed it missing, he will eventually._

He’d go as soon as he could, but not before he got to the case. 

Nodding, Pentious got to work, examining the most obvious locations. 

Table drawer? No. 

Small bathroom on the other side of the bed? No. 

Top of the closet? No, but now he knew where Angel kept his toys. 

_My kingdom for some Purell._

Wiping his hands against the sides of his jacket, the Victorian paused in his search. 

Angel _treasured_ that case and its contents. He’d want to keep it safe. 

Close by. 

Inside his room, but not where a person would accidentally stumble over it if invited inside. 

Angel snorted in his sleep, before rolling over, breath evening as he settled into the new position. 

Of course, the other wouldn’t make it easy for him. 

_It’s under his bed. Damn!_

This wouldn’t be easy. Angel wasn’t necessarily a _light_ sleeper, proven by his continued sleep as a snake demon infiltrated his room, but years of living in a more...terrible environment had made the spider very sensitive to movement. 

His Egg Bois had used a special airborne sedative to keep him under long enough to be moved the last time, but he hadn’t thought to bring one for this. 

He would need to get his arms and torso under the bed to locate the case, but even the slightest bump would wake Angel, no doubt leading to the fight of their afterlives. 

_I can still leave. Put the picture on the desk and go._

_But he’ll know, won’t he? You were the last person to have the case before him, the only one other than Valentino who would have had the opportunity to look inside._

He had to at least try to get the case. 

_Carefully._

Moving slowly, Pentious sunk down, keeping his eyes on Angel for as long as he could. 

The striped hooker slept on. 

Lowering himself onto his elbows, the inventor looked under the bed. 

There was a box! 

...and another one. And....another one. 

It looked as though Angel used the space under his bed for general storage. 

_Greeeeeeat. The one thing that can turn this mess into a true disaster._

There were four....no, five, plastic storage bins under the bed, each more than large enough to hold _The Box_. 

He could still try, but it was very unlikely that he’d be able to get to, remove, and open each of the bins without waking his - waking Angel. 

The brooding serpent was so consumed with his thoughts that he failed to notice the shadows to his right thicken, stretching out into a humanoid form, face directed at the distracted demon. 

A wide smile split across the Shadow’s face as it edged closer, tendrils extending from its side, reaching out to trap the intruder in its web. 

Very fitting, considering whose bed they were under. 

Almost gently, a dark line slid over to wrap around the snake’s wrist as the demon started to slide back. 

It would allow the snake to move out from under the bed, only to _drag_ him back in, to realize that he had fallen prey to a superior being, a natural predator born of the shadows. 

The snake would live long enough to pay for his rudeness. 

**Will you scream from the start, Mr. Snake, or will you need a little _persuasion_? No worries. We have all the time in the world to find out.**

Pentious moved out from under the bed. 

The Shadow moved in for the kill. 

A stream of yellow light moved between them, coming from the gap in the door Pentious hadn’t bothered to close properly. 

The inventor hissed lowly as he jerked back, pressing himself into a corner of the room. 

The Shadow hissed as its tendril, meant to be soft until it was time to pull, evaporated at the motion. 

Light footsteps approached the door and a single orange and yellow eye peered inside. 

“Is that you, Mister Snake-Man? Did Angel invite you over for some grown up time? I don’t really know what that means, but Vaggie says it’s dirty. You shouldn’t make Angel’s room dirty, Mister Snake. He only lets me clean in there twice a week!” 

_Oh, God._

**HOW THE HELL DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 35 chapters! Wow.
> 
> Much love to everyone who stuck around this long! I have A LOT to accomplish with this story, and then hopefully with a few others.
> 
> As always, comments are always welcome.


	36. Excussse Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niffty isn’t quiet and Angel isn’t THAT heavy of a sleeper.
> 
> Pentious is put to the ultimate test.

Angel snorted in his sleep, and shifted.

Pentious couldn’t breathe.

Mismatched eyes opened just a sliver, gleaming in the darkness.

The spider was clearly drifting in and out of consciousness. His scales and clothing were all but camouflaged among the shadows. If he stayed very, _very_ still, perhaps the other man would go back to sleep, giving him time to escape.

It was as good a plan as he could have given the circumstances. 

“Mister Snake-Man? You should really get off the floor - I haven’t vacuumed since Thursday.”

It could have been a slightly better plan.

Wincing, Pentious picked himself off the ground as Angel’s eyes widened, the prostitute using his elbows to raise himself up. He looked over at Niffty, now standing in the fully open door.

He looked over to the snake demon towering above him.

3  
.  
.  
.  
2  
.  
.  
.  
1  
.  
.  
.

“Man, what the FUCK!?”

_And we’re off._

Scrambling off the bed, Angel jabbed at a switch on his other side. Lights flooded the room, and the Victorian shrunk back as an angry flush appeared on his helper’s face, somehow showing through his thick layer of fur.

“Pen?! What the hell are you doing here?! It’s-“

He checked the alarm clock at his bedside.

“3:30! You creepy snake bastard! What the Hell are you doing in _my room_ at 3:30 in the goddamn MORNING?!”

Angel glared, chest heaving in anger as Pentious struggled to find an explanation.

_Tell him before he figures it out._

Yes, he _should_ do that. He’d already been caught, Angel was already upset.

If he just told the truth, apologized for accidentally leaving with the photograph, maybe...maybe Angel would understand.

Accidents happened, and they’d both been distracted between leaving the studio and then seeing Mr. Adata on such short notice.

Angel had risked his life protecting him from Valentino’s wrath, that had to _mean_ something.

What exactly it meant, he wasn’t sure, but it was something.

Angel might be upset if he told the truth, but he would get over it.

It was time to come clean.

Straightening up, Pentious gave the furious arachnid his most sincere look.

“You ssaid I sshould come to ssee you after three to disscusss our outing with Misss Bow.”

_Where did THAT come from?!_

Angel blinked.

Pentious mentally berated himself, preparing for the immediate backlash of his impulsive lie.

_IDIOT! You just blew your chance at making things right! Nobody in their right mind would accept such a pathetic excuse! ‘Oh, sorry, didn’t know you meant three in the afternoon! I thought you wanted me to break into your room at THREE IN THE MORNING!’_

“You...you...” Angel’s face was reddening again, darker than before.

_I deserve this._

“You...absolute _dork_!” Angel began laughing, the sound of his uncontrolled mirth echoing through the room.

“I-hahaha-I meant the OTHER three! Hahahahaha!”

The porn star collapsed back onto the bed, shoulders shaking as the inventor stared slack-jawed.

“Damn, Bendy Straw,” Angel finally looked back up, giggling at the look on his student’s face, “I know Feathers makes you crazy, but you’re actin like a kid on Christmas. It’s okay to wait until morning, you know?”

Oh.

Somehow, through some twisted knot of logical reasoning, Angel thought that he had arrived early because he was too excited to wait for the afternoon.

It was wrong.

It totally ignored that he had broken into the spider’s room without knocking or even turning on the lights.

It was...well, not that out of character if he really thought about it.

_Am I that ridiculous when it comes to my romantic pursuits?_

A question for another time.

Now, what to do?

The picture in his jacket pocket _burned_ into his skin.

He could still tell Angel.

He could wipe the smile off his ally’s face, reveal his deception and lose his chance at

At

At

_Something._

Or...he could wait a few days. This wouldn’t be his only chance to return the photograph to the case or give it back to Angel directly.

They were together so often these days. Surely there would be a better time if he waited just a bit.

For now, Angel was happy to see him, chatting about his lovely Boa and holding up a stack of sloppily written notes on what they should go over before their outing.

They were both smiling, and the little cyclops had wandered off at some point, giving them some privacy to talk.

His time to tell Angel would come, but now wasn’t that time.

Everything was just too right to spoil it with a confession.

They could have this.

_For now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOP GOING OFF SCRIPT, PENTIOUS! I GAVE YOU EVERY CHANCE TO FESS UP!
> 
> ...you brought THIS on yourself.
> 
> *types evilly*
> 
> I keep getting so distracted lately with story ideas! I just started another one (about The Shadow) and I have one in mind as a Valentino/OC story in which the OC runs out on him after a one night stand and he upturns hell looking for them (in that story he’d still be a jerk, but nowhere near as evil as I had him in this story), or one with Husk randomly getting custody of a young cat demon...
> 
> GAH! MIND, JUST LET ME FOCUS ON ONE OR TWO PROJECTS FOR NOW!


	37. Bow’s Character Notes (NOT A CHAPTER)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As decided in our latest contest, I am publishing Bow’s character notes and answering any questions you might have (as long as the answers aren’t spoilers).
> 
> If you already have a solid idea about how Bow looks and don’t feel like changing it, this can be skipped without you missing anything related to the plot.
> 
> These are my rough notes, so forgive the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH. So messy 😅

Original idea: feathered serpent demon. Green scales, legs with clawed feet, long tail? Rainbow fire breathing?

_No. Feathered serpent, not lizard. Not dragon. Commit_

See: Death Rattler (OC files, under Miraculous)  
-return to body later. Start small.

 **Name:**  
Quetz: because feathered serpent is loosely based off Quetzalcoatl 

_Nah, too on the nose and not really related to character_

Boa

_Solid maybe_

Raindancer  
_Nope. Doesn’t have aquatic abilities anyway. Veto!_

Rain

_Better, (short for Rainbow?) but still no. Seriously, she has LIGHT powers!_

Bow

_Not bad. Go with that. Boa can be a nickname._

**Hair:** Feathered serpent. No hair? Feathers. Ones that can puff up.  
Inspiration: a multicolored Carnival headdress, but usually lays down more like hair. Puffs when excited, scared or angry.

Colors? Full rainbow?  
_No, bit much. Let’s go with pink, maybe with other warm colors?_

End: pink, orange and yellow feathers that can fluff up like a Carnival  
headdress. The largest portion is pink, with smaller layers of orange and yellow closer to the base.

 **Eyes:** multiple colors?

Rainbow?

_No, I’m not referring to her as the girl with kaleidoscope eyes (where is that from, anyway?)_

Gold?

_Not really part of her coloration_

Sky blue

_Ok???_

Eh.  
Maybe black

_Yeah, dark eyes. She can wear sky blue makeup. Note: Incorporate blue elsewhere in design to tie it together._

Skin: light green scales

_That was easy_

Yes. Light green with subtle blue spots down the sides of her tail, not really visible from the front.

**Body:**

Take from other OC character Death Rattler (see notes)?  
_No. Bow is older than Death Rattler. Start fresh._

thin slanted eyes, wide mouth, large canine teeth/fangs  
(Reminder: what type of snake am I basing her off of?  
Options: smooth green snake  
-could be reason to bring back gold eyes as an option?  
Emerald tree boa  
-cool snake, has kind of spot/stripes, though not blue. Underside of her tail could be yellow?  
Resolution: It’s hell. She can be a hybrid. She’s ALREADY a hybrid, right? Keeping dark eyes and blue eyeshadow)

Tail feathers? Plumage? See: Stolas  
Could be long tail feathers like train of a gown  
Same as hair?  
_Do something unique. Don’t be basic._

Reminder: Carnival design for hair  
Feathered...skirt?  
...  
puffy feathers around hips. Short, open in front (starts under navel area and Vs out), puffy and a LITTLE longer in back, but barely noticeable. Can fluff out, but already puffy. Primarily pink, but also smaller layer of orange and yellow.

Long snake tail, see above re: pattern  
_duh_

 **Powers:** Light powers. Rainbow lights. Mental aspect?  
Mood altering light powers. Can use in her work to pump up a crowd and make people happy/excited. Calm?  
Weaponized?  
Can also cause extreme pain, confusion, unconsciousness.  
Can solidify  
_Don’t rip off Green Lantern. Ditch that last part_  
Can solidify into a powerful laser blast  
_Great...you’re ripping off Iron-Man_  
Can solidify light into blasts but...takes too much energy to really use?  
_Fine_  
Flight?  
_Undecided. When would she need it, anyway?_

 **Personality and bio:**  
First: A born performer, Bow loves a good party, and her ability to manipulate lights makes her a well-paid favorite in many of Hell’s top clubs. She has excellent business skills and is secretly pretty rich, and tends to get along with many different people.  
_Boooooo! Could you BE any more of a Mary Sue?!_  
Edit: She performs in multiple places, but runs her own club (name tbd)  
-Very work-oriented and loves club. Super popular but work schedule makes having close friends tough. Angel met her...  
...  
...  
Because he was at her club, when [redacted]  
_Save that, nice idea though_  
Crappy relationship history. Long line of crappy exes.  
_Can’t be easy to date when you have snake tail_  
Like Angel, can be easily romanced when somebody seems sincere, but violent when people turn out to be using her.  
Add to Powers: Powerful snake jaws  
Bio?  
Died...in Hell for less than 15yrs. Pick exact amount later.  
Worked in Miami. Flesh out more later. Not necessary yet.

Based off rejected OCs (see files if needed for detail):  
Canary (bird demon working for Stolas. Failed because didn’t merit own story based off little amount of details)  
Death Rattler (Not in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom as much these days)  
See: Killer Croc OCs (DC files)  
Willow (Helluva files). Rejected in favor of [redacted]. Idea of light manipulation from her.

Side notes:  
Friends with?  
Angel. Confirmed.

Cherri? Nah. Maybe a little through Angel, but not as close as either are to Angel.

Alastor?

_Nope. But she IS powerful...future meeting?_

Vaggie?

_Not unless you can think of how that would work. Don’t push if it isn’t working._

**Plot basics:**  
[redacted]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put out the rough notes so you could see more of the process of how Bow came to be.
> 
> Feel free to ask anything about Bow, any of the story’s other original characters, or basically anything relating to the story.


	38. I Scream Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious and Angel make it to the park. Pentious immediately tries to make it OUT of the park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the delay. Things have been crazy lately.

“Will you STOP squirming?!”

“I can’t do thiss! Let me go, Angel!” Angel groaned, straining against the snake demon’s escape attempt.

Things had been going so well until they’d arrived at the park.

The inventor had loved his new robe thing (“it’ss a morning coat, you uncultured sswine!” “Don’t bring Fat Nuggets into this, you pretentious douche-nozzle!”), and he’d been calm enough on the walk from the Hotel.

Pentious went limp, forcing the spider to bring out his third set of arms as his moron sank his hands into the ground, slowly clawing his way to freedom.

“I DIDN’T EVEN BRING FLOWERSS! WHAT KIND OF INCOMPETENT SSUITOR FORGETSS FLOWERSSS?!”

“Bow prefers chocolate!”

“Did you _bring_ chocolate?”

“N-“

“THEN SSHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

_Damn, when the fuck did he get so heavy!? Did he stress eat the Egg Bois again?_

“Look, I know we could’ve picked a better day-“

Thump!

The two demons fell over, Angel Dust somehow managing to keep his grip on the struggling genius as a long, serpentine tail thrashed wildly, tearing through the top of a nearby bush.

“Better day!? BETTER DAY?! You picked the WORSST POSSSSIBLE DAY!”

“Hey, I didn’t hear you complaining when I made the call!”

Privately, Angel had to admit that Pentious had a point. Yeah, the park looked great today, all manner of thorny and/or poisonous plants in full bloom as swarms of happy demons frolicked through the greenery.

Swarms of happy, loving couples, to be exact.

Because apparently they’d both forgotten that early spring in Pentagram City Park was almost exclusively a time for Hell’s sappiest couples to show off their precious, perfect relationships, complete with hand holding, spoon feeding, and all that romantic shit you shouldn’t see outside the Thrallmark Channel.

Not exactly a good place for a casual first-not-a-date, chaperoned or not.

The porn star looked up as a bull demon began to serenade his lover, an audience of cooing spectators former around them. Someone in the crowd began to play a guitar as the bull’s voice reached its crescendo.

_Ugh, so gross._

“Angel, I-I can’t do thiss. Jusst let me go. I’m ssure you and my-Misss Bow will have a lovely time without me.” Pentious looked down, shoulders slumping as the crowd cheered the bull on. “We can try again...later. When she - I mean, when everything calms down.”

_Not this again! I’m not your emotional support demon, jackass!_

“-never take me sseriousssly-“

_Shit, fine! But this better be the LAST TIME I have to break out the kid gloves for you!_

“Will you quit it!” Angel snapped, jostling the other male’s shoulder roughly. “We can’t do this ‘oh, poor me, I’m a spindly little noodle over my head’ shit every time you have a chance with Bow!”

“But I-“

“I’m talking here! Yeah, you’re a weird Victorian era dipshit and you’d probably be loads better at turf wars if you learned how to take a victory without running your stupid, super shrill mouth-“

“Iss thiss you trying to give me a _pep talk_?!”

“-BUT,” mismatched eyes glared down at the scientist, willing him to listen for once and actually _understand_ what he was trying to say, “you’re a decent guy under all that other shit. You’re smart, you’re resourceful as fuck, you beat up a fucking Overlord then trapped him in a goddamn elevator - like that’s a thing people can actually do!”

“...it was rather impresssive, wassn’t it?”

“You’re damn right it’s impressive, and you pull off crazy shit like that all the time. No clue how you’ve lived this long, but you have, and you’ve done way too much to get Feathers to walk away without a fight! She’s awesome, and you’re pretty okay, and you ALREADY got her to like you when you talked to her at Charlie’s party, so why are you so freaked out now?”

“There are coupless everywhere!”

“They’re not _everywhere_ ,” a pair of rabbit demons skipped by, nearly treading on Angel’s feet as they stared into each other’s eyes. “Actually, yeah, there are, but so what? It’s a date, but Bow doesn’t know that, right? We just say we picked the day at random and didn’t think about the couples. She’ll probably think it’s funny.”

“I ssuposse.”

“So we just take a loop around the park and then grab a longer lunch at _Medici’s_ , get to talking about her and about you, just like we planned.”

Angel got to his feet, making room for his idiot to stand. He reached out and brushed a patch of dirt off the elbow of his morning coat. The Victorian took a few deep breaths, posture relaxing as he took a moment to bask in the warmth and light.

“You good now?”

“Yesss, I’m good. Angel?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“Whatever.”

_Don’t make this weird, Pen. I’m wearing mascara._

“I re-“

“Angel! Over here!”

Another thing he loved about his girl buddy: she had the BEST timing.

“Fuck, yes! HEY, C’MON OVER!”

_One of these days, Babe, I’m gonna buy you a big ass bottle of your favorite hooch and this’ll be the reason why._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting tired of Pentious always having sad feels every time he has a shot with Bow, so Angel’s pep talk better stick with him this time!


	39. Garden of Needin (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow has arrived for their not-a-date. Pentious is a spaghetti in love.
> 
> Angel dodges a bullet and manages to give his moron a shot.

“Looking good, Toots! New sweater?”

_I can do this. Angel’s right, the setting is only awkward if we make it a big deal. Play it cool, Pentious._

“Yeah, half off becausse the sseller wass a regular at the Rainbow Room. Nicce guy.” His lovely Boa twisted around to show off the soft looking material of her new top. She almost never dressed so casually, and he took a moment to appreciate the difference.

Of course she was a beauty beyond compare decked out in sequins, gems and those metallic fabrics he didn’t know the name of, but something about the serpent dressing for comfort for once...no jewelry, feathered hair barely puffed and just the lightest tint of her preferred eyeshadow above those hypnotic eyes...

She looked so warm.

So... _inviting_.

It wasn’t an invitation he’d turn down if given the choice.

“-to check it out. Hey, you remember Pentious, right?” A hand encircled his arm in a crushing grip, dragging him closer as Angel began their re-introduction.

_Just as we planned. Stick to the script and you’ll be fine._

“I do, though we didn’t have much time to talk. It’ss great to ssee you again.” She reached out a light green hand and he took it in his own. He wanted to kiss the back, to press his lips to the small, smooth scales that made up his beloved’s skin.

But it wasn’t the right time for that.

Tightening his hold just a little, the snake demon shook her hand, a small smile on his face as he fought the urge to pull her closer.

“A pleassure to ssee you again asss well, Misss Bow. Any friend of Angel’ss iss welcome company.”

Behind her, Angel shot him a thumbs up and then circled the hand twice.

Right, next step. 

Releasing her slender hand with some reluctance, the inventor moved to the side, allowing the spider back into the group. Angel wrapped his arm around Bow’s shoulders. 

“It’s kinda crowded today, so I figured we’d take a loop and then catch up more over lunch.”

“Ssoundss fine to me. I love the park, but it’ss a little...” the demoness gestured over to a group of teens on a large picnic blanket. All paired off, the couples were feeding each other, whispering in each other’s ears, or kissing. “Well, it’ss definitely sspring. I get that they’re happy, but it issn’t the besst ssetting when you’re ssingle.”

_I can fix that at once if you will allow it, my darling._

“Yeah, they’re fucking gross. Pen and I were just talking about it before you got here. We forgot how sappy everyone was gonna be - like, save that gooey romance shit for your own home. No one needs to see those angst-ridden, pimple faced morons going at it.”

“Look who’ss talking,” Bow teased, leaning against Angel as the three moves farther into the park. “I didn’t need to ssee what you and Cody were doing in the ssupply closset either, but ssometimess the urge sstrikess when you leasst expect it.”

“Damn straight, Feathers. How’s Cody doing with the club out of commission anyway?” Behind her back, Angel quirked a finger and Pentious slid closer as they moved under a vine covered archway.

“Not bad. I offered him a job helping me with the repair paperwork, but he’ss gone back to hiss drug lab until we’re ready to reopen. He can’t do much conssidering half of what he earnss goess into paymentss to the bigger dealerss. Want hiss number?”

The porn star moved his arm from her shoulders as they walked past a thin tree. The split caused Bow to move closer to Pentious.

The sleeve of her sweater brushed against the fabric of his morning coat.

Pentious wanted to burn the stupid thing for getting in the way of her arm touching his own, and resolved to do it immediately after returning to his airship.

“Nah, he’s okay in the sack, but not really a long-term kinda thing. But if he wants to send over a little angel dust-“

“Not gonna happen, Angie. He’ss sstill a little ssore becausse he ssayss you owe him for ssomething he have you lasst time you met, sso you’re gonna need to hassh that out with him on your own.”

_The last time they met? Wasn’t that-_

“Wha- oh, right! Hey, check THIS out guys!” Sprinting over to a patch of purple flowers, Angel gestured for the reptilian demons to look closer.

Following his Boa’s lead, Pentious examined the plant.

“It’ss very...purple.” He concluded, wondering why his acquaintance had made such a point of having them see the flowers.

Beside him, dark eyes lit up with delight.

“Wolfssbane! Angel, you remembered!” Bow grinned as she bent down, hair and hip plumage rustling happily as she ran a finger carefully over the toxic bloom.

“ _Her favorite uncle used to grow them_ ,” the spider whispered while the performer looked closer, “ _did some big research with poisonous plants and he’d get her to help out when she visited. She’s not super into flowers, but she likes those ones a lot if you ever wanna bring her some._ ”

_I’ll have Numbers 5-15 start researching gardening techniques. An indoor garden on the ship can’t be too hard._

Standing up, Bow brushed a bit of dirt off her hands. A solitary purple flower stood out proudly against pink feathers.

“Thankss for pointing them out. I never ssee oness thiss nicce in the sstoress.”

“No prob, Feathers. You know, Victorians were pretty big into flowers back in the day. Had a whole language for them and everything. Maybe you can talk to Pen about that during lunch.”

“I heard about that!” Turning to face the gentleman, she gave him a shy, hopeful smile. “I’ve alwayss wondered about that, but it hassn’t been eassy finding bookss on the ssubject down here. I’d _love_ to talk more about it later if that’ss alright with you.”

_She said ‘love’ and looked right at me. Do it again._

“I - yess, of coursse. It _iss_ a fasscinating ssubject, one perfected during my time on Earth. Quite a few of my own relativess ussed flowers to make a sstatement, to great ssuccesss.”

That was true. He could vaguely remember his mother sending hate bouquets to his father’s mistresses during the holidays.

It WAS a very impressive, very devious form of communication.

Very traditional, as befitted a higher class household.

...and he couldn’t remember a single detail of it to save his afterlife.

Ah well.

That was a problem for lunchtime.

And she looked so wonderful smiling at him, eyes shining with happiness at the thought of information only _he_ could provide her.

Come Hell or high water, he’d answer any question she asked.

He was a genius after all, how hard could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t resist Pentious almost finding out that Angel and Cody drugged him!
> 
> Still haven’t decided if he will...
> 
> Ah, Pentious, nothing is “too hard” when it comes to someone you love!
> 
> Angel: That’s what she said!


	40. Garden of Needin (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious tries to remember what he knows about flowers. Short answer: not a damn thing.
> 
> Theorizing ensues. It isn’t his best work.

How hard could it be?

Very. 

It could be very, very hard to learn a language by guesswork alone.

Moving along the shaded pathway with Angel and his darling Boa, Pentious wracked his brain for any lingering memories of what certain flowers were supposed to mean.

He was a genius, he could reason this out if he tried.

Floriography. The language of flowers. An ancient art of sending covert or _overt_ messages through individual stems or more complicated arrangements, made popular during his time on Earth.

It was communication. Language. Not his area of expertise, but simple enough. Most words had roots, reasons why they meant what they did.

If flowers were like words, they would have some reason to their meanings as well. 

“Careful,” Bow pushed a dangling branch out of his way, shooting him a quick smile before resuming her conversation with the taller demon to her right.

_So considerate._

_So sweet._

_Just like a...?_

He had nothing.

_Okay, start small. What did mother use?_

That...wouldn’t be easy. His mother had been an intelligent woman, proud of their social standing and determined to succeed at any challenge she came across. More often than not, she had, with time and energy to spare.

She’d also been an emotionally distant, overly critical harpy who had never appreciated his passion for the sciences over politics.

But she _did_ use flowers, and he’d seen a few of her arrangements before he’d left the estate for good at nineteen.

There were...yellow, ruffled flowers. And different yellow ones, with many small petals. There had been others, but those two featured prominently more often than not.

Did yellow mean something? If so, it wouldn’t be anything good. Not with the way she used them.

The opposite of yellow is purple, the same color as the wolfsbane resting among his love’s feathered hair.

Perhaps cool colors had more welcoming symbolism than warm colors? But then what about red roses? They meant love, didn’t they? Then again, he had heard a story years ago about the splendor of blue roses...were those even real or an odd marketing scheme?

Anyway, cool colors.

Blue, green, and purple.

_Maybe if-_

“-don’t ya think, Scales?” 

_Shit! Was that a cue?!_

“I, um, well...” The inventor winced as the porn star narrowed his eyes, clearly not appreciating that he’d allowed himself to become distracted.

Pentious had a feeling he would be paying for that later.

“Relax, Angel, it’ss a nicce day. He wassn’t ignoring you.” The demoness knocked her elbow playfully against the spider’s side, distracting him from his growing death glare. 

Turning to face her fellow snake, Bow asked “Did you want to rissk going through the rosse maze or sshould we head to lunch now? Angie and I can’t deccide.”

He blinked, finally noticing their surroundings. They were back by the picnicking teens. How long had he been thinking about flowers?

“I...issn’t the rosse maze part of Misss Thorne’ss property?” Rosa Thorne, though not interested in acquiring extra territory or the status of Overlord, was fiercely protective of what lands she did possess.

Why she would set up a maze in the middle of the city, he didn’t know, but he wasn’t looking to tempt fate when there was so much riding on the day going well.

“Yess, but Rossa and I go way back. Sshe’ss actually very ssweet when you get to know her, and I have the way to the ccenter of the maze memorized, sso we would be ssafe enough.”

_She once trapped half a demonic legion in her vines, adding their rotting corpses to the vegetation surrounding her property. That was sixty years ago, and they’re still there._

He wasn’t even surprised that she was friends with the self-proclaimed Rose Queen. He also didn’t plan on asking _how_ she’d managed to charm the notoriously reclusive and aggressive demoness.

He wasn’t sure his blood pressure could take it.

But if it made her happy...and surely Miss Thorne wouldn’t be keeping watch _today_ of all days? She’d probably be too busy photosynthesizing, and she couldn’t be worse than what he’d already faced with the Porn-Lord...

“I love you, Bow, but Thorny liking _you_ doesn’t mean we won’t get kabobed if she hears you had company. Besides, I got reservations, and you know they’re kinda uptight about people being on time.” Angel said, directing his friend away from the maze. 

“You’re right, of coursse. We can head out.”

_Oh, thank God. I’m going to live._

“Great, and Pen can tell you all about that flower stuff after we order.”

_I’m going to die, and I’m taking you with me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might touch up this chapter later. Not sure...
> 
> Flowers have a LOT of meanings, and Pentious was wildly off on his theories, although there was some reason to his madness. Yellow carnations and yellow chrysanthemums do have some less than wonderful connotations when used correctly...
> 
> CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME ART FROM GHOSTLYPANDA!  
> https://ghostlypanda.tumblr.com/image/613089106011029504


	41. Love in the Time of Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow loves Italian food. Pentious loves Bow loving Italian food.
> 
> Now if only his nerves don’t trip him up.

_Medici’s_ was a cute little restaurant.

Homey.

Judging from the smells wafting out the front door, he could see why Bow and Angel favored it.

Pentious supposed it would be a nice enough place to die from embarrassment when his Boa asked about flowers and he told her that “ _well, yellow probably means bad, because Mother was a vindictive bitch with a reliable florist, so maybe purple is good?_ “

_Of all the ways I could lose Miss Bow’s affections, I never thought it would come down to a goddamn color wheel._

“Damn, that’s the stuff!” Angel said, tipping his head as the scent of fresh marinara and basil wrapped around them. “You gettin your usual, Bowie?”

Beside him, Bow grinned, feathers ruffling happily as she watched the other diners through the window.

“Maybe, but I’m going to need to ssee what the sspeccialss are. Our Mauricce doess hiss besst work in the sspring - all the fressh producce being available again, you know?”

Not for the first time, the Victorian remembered that the two had been friends for years. Perhaps they didn’t see each other as much as they’d like, between her hectic work schedule and Angel’s combined studio time and commitment to helping Cherri (ruin _his_ day) with turf wars, but they had a lot of history together.

If he didn’t play his cards right, he might become a third wheel on his first date with Bow.

The snake demon straightened as the serpentine beauty turned her attention his way, the light hitting her feathers making them glow like an angelic halo around her face.

_But what angel could compare?_

“Angie ssayss you’ve never been. I hope you’re ready to try the _greatessst_ Italian food thiss sside of Earth.” 

The way she hissed the word ‘greatest’...that look in her eyes...

Oh, he already loved _Medici’s_. He’d protect it with his life. He’d finally join Squeal just to leave a good review.

“I’ll admit, it hass been a long time ssincce I’ve gone out to eat. I’m looking forward to trying Hell’ss greatesst Italian food. Sshall we?”

Angel shot him a thumbs up, lowering it quickly when Bow moved his way.

The blue markings down the sides of her tail glittered playfully as she turned.

His Boa was a marvel, as beautiful as she was kind, as witty and elegant- DOOR!

_The door! I need to get the door for her! What kind of man makes his intended get her own door?! SHIT!_

Shooting past the pale arachnid with enough force to have him grabbing a sign post to stay upright, Pentious grabbed the handle, nearly knocking Bow’s hand away in his haste.

Black eyes stared in alarm, and the inventor felt his heart sink. God, what sort of fool must he look like, barging up to the door like a madman? He’d nearly slapped her hand trying to get to the handle before her!

(A few feet away, Angel choked down a mouthful of spider venom. Instincts were a real bitch, but he wasn’t gonna attack the dumbass. Not yet, anyway.)

“I...um, after you?”

“Oh...thank you.” Apparently deciding to let his odd behavior go, the demoness slithered into the restaurant.

_That was too close! Do better, you nitwit!_

Pentious made to follow his beloved when a tall, white figure stomped by, heeled boots nearly taking out the end of his tail.

“And now after _me _, you jerk.”__

_Oops. Note to self: offer to pay for the wine._

__Following Angel, Pentious stood next to the quietly fuming porn star while Bow checked in, chatting briefly with the host before they were led to a small table with an excellent view of the easternmost corner of the park._ _

__He felt a bit bad that he hadn’t gotten her chair, but after the doorway debacle he was willing to let his manners slid a bit for the sake of a return to normalcy._ _

__“Sso, Pentiouss,” His Boa looked up from the piece of bread she was dunking into a small plate of garlic infused olive oil, “what age do you think you were when you first sstarted learning about flowersss?”_ _

_This age minus about 45 minutes._

__“I-“_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry for the delay. Rushing to finalize some things for a relative’s birthday.
> 
> THERE IS MORE ART! IT’S HERE AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL!
> 
> https://ghostlypanda.tumblr.com/image/613243999962251264
> 
> Thank you again!


	42. Spring Forward, Fall Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow reunites with some old friends. Pentious hates flowers.

“I-“

“Angelo! Bow! Benvenuti, amici miei!” A loud voice boomed, nearly sending Pentious out of his chair as a large shadow loomed across the table.

“Mauricce!” Abandoning her bread, Bow slithered around the table, allowing herself to be drawn into a tight hug by the hulking rooster demon beaming down at her.

The inventor twitched as his Boa was twirled around and around by the ridiculous looking chicken. Honestly, had proper decorum gone completely out the window? This...Maurice shouldn’t be touching his customers like that.

It was rude.

Disrespectful.

And his hat was _stupid_.

_I’m sure between the two of us, Angel and I can rescue Miss Bow from that brutish man’s hold without too much damage to the restaurant._

“Maury, how’s Hell’s hottest chef doing? Still looking for Mister Right or are you finally gonna give me a chance?” The spider’s gold tooth flashed as he joined the hug, snuggling into the larger male’s side while Bow looked on in amusement.

Well.

On second thought, the hat actually went rather well with his apron, and who was _he_ to get in the way of a few old friends catching up?

Pentious stood as the trio separated, making sure to smile as the rooster turned his way.

“Ah, you bring me another customer? Wonderful! Welcome to _Medici’s_ , Mister...?”

“Pentiouss,” he replied, “and you must be Mauricce. I’ve heard exccellent thingss about your cooking from Angel and Misss Bow.”

Maurice smiled, an impressive feat considering his beak, and grabbed the snake’s hand, giving it a firm shake.

“My best customers, those two! Where are my manners? Sit! Sit!” They sat. “Have you ordered drinks yet?”

“We were just looking over-“

“Perfetto! Let me bring you something on the house while you settle in. My little girl has been driving herself up the wall with the new seasonal drinks, but she’s done it with the latest batch! Delicious!”

His Boa perked up at that, eyes straying towards the kitchen as her hair puffed up, almost sending the nightshade bloom shooting across the room in her excitement.

“Luccy’ss in today? I thought sshe was sstill sstudying with Maria?”

“She’s back for the week while Maria does some updates on her kitchen. I’m sure she’d love to see you if I can steal you away from Angel and Mister Pentious for a moment!”

Bow glanced over at her dining companions, mouth opening to speak.

“Go for it, Feathers,” Angel interrupted, leaning back into his chair, “Scale-Face and I’ll keep each other entertained for a bit. Right, Pen?”

_This is our...no, wait, this could be JUST what I need! Bless you, Maurice!_

“Of coursse.”

“Thankss, guysss, I’ll be back soon. Angie, pawss off my bread!”

“Yeah, yeah, Fluffball. Tell Luce I said hi.”

“Can do!” And with that, the demoness disappeared into the kitchen, followed by a cheerful clucking chef.

They both waited a moment to make sure she was out of earshot, before Angel decided to break the silence.

“Alright, you oblivious asshole-“

“I don’t know anything about flowerss!”

“-can’t just - wait, what the fuck?!” Angel dropped his bread (that looked suspiciously like Bow’s bread), anger retreating as he tried to process the snake’s words.

“Y-you don’t know _anything_ about flower stuff? You told her you’d talk about it over lunch!”

“No, YOU ssaid I would talk about it!”

“And you agreed! What the Hell are you gonna tell her when she gets back and starts asking about daisies or ponies-“

“I think they are called peonies...”

“See? You know some stuff!” Angel pointed a finger his way, triumphant.

Pentious felt a headache beginning to build. It was a common enough occurrence around this particular ally of his.

“Knowing that poniess are more closely related to horssess than to daissiess doess not make me an expert. Why in the world would you tell her I know flower meanings?!”

“Hey, it’s Victorian!”

“Jusst becausse it wass popular doessn’t mean I learned about it! That overly romanticcized drivel wass beneath my noticce _then_ , and it iss beneath my noticce _now_.”

“Well, you’re gonna need to tell her you lied, then, and you’d better do it quick! Shit like then might not be too bad at the start, but the longer you lie to someone you care about, the worse a lie it becomes and the crazier you go trying to keep it from gettin out.”

Pentious forced his hands not to clench as Angel turned his attention back to his (definitely Bow’s) bread, shoving the entire piece into his mouth with a groan of contentment. 

_You have no idea._

Was that a sign? He didn’t have the picture on him at the moment, but he and Angel _were_ alone. This could be a good enough time to confess his unwilling theft.

But...his Boa was so close, and Angel was still upset over that little mishap with the door.

_After. No need to ruin lunch. I’ll talk to him later._

Taking his own slice of the still warm bread and dipping it carefully into the oil, Pentious decided to focus on the matter at hand.

“Where do we go from here? Misss Bow will be back any minute, and sshe’ss expecting me to lead the converssation.”

Angel looked over at the kitchen door, rolling his shoulders back with a pop.

“You just leave that to me, Scales. I’ve got something that’ll make her forget all about flower talk.”

If something about that failed to be reassuring, he ignored it. Anything was better than flowers.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the possibly incorrect (Google) Italian. Pentious needed time to think and Maurice wanted to drop in on his favorite customers.
> 
> Not loving the structure of this one. Don’t be surprised if I make a few edits.


	43. Spaghetti Bow’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOW POV HAS ARRIVED! And so has the Amazing Meth Chicken (aka Lucy)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because we all have a lot of questions about what’s going through Bow’s fluffy head.

“Come along, Piccola Serpente! My Lucia will be so happy to see you!”

Bow nodded and smiled, not even trying to slither along as the excited chef dragged her towards the kitchen.

Only a small part of her tail was actually touching the ground. She’d definitely mind being carried around like a rag doll if it was anyone else, but...Maurice was Maurice, boundless enthusiasm and all.

She kind of liked that about him.

And also his bolognese. 

She’d liked his bolognese _first_ , but time and a few dozen conversations about their shared love of all things food had more than endeared him to her, unnecessary lifting included.

Hence the dragging. And not the biting.

Even if the scent of fresh chicken pressed into the side of her body made her snake instincts act up just a bit.

Maurice pushed through the kitchen door with a flourish, thrusting her forward with a joyful crow.

“Luuuciiiaaaaa! Look who’s here to see you!”

“BOW!”

“Hey, Lu-eck!” The performer fell back as a feathery blur crashed into her with all the force of a semi-truck, sending her toppling back into Maurice’s waiting arms.

Arms that locked around her and the smaller demoness in a tight bear hug. 

_Ow. Damn those talons of hers._

“Bow! It’s so awesome to see you! How are you doing? Is the Rainbow Room open again? This isn’t your usual lunch time. Are you herealone?Whydidn’tyoucallfirst?I’dtotallysaveyoutheChef’sTableevenifthat’susuallyonlyopenduringdinnerhours.Wowyourscalesaresofttoday!Didyoushedrecently?SHIT!Isthatarudequestion?Ididn’tmeanitinabadway.Youalsosmellreallyniceand-“

“Luccy, it’ss great to ssee you, too, but maybe-“

“Isthatjasmine?Ialwayspicturedyouasmoreofagreenapplekindofgirlforshampoo.Maybecoconutormango-“

“-really think I’m losing ccirculation in my armss-“

“-andIwaslike’nochanceyouasshole.Bringyourowncutlerymyplumpyellowass!‘“ Lucy finished with a proud smile, finally unwinding her arms from their death grip around her friend as her father set the pair down gently, giving one last affectionate ruffle of their feathered hair before he walked away, giving them some privacy.

Bow decided to take a minute before speaking, focusing on calming her breathing and stretching her shoulders out before responding to the hyperactive chick.

Lucy, more or less self-aware (she knew she could be a lot and didn’t give a crap about anyone’s opinion on her behaviors), gave her all of ten seconds before starting up again.

“I can’t believe you’re here! It’s been soooo long since we’ve been able to hang out. Mom’s a total slave driver, you know? It’s all ‘Lucia, I said _SPRINKLE_ the salt! You shake it like a fottuto idiota!’ and ‘You spill that balsamic and you sleep in the yard tonight!’”

Bow had only met Maria twice, but she could _absolutely_ believe Lucy was quoting from memory there.

Maurice’s ex-wife was a scary, scary woman.

It was a little bit inspirational.

“Yeah, thingss with the Room have been crazy, but I sshould have called more. I’m actually with Angel and a friend of hisss, sso I’ll need to get back in a few, but I have ssome time tonight if you want to come over to my placce. We can have a ssleepover!”

Pink feathers fluffed out at the prospect at the same time Lucia’s light orange _hair_ shot straight up, green eyes going wide as the teen processed her words.

“YES! Fuck, yeah! This’ll be sososofun!I’llbringsomemovies!”

“Ssoundss like a plan. Want me to tell Angel anything?”

The reptile was expecting a long, blurred speech about how Angel should count himself lucky that he’d finally paid her back and about how _sad_ it was that he couldn’t make her and Bow’s GIRLS ONLY sleepover, because those two had an...interesting relationship, to say the least.

She wasn’t expecting the young chicken demoness to stop moving entirely.

Lucy _never_ stopped moving. Bow assumed the girl ran on pure excitement all the time.

Or meth.

“Angel? Angel Dust is here?”

Bow frowned, unused to her friend speaking so carefully.

“Yess, Angel Dusst. Tall, fluffy hooker. Friend of mine. You know him. Great ssmile, alwayss hitting on your father?”

Without a word, Lucy turned, heading for the small desk crammed in the corner of the kitchen, muscles and fingers clenched tightly.

_Something’s wrong._

“Luccy, what’ss going on? Are you mad at Angel? If he owess you again, I think Cody iss firsst in line.”

Opening a drawer, the trainee chef grabbed a rolled up stack of paper, shoving it into Bow’s arms with a cautious look on her face.

Talons tapped nervously against the floor.

“Lucce-“

“Bow, don’t go back just yet. You’re gonna want to read this first. It-it’s a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maria wants you to leave comments. Or else.


	44. Liquid Courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel and Pentious know things Bow doesn’t, Angel knows things Pentious doesn’t, Pentious knows things Angel doesn’t, and now Bow knows things Angel and Pentious don’t.
> 
> Alcohol gets involved.

“So, when you go to talk about flowers, you just pull the string and watch the magic happen. Got it?”

Pentious eyed the string wrapped around his left palm, the silky cord disappearing underneath the table, attached to a dark pouch Angel had stuck there with a bit of his natural webbing.

“I undersstand well enough, but...what exactly iss in that bag?”

Angel shrugged, “Just some stuff I got off Cherri a while back. Don’t worry about it.”

The inventor worried about it. He worried about it _a lot_.

He also didn’t like that the spider had angled his and Bow’s chairs farther away from his own.

But the alternative...

“Fine. When do-“

“Shut it! She’s coming!”

The pair tensed as the serpentine demoness slithered back through the kitchen door, a large pitcher held carefully in her arms.

_God, this is it. I’m actually going to yank on something Angel got from Cherri BOMB to avoid talking about daisies. How is this my life?_

“Hey, look what I brought!” His Boa smiled brightly as she reached the table, the dark red contents sloshing as she began to pour it out into their waiting glasses.

“Looks good, Feather-Head. How’s Lucy Goosey? Still a pain in the ass?”

“Well, sshe sstill hatess that little pet name of yourss, but not much beyond that. We might hang out tonight. Thiss iss her newesst creation, and sshe wantss a full report later on.”

“Awesome!” Angel grabbed his glass and took a sip. He paused, swishing it around in his mouth before swallowing and then immediately took a larger gulp. A thin trail of red slid down the fur beneath his mouth.

“Pen, you’ve got to try this!”

The Victorian stared down into the mysterious liquid, allowing his tongue to dart out briefly, scenting the air.

It was very...sweet. Fruity, although he couldn’t pinpoint what fruits were in the mix.

Unusually dark for a springtime drink.

Still, it seemed harmless enough, and Angel liked it.

“I had a bit back in the kitchen,” his Boa whispered while the porn star threw back his second cup. “It’ss very good.”

She raised her own glass, eyes falling closed as she took a sip, a small, contented hum escaping as the juice concoction slid down her throat.

Pentious gulped.

“Aren’t you thirssty?” The smallest drop of the drink remained on her lower lip, staining the smooth scales with a rosy hue.

If he wasn’t before, he was now.

“ _Yesssss_ \- I mean, drinking! Yess! I’ll just...”

Picking up the glass so quickly he nearly threw it in his own face, the genius took a breath as Bow turned her attention back to Angel, engaging him in conversation about Maurice’s daughter and something about money owed.

He tried a bit.

Cold, sweet, but still so complex...such depth of flavor. Sweetness gave way to a hint of some strange spice. He’d never had anything quite like it, but it _was_ excellent.

Bow laughed, head falling back as Angel mimed something out.

_Delicious._

The Victorian barely noticed as the rooster chef returned to take their order, though he was fairly sure one of the others had ordered for him. The three talked and laughed, clinking their glasses between stories. Bow shot him a playful smirk as she carefully pilfered the rest of the bread from under Angel’s nose.

He didn’t even notice when his left hand slid out from under the table, the string sliding to the ground as the performer gave a passionate explanation of why her insurance agent now walked with a limp.

A beam of natural light came through the window, striking the pitcher and turning the table a deep, bloody red.

And they laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!
> 
> Bow’s demon form is a snake for a reason. She might not know the full story, but now that she knows SOMETHING is going on, she’ll do what it takes to uncover more.
> 
> Things are going to get very real very soon.


	45. Takeout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mistakes were made. Specifically, mistakes were made when Bow asked Lucy for help without specifying just how much help she actually wanted.

“An-an’ then the glitter bomb went off in her _FACE_!” Angel banged a fist on the table as he laughed, nearly sending the rest of his fettuccine toppling off the table.

“And Cherri sstill doessn’t know it wass you?” Bow tried to imagine the cyclops getting a face full of glitter.

_Priceless._

“Nope! Cher thought it was that creepy rat girl. Y’know, the Hellborn who’s starting to get more screen time on 666? Hot and nuts but mostly nuts.”

“You blamed the Rat Princcesss? You sssure that’ss a good idea?” The porn star wasn’t offended by the doubt in her voice. It _had_ been pretty fucking stupid, but the rat’d been the first person to pop into his head when Cherri started demanding answers, and it wasn’t like the anarchist was crazy enough to start shit with a minor royal. Not after he’d helped her wash the glitter out of her hair, anyway.

Angel shrugged. “Eh, she hasn’t done anything about it yet and it’s been a few months. I’m probably in the clear. What do you think, Pen?”

“M’fff.”

The spider and serpent turned to the Victorian, who was leaning against the table, hat askew. His eyes were half closed, his expression happy but dazed.

Angel couldn’t believe it.

_Fuck, he’s drunk! How the Hell is he drunk?! That stuff was mostly fruit juice!_

The arachnid shot a look over at Bow, who was staring at Pentious with an expression of concern. As he watched, she slowly moved his plate back, saving his sleeve from soaking up more of the wine sauce than it already had.

Inwardly, he relaxed a bit as his feathery girl buddy fretted over the inventor. He could still spin this if he acted fast.

First thing first, Scales couldn’t be the only one full on wasted. Angel was only a little buzzed, but she didn’t need to know that.

A little wine and some fruit chunks might as well be Hawaiian Punch to a seasoned professional like himself.

Or, like, root beer. Too weak to be much fun, but it tasted nice.

Was it getting warmer? Weird.

“Heh, tha’ss strong stuff,” slouching over, he put his acting skills to use. Bow couldn’t fault Pentious for getting drunk off lunchtime cocktails if they could take down someone with his kind of tolerance.

Plus, well...he actually _was_ getting kind of dizzy.

Fucking red stuff. That chicken was insane, but her cocktails were awesome. She should work for Bowie instead of spending all her time folding tortellini and whining about Maria being a hard-ass.

He’d have to remember to text her about it.

Tomorrow.

“-gie?Angie?!”

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey girl.” Were her hair feathers always so soft looking? He remembered they’d felt really nice the few times he’d helped style them, but they looked _really_ good today.

Oh.

_So soft. Pet pet pet._

“Wow, okay, no. Angel, remember our perssonal sspacce talk? Handss off the featherss!”

Cool, scaled fingers removed his hands from the brightly colored plumage. Angel groaned in disappointment, attempting to follow the fluff.

“Fluff, come back!”

“Ow!” Bow swatted the clingy spider away, inadvertently leaning into the other snake demon as she attempted to escape Angel’s grabby hands.

It was a testament to just how far gone Pentious was that he didn’t seem to notice. A droplet of venom landed on the tablecloth, hissing as it started to eat through the thin material.

As Lucy’s beverage (or potion, she wasn’t too sure about the specifics) started to really kick in, Bow began to panic a little. Yes, she needed her companions to let their guards down, but she hadn’t meant for _this_! The chick had assured her that the powdery mix she’d choked down in the kitchen would protect her from the full effect of the herbs mixed into the drink, but still...her friend had seriously downplayed the results.

How was she going to get answers now?

Better question: what was she supposed to DO with them now? She couldn’t just let the two go out on their own like this in the middle of the Pentagram. 

They’d be lucky if they only woke up with missing kidneys, and Hell help them if anyone knew they-

No. 

She’d messed this up by taking Lucy up on her offer to spike their drinks, which made them her responsibility. Angel was way too high profile to be alone in this state, and his handsome friend was no better off if he was recognized by the wrong people.

The performer stiffened as she felt a face nuzzling into her shoulder blades, the moment of distraction giving Angel another chance at her feathers.

This was bad.

But nothing she couldn’t work with. Difficult moments were opportunities in disguise, as her grandmother used to say.

Her grandmother had been talking about boat insurance, but it probably applied here just as well.

She needed to get them somewhere a safer before she could work on anything else. Lucy would let them out through the back without a fuss, and she might have some advice on what to expect.

And as for a safe space...she knew a place that could work.

“Um, guyss, I could usse a change of sscenery. How about we take thiss back to the Rainbow Room? It’s mosstly finisshed by now, and the lounge areass are really nicce. What do you think?”

“Fluffy.”

“Pretty Boa-Boa.”

Close enough to agreement. She’d take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bow isn’t perfect, but she’s trying to make up for things and do right by her friend...even though she hasn’t given up on getting answers.
> 
> Poor Pentious. She basically invited him back to her place and he can’t even enjoy it.


	46. The Odd Couple(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy’s red stuff continues to make Bow’s day a lot harder than it needed to be. A bit of honesty might just clear things up.
> 
> Or make it worse. 
> 
> Time will tell.

“Bow.”

The performer ignored Angel, focused on getting him and Sir Pentious down the street without attracting too much attention. An imp on the other side of the road raised his phone, but a glare and a flash of her fangs was enough to send him running. 

“Booooow. Bow. Bowie.”

To her right, the snake demon hummed in contentment, glued to her side, cheek resting against her head.

She hadn’t expected the Victorian to be such an affectionate drunk. It was... _interesting_ having someone hold onto her like that, instead of dragging her around like Angel, carrying her like Maurice or tackling her like Lucy.

It, well, it wasn’t bad.

But it also _was_.

Shaking her head, Bow dislodged the clingy reptile, who pouted but accepted the small amount of distance. Their linked arms were enough to keep him from wandering off, so she shouldn’t have let him cuddle her like that in the first place.

“Booow.”

_He’s drunk and drugged senseless. It isn’t okay to take advantage just because you’re lonely._

“Booooooow! Bow-Bow-Bow-Bow-Rain-Bow-A!”

“What?!”

“tss really good you’re here. Miss you lots s’metimes, know?” Angel looked down at her, face shockingly unguarded. “Ss hard, ‘tween work an’ partying and turf thingies, plus shit with Val...s’too much.”

_Oh, Angel._

“Don’ mean ta cause you trouble, honest. Love ya, Feathers. Don’t wanna lose you.” Falling silent, the taller demon slumped against her, feet barely supporting his weight.

Bow was touched by the show of trust, and felt like crap for it. Yes, it was beyond nice to have her friend open up and tell her how much he appreciated their relationship, but she didn’t deserve to feel good about that when he was only saying those things because of Lucy’s drug-laced cocktail.

The one _she_ had given him, because those papers had freaked her out, because she’d been terrified by the danger to her Angel and had gone way too far in getting answers.

“You’re no trouble to me, Ange. You’re-you’re one of my besst friendss. I love you, and I promisse I’m going to make thisss up to you.”

“M’kay.”

“I love you, too,” Pentious mumbled.

Bow blinked, then turned to stare at the inventor, who was looking their way with a sleepy, loving smile, arm tightening around hers as they entered into a dark alleyway.

Oh.

Well.

There was a lot to unpack there. Not really what she’d expected when Angel had called to invite her to lunch.

Luckily, the unpacking could wait for an hour or two, because there was a very familiar purple door coming up at the end of the alley.

“We’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The L word is on the field! I repeat: the L word is on the field!
> 
> Bow’s feeling awful about her (major) part in Pentious and Angel’s current state, but she’s gonna have a lot to take her mind off it really soon.
> 
> Hint: our favorite spider will make things better, but also way more confusing.
> 
> Happy Easter, if you celebrate it.


	47. Off the Menu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucy doesn’t have a lot of friends, but she does like Angel and Bow.
> 
> She just likes Bow more.
> 
> And friendship means not letting friends get hurt over a hopeless cause.

Lucy narrowed her eyes, hands aching as she rubbed fiercely at the gooey bottom of her best sautéing pan. That would be a solid _no_ for using harpy fat as a substitute for duck fat, though it wasn’t anywhere close to her worst culinary failure.

She still had nightmares about the manticore egg incident.

So many little scorpion tails...

Giving up for the moment, she dumped the pan back into the dishwater, letting the soap do its job while she disinfected the counters.

Cleaning was a pain in the ass, but she’d need to get it finished before heading over to Bow’s place, and she needed to talk some sense into the reptilian demoness ASAP; she had to get her away from Angel Dust and his new friend.

Spritzing the main island, Lucy let her thoughts drift to Hell’s number one porn star. It wasn’t that she _didn’t_ like Angel. She liked him a lot, even if they were more second or third tier friends than best buddies, but now...

_Now._

He wasn’t _safe_ to be around, especially not safe to be around people everyone knew he liked.

Like Bow.

The foxes were circling, and she’d be double damned if she let them get their fangs around her favorite snake.

_Not that I can do much to stop them._

Much as she wanted to be there for her friend, there was one thing standing in her way; the same thing that kept her in this side of the Pentagram and the same thing that meant almost a third of _Medici’s_ profits went to what the assholes in charge called “afterlife assurance.” Every. Goddamn. Week.

Power.

She didn’t have that, not in the way Bow did, and she’d be lying if she said it hadn’t been one of the first things she’d noticed about the owner of the Rainbow Room. Power was addictive down here, and her friend practically glowed with it. Sometimes literally.

But it wasn’t _enough_.

Bow wouldn’t abandon a loved one in need, but she _couldn’t_ save Angel Dust and Sir Pentious on her own, not from what was coming.

So Bow would either need help  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Or she’d need to be removed from the situation.

_Shit, that sounds awful._

Dropping the rag she’d been using and leaning against the freshly washed counter, Lucy tried to think.

What the Hell was she supposed to do?! She wasn’t strong enough to fight alongside the feathered serpent, and she didn’t want to hurt her in some half-baked plot, not like how she’d added a handful of something extra Bow didn’t know about to the pitcher before sending it off to the idiots outside.

She just needed...she needed...  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
She needed to make a call, and hope she didn’t get sent to voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUN!


	48. Breakfast in Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious wakes up to something he’s been wanting for a year.
> 
> Kinda.

Soft.  
.  
.  
.  
Warm.  
.  
.  
.  
_Sooo nice._

Eyes shut, Pentious took a moment to appreciate the glorious feeling of waking up to perfect comfort. His blankets had never felt so thick and luxurious, to say nothing of the fluffy pillow pressed to his cheek.

The Egg Bois had outdone themselves by choosing this new bed set.

Totally on reflex, the snake demon felt his cheek twitch at the thought of his near useless minions. His minions who’d been banned from a majority of department stores and boutiques after their last attempt at _surprising_ him.

They’d _never_ have done so well without his oversight, which could only mean...

_Oh, God, whose bed am I in?! Fuck!_

Forcing his body to remain still so as to not alert any guards or potential assassins, the inventor wracked his brain, trying to remember how he’d ended up in this glorious paradise of a bed.

There...wasn’t much.

He’d been with somebody, hadn’t he? Tall, white as milk, a little annoying.

Angel.

Yes, he’d been with Angel. They’d been somewhere green, and there had been sappy music, and someone else had been there. Green, and pink, and perfect, even when she wanted to know about flowers...his Boa!

He’d been with Angel and Bow because they’d had a casual non-date, walked through the park and then lunch.

_His Boa, with red tinged lips._

_Slithering through the streets, arm in arm, cuddling against each other as she led him into the Rainbow Room._

_Tumbling onto a lush, sumptuous bed, a smooth, hissing voice asking him what he needed...that wonderfully tart, citric smell delighting his senses as another body lowered itself onto the mattress..._

Beneath his cheek, the pillow quivered, moving up and down as it drew breath.

Pillows don’t breathe.

He could still smell lemons and oranges, feel the softness of that other Sinner in the bed.

Her bed.

He was in BOW’S bed! With Bow!

_God, Satan, eldritch horrors, possible sentient computer programs manipulating us all...thank you._

The chest under him rose and fell again, and Pentious didn’t need a mirror to know his face had to be flushed green all over.

Whatever he’d done right during their walk about town, his Boa had invited him into her bed. They’d spent the night together, and now...

...now, when he felt so warm, so light and giddy, all he wanted to do was hold her closer.

And he’d never been one to deny himself his greatest desires.

Shifting enough to encircle his darling serpent in his arms, Pentious pushed himself up, smiling as he felt her begin to move.

“Good morning, my _dearessst_.”

“Wha - Pen? DUDE, WHAT THE SHIT?!”

Reddened eyes shot open.

“ANGEL?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😂🤣😂 You all saw that coming, right? 
> 
> Nothing sexual happened between them, but I just couldn’t resist giving Scales the shock of his afterlife. HOW this happened will be explained soon enough.


	49. The Night Before (1/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the initial shock, Angel doesn’t seem too upset about waking up under Pentious. Sir Pentious would like to politely ask him ARE YOU INSANE?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 500 comments?! Thank you all so much 🥰

With a shriek, Pentious tumbled off the bed, hat flying as he scrambled away from the fluffy porn star.

The fluffy porn star he’d spent the night with.

In bed.

“Oh God. Oh God. Oh GOD!”

“You know, I actually hear that a lot.” 

“ _Sshut up!_ How did we - why would we-“

“Look, it’s not a big deal.” Angel stretched out, shoulders cracking as he rotated them. He didn’t seem bothered.

_He SHOULD be bothered! I’m bothered! This is a very bothering situation!_

“Not a big deal?! One moment I’m holding my Boa, the next I’m waking up with my facce presssed againsst your...OH GOD!”

“Yeah, plus you’re not wearing pants.”

“LORD ABOVE! My life iss...” the snake demon paused as his mind finished processing the spider’s words. “Sscrew you.”

Smirking, Angel got to his feet, brushing off his clothing. 

_All_ of his clothing. That he was still wearing.

A small spark of hope began to bloom.

“We didn’t...?”

“Bone? Nah, I’m pretty sure I’d feel it if we did, but you shoulda seen your face. Classic. Any chance you remember how we got into Bow’s Rainbow Room apartment?”

Looking around, the inventor took stock of the place he’d woken up in. A large bed with thick, dark blankets, pink and black striped walls, a door off to the side opening up to reveal a spacious bathroom with brand new appliances.

Bow’s secondary home, the one she used when she didn’t feel like returning to her usual residence after a long night of work.

He’d known she had one, of course, but he’d never _dared_ to enter it without her permission.

Which he...had now?

_Did he?_

“No.”

Tilting his head back, Angel breathed in, releasing a small moan as he caught a very familiar set of smells.

“Hmm, well, I think I know where to find her. C’mon, Scales, it’s breakfast time!”

_What?_

“Breakfasst? What are - GET BACK HERE AND ANSSWER ME, YOU GLUTTONOUSS IDIOT!”

“Caaan’t heaaaar youuuuuu!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More art from the extremely talented ghostlypanda! Thank you!  
> https://ghostlypanda.tumblr.com/post/616441633815298048/okay-so-the-latest-chapter-of-why-kidnapping


	50. The Night Before (2/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow makes breakfast. Pentious makes feelings happen. Angel makes things awkward.

Bow stared down at the eggs, spatula at the ready.

The eggs sizzled in the pan.

She knew it was silly to get so intense about breakfast, but...

Well, this breakfast had to be good.

Really good.

Sorry-For-Having-Lucy-Drug-You good.

After the headache that was sending Angel and Pentious off to bed, she’d had a lot of time to think and plan about how she’d handle the morning after. Telling them the truth was out until she got more information about _his_ interest in the situation, but the most important thing she could do now was to talk to her guests and help fill in the blanks as best as she could.

And Angel always loved her cooking.

“HEY FEATHERS!”

Right on time.

“In the kitchen!” She called, quickly moving the pan off the stove and gently piling them onto a large plate. Behind her, she heard the spider enter the kitchen. 

“Damn, that smells good.” Angel leaned over her shoulder, grinning down at the assortment of plates lined up along the counter.

Scrambled eggs.

Sausage.

Brioche French toast.

Fruit salad glazed with honey and lemon juice.

And, of course-

“Hash browns AND home fries!? Fuck, Bow, you’re really going all out today! Pen, get in here!” 

Leaving Angel with a plate and firm instructions to _leave ssome for the resst of uss, you jerk_ , the performer went to greet the Victorian standing nervously by the door.

“Good morning, Pentiouss. Did you ssleep alright?”

“He’ss lying! They were jusst pillowss!”

What?

“What?” Had the drugs not worn off yet? He did look a little flushed.

“I-I, uh, your bed. The pillowss...nicce.”

“...Thank you. They’re new.” Now that she really thought about it, it made sense that he’d still be a little loopy. Reptiles didn’t metabolize things as quickly as other animals, and he had gone through a _lot_ of the red stuff. 

For someone so concerned about proper decorum, it had to be difficult to be under the influence, even if he didn’t know _why_ he was acting that way. She wouldn’t make it any harder on him by acknowledging it.

“Sooo good! Screw Cherri, you’re my new best girl buddy, Bowie!”

“Angel! Three pieces of French toasst are enough for one persson! I only made ssix!”

Turning back to the inventor, Bow smiled and offered him a plate.

“You might want to get what you think you’ll end up eating now. Angie alwayss clearss me out when he goess in for ssecondss.”

“I...yess. Thank you for making breakfasst. It lookss wonderful.” Even if he still seemed a bit unbalanced, his eyes were sincere when he looked at her. 

Had his eyes always been such a vivid red?

As he took the plate, his fingers brushed along hers. The taller snake demon moved past her, managing to get to the counter in time to save the last of the sausage from Angel’s fork.

The two demons bickered over the home fries while Bow remained where he’d left her.

The club had a new air conditioner. It was the best in the market, and she’d made sure to test it out before she’d let the seller leave (you couldn’t be too careful in Hell, especially when it came to money).

The new unit was very strong, so why did her face feel so warm?

“Just one more-“

“Handss off the French toasst!” 

She’d figure it out later. For now, she had brioche to defend.

Filling her plate, Bow took a seat next to Angel at the main island. Pentious sat across from her. She tried not to watch as he carefully cut a small piece of the French toast, bringing it up to his mouth while Angel talked about Niffty’s new passion for the tuba.

He took a bite.

“-and then Al came in to find Vaggie chasing after her, so he-“

Chewing.

“-the organ, and then he dragged Husk into it, so Charlie-“

“Delicciouss!”

“-helped her - huh?” 

“Misss Bow, thiss iss exccellent. I can ssee why Angel iss always talking about your cooking.”

Bow felt her face warm again.

Damn air conditioner. That sales-rep was a dead man walking.

“I’m glad you like m- that you like it.” Why was Angel staring at her like that? “My firsst job was in a diner, sso I picked a lot of it up there. The resstaurant indusstry issn’t really for me, but I do like cooking for friendss.”

“It’ss a very usseful sskill to have. I had to ban half of my underlingss from the kitchen after they attempted to unionize the eggss in the refrigerator.”

Bow blinked, not sure she’d heard correctly.

“I’m ssorry, why would they...?”

The snake demon sighed. “It’ss a long sstory. Number 31 found a copy of the Communisst Manifessto in my library and thingss sspiraled. Ssuficce to ssay, there is a new Number 31 and that _book_ hass been removed for the ssake of my ssanity and their ssurvival.”

Bow had a lot of questions, but, before she could open her mouth and ask how his employees believed they could unionize _eggs_ of all things, Angel spoke up.

“Hey, Bow, it was cool of you to put us up for the night, but maybe next time leave me on the couch. Pen and I aren’t exactly _there_ , y’know.”

As a performer, Bow had plenty of skills. She could sing, dance, and even act when need be, though it helped if she had time to rehearse.

She’d planned for all sorts of answers when Angel or Pentious finally got around to asking about the night before, but that...well, at least she could be honest.

“Ange, I _did_ leave you on the couch.”

“What?”

“What?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Crazy few days! 
> 
> In case you were wondering, the Egg Bois learning about workers’ rights WAS as fun as you might be imagining. (It’s also the reason Pentious started his habit of stress eating them.)
> 
> Wrote this after 2am, so I might end up making some edits tomorrow when I’m less exhausted. 
> 
> 50 CHAPTERS?! 🤯  
> This was supposed to be a short story!


	51. The Night Before (3/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel and Pentious nearly lose their tempers with each other, and Bow ends up nearly losing her temper with both of them.
> 
> Feelings are felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last Night Before chapter, but then Angel and Pen started fighting and it got away from me. I promise you’ll actually get what happened the night before AND the end of step 3 (how did it end up this long??) in the next chapter.
> 
> WARNING: It isn’t at all graphic, but this chapter has Angel getting triggered by something and has hints of Val being an abusive ex/boss. This chapter can be skipped without you missing anything particularly relevant to the plot.

“Wait, you left me on the couch? My usual couch?”

Bow nodded, “Yess. Did you really end up...?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. Shit, what’d we _do_ last night? Pen?” Angel shot a look over at the snake demon. His face was scrunched up, body slumped over the counter. He looked a lot like a man who’d given up on life, which would be a lot funnier if the cause of his anguish had been something _other_ than having spent the night cuddling with him.

_What a prude._

“Get up, you dumbass noodle. It’s seriously not that bad.”

The inventor stirred, lifting himself enough to shoot a poisonous glare over at the source of his pain. Dimly, Angel wondered if the other was too distracted to realize that the woman of his dreams was STILL IN THE ROOM.

As it turned out, he was.

“I went to lunch and woke up on top of a prosstitute. What part of that issn’t a problem?!”

“Hey, people spend good money to have a night with me! You’re lucky I don’t charge you for it, especially since I _know_ you were rubbing up-“

“Angel!” Bow snapped, face coloring, “more than I needed to know about what you two were doing in _my bed_!”

Pentious, who had apparently just remembered they weren’t alone, froze, eyes wide and horrified at the insinuation. 

_Is his hat seriously gagging right now?!_

“Misss Bow, we can explain-“

“We didn’t even fu-“

“ **SssTOp.** ” 

There was a moment of silence.

Angel felt his pulse going wild.

Now, the arachnid knew his friend wasn’t exactly a _good_ person. She was down here for a reason, same as anyone, but she was still one of the nicest people in Hell.

Usually.

And then, sometimes, when she got scared, or angry or fucking _done with everybody’s shit_ -

Then she was goddamn _terrifying_.

Even Al’d be impressed if he saw the Rainbow Demon really lose her cool.

Hair and hip plumage ruffled out as far as they could go, multicolored sparks flying, Bow turned to face the wall, one arm going out to brace herself as she breathed in and out.

Angel tried to follow her example, but his lungs weren’t cooperating.

Pentious shifted, looking like he wanted to go to her, but an arm blocking his path kept him in place.

_She’s upset._

_Yeah, and you’re gonna wait it out. Does she LOOK like she wants a hug to you?!_

After another minute of silence, the demoness spoke. 

“Whatever happened...happened, no detailss needed. Jusst...am I going to need new ssheetss?”

“Nope.”

“Fine. Let’ss jusst...move on, then.”

Angel relaxed as Bow’s feathers settled, the light of her demonic magic fizzling out. Logically, he knew Bow wouldn’t actually hurt him (unlike that evil motherfucker) - she was way too loyal to the people she liked for that (never going back to that craphole studio), but sometimes, when she got angry and a little of her power started seeping out (“ _What did I tell you, Angel Cakes?_ ”), it reminded him how much closer she was to Overlord-level strength than anyone he knew who _wasn’t_ an Overlord (“ _That was a **bAD IdeA, baBY!**_ ”).

And he didn’t have the best luck with Overlords.

“Ange.”

When had she gotten so close?

“Mm?”

(“ _Look what you make me do, Baby Boy. I wouldn’t need ta hurt you like this if you’d just get your act together._ ”)

“I didn’t mean-“

(“ _-your fault, you **sTupId** -_”)

“I’m ssorry. I’m really ssorry, Angie.”

Pulling her close, Angel pressed himself tightly into the hug, feeling bright pink feathers tickle his chin as she returned his embrace.

“Me too, Bowie.”

_You’re nothing like him._

Val had taken a lot from him over the years, but Angel would be _damned_ if he let the flea ruin this, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! STOP HAVING FEELS WHILE I’M TRYING TO WRITE HUMOR!
> 
> About Bow: It’s my theory that more powerful Sinners, with more demonic magic, are pretty unstable emotionally. Bow’s normally very mild-mannered, but she needs to constantly keep her own temper in check, because demonic magic WANTS to lash out.
> 
> She’s NEVER hurt Angel, and Angel isn’t scared when she loses her temper at someone else (he regularly jokes about the head biting and let her loose on the people messing up her club on purpose), but he’s had enough bad experiences with Valentino that a show of strong demonic magic directed at him (even if it wasn’t intended and doesn’t physically touch him) really freaks him out. They’ve never discussed it, but I feel like she’d realize something was up.


	52. The Night Before (4/4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story comes out. The full (highly edited) story.
> 
> Step 3 ends without a bang or a whimper, to Angel’s disappointment.

Pentious leaned back in the armchair, enjoying the soft, supple leather. His Boa truly hadn’t spared any expenses when it came to the remodel, and it looked as though she’d used the shutdown as an excuse to update rooms that hadn’t been impacted by the rioting guests.

Like her bedroom.

Pushing back a less than appropriate image of his beloved for the moment, he waited for the demoness in question to begin.

Curled up on the couch, Bow brushed back Angel’s hair, giving him one last friendly squeeze before speaking.

“Sso, I guesss we all have ssome quesstionss about what happened yessterday.”

“Us more than you, Feathers,” the arachnid snorted. “Last thing I remember, we were just startin on the pasta and then nothing.”

“Well, after lunch you asssked about how the Rainbow Room wass coming along, sso I invited you both over to check it out-“

_”wheee!” Angel cried, tumbling through the door before Bow could catch him. “Love watcha done wit the play-ce, Bow-Bow. The spinning ceiling’s real neat.”_

_“Thankss,” the performer replied, dragging the Victorian in after him. Pentious hissed as she tried to pull away, hugging her arm to his chest with impressive strength considering he was barely staying up without her help. “It’ss the hottesst new trend. That and the blurry colorss and the weird tasste in your mouth.”_

_“Nailed it!”_

The snake demon frowned, trying for some memory of touring the club.

“I musst ssay, I don’t remember that at all. Did ssomething happen after that?”

“Yess, actually,” the performer blushed, looking at the ground, “Angel ssaw I had a copy of ‘Sssnakes on a Plane’ and wanted to ssee it, sso we went to my living room and watched it. I guesss what happened next might have been my fault.”

_”Angie, not the hair! OW!”_

_Dropping her friend onto his usual couch, Bow started working on her game plan._

_Living room._

_TV._

_Snakes._

_Perfect._

_She could say they’d stayed over to watch ‘Snakes on a Plane.’ Angel loved watching snake movies with her, so she knew he’d be demanding to watch it with her and Pentious if he was sober._

_“Ssso pretty.”_

_Speaking of..._

_“How about we get you ssettled in, alright?”_

_“Y’takin me to bed, pretty Boa?”_

_Bow nearly choked on her saliva as she processed that._

_“Wh-NO! No, I mean, I jusst thought...ssleep, and Angie’ss on the couch...”_

_Then again...that IS what she was doing, wasn’t it? Angel was on the couch, and she didn’t have the heart to leave him in a chair or on the floor._

_She COULD leave him on a couch in an alcove off the main room, but she wanted to keep him close in case he had a bad reaction to the drugs._

_Which left her bed as the only option.  
.  
.  
.  
Great._

_“Jusst...come with me.”_

_Half carrying him down the hall, Bow ignored the way her stomach tightened with embarrassment as they got closer and closer to her bedroom._

_God, she was being ridiculous! She was putting him there because it was the best option, not because they’d be doing anything!_

_The thing was, she’d been Not Doing Anything for about a year now, not since her last almost-boyfriend had demanded she perform for free at a party he was hosting on a night she was already booked._

_Bastard._

_Yes, she didn’t need to be in a relationship to get physical, but she preferred it, so waiting was fine._

_And totally irrelevant to a pal of a pal spending a platonic night ALONE on the only mattress in the building._

_She hadn’t even slept on it yet, so it wasn’t like there were any...associations._

_“There we go,” still flushed, Bow pulled Pentious into her room, refusing to look directly at him as she pulled back the blankets and lowered him carefully onto the soft surface._

_“Niccce.” The inventor wiggled into the blankets, smiling at the feel._

_“They’re new.”_

_Stop. Thinking. About. It!_

_Make sure he’s good and get out!_

_“Do you need anything before I go check on Angel? Water? Painkillerss? I could turn the temperature up.”_

_Pentious mumbled something into the pillows._

_“What?”_

_“Want you. Jusst you, Love.”_

“We were about to watch the movie when I thought we could use ssome popcorn and ssodass, sso I went to get them. I found popcorn, but I was out of bottled drinkss, sso I went back to the main part of the club and raided the bar.”

Angel nodded. “Makes sense, but what the fuck did you get that’d take us both down? I don’t have a hangover, but the blackout is crazy. Haven’t felt like that in decades. What about you, Scales?”

“No, nothing I’ve ever had effected me thiss way. What sort of alcohol was it, Misss Bow?”

“That’ss the thing,” she looked back up, face confused, “I _didn’t_ get alcohol. Cody keepss ssoft drinks behind the bar for cocktailss, sso I took a sixx pack of Dr. Leper and a couple Phantomss. You drank the Dr. Leper, which iss nassty by the way-“

“Screw you! It’s a goddamn experience!”

“-and I had the Phantom.” The feathered serpent finished, rolling her eyes as the porn star continued to defend his soda of choice.

Suddenly, Pentious sat straight up, eyes wide. “Sso you think it’ss your fault becausse Cody workss with drugss.”

“Huh?” Angel cut off from his monologue as he thought about it. “Damn, that makes sense. Cody laces a bunch of the shit at the bar for customers who want a little something extra, but I didn’t think he kept stuff in reserve.”

“Me neither,” Bow sighed, slumping against her friend. “I’m sso ssory, guyss. I really thought the bottless would be ssafe!”

“Hey, you couldn’t know he’d do that. We’re good, Bowie.”

“He’ss right, my- Misss Bow. The only fault liess with the persson irressponssible enough to leave something like that laying around for anyone to take.”

Bow smiled. “Thankss. So, we were about an hour in when you started to get kind of loopy, which iss when I put you in my room for the night and threw a blanket over Angel-“

_”Booooowieeee! Yer baaaAAAaaack!”_

_“Hey, Angel. How are you feeling?”_

_Angel giggled, trying and failing to hoist himself into a sitting position._

_“Aaaaall good all over. S’like a massage inside and out. A shiatsu for the soul!”_

_“...Right. Your friend’ss in my room-“_

_“Already? How was he? Did he do the headbutt thing? Was it hot or weird?”_

_“Jusst to ssleep! ALONE!”_

_The universe was punishing her. She deserved it, but she didn’t appreciate that God or whatever forces governed the luck of Sinners kept dropping reminders about her dry spell._

_“Too bad, I bet it’d be super hot.” Gesturing for her to snuggle up with him on the couch, Angel latched on, nuzzling lazily into her stomach while she combed her fingers through his fur._

_“He’s a really good guy, y’know.”_

_“I know. You have good tasste - for the mosst part.”_

_“I do, but Pen...he’s gonna be gone the second he gets wha’ he wants. He’s too good for me - y’both are.”_

_“Ange, that’ss not true.”_

_“T’is too, but tha’s ok. Love you both lots, but s’best he gets th’kinda person he deserves. You too.”_

_“I’m not gonna leave you if I sstart sseing ssomeone. You know that. I’ve had boyfriendss before.”_

_The furry body draped over her tail shifted, mismatched eyes staring into hers, completely serious._

_“But I think m’gonna lose him, ‘n that means I’ll lose you too.”_

_“That doessn’t make ssense. How would you losse me if Pentiouss leavess you?”_

_There was no reply. Angel had fallen asleep._

“After that, I called Luccy to canccel our planss and sstraightened up a little.”

“Shit, I forgot about Luce. How pissed is she on a scale from one to Maria?”

Bow shrugged, “It actually went really well. Sshe had ssome lasst minute meeting sshe needed to go to, sso you’re in the clear.”

_”Wow, maybe I added too much wormwood. Sorry again about ditching you.”_

_“Not a problem. I’m pretty busssy messsing up my living room.”_

_There was a pause over the line. “What?”_

_“I’m telling them we were watching movies when they drank drugged ssodass I accidentally grabbed from Cody’ss ssuply, sso the room hass to look like we had a movie night to be believable. I even have a few empty bottless in the trassh and the DVD paussed about halfway through.”_

_“...should I be concerned that you put THAT much thought into gaslighting your friends?”_

_“I mean, I really want to ssay no...”_

“And that’ss what happened. I cleaned up a bit, did ssome online sshopping, watched a few epissodess of Hell’ss Next Top Model on my laptop, and made breakfasst in the morning.”

“And you have _no idea_ how Angel ended up in your bedroom?”

“None.”

_Eyes fluttering open, Angel looked around the room._

_Empty._

_“Booooooooooooow,” he whispered, “Penenenentious!”_

_Where’d they go?_

_And did they go there...together?_

_Fuck, was he missing the magic?! Did it look like the cobra video or was his girl stepping up and bringing the porn?_

_Lifting off the couch, Angel struggled to his feet, making his way slowly down the hall to Bow’s room._

_Pressing his head to the door, he listened._

_No squeaking or moaning._

_Damn it!_

_Slipping into the room, he glared disapprovingly down at the Englishman alone under a pile of blankets._

_Had he seriously kicked Bow out of her own bed?!_

_“Dumbass.”_

_Angel stamped his feet, regretting it instantly as his vertigo returned in full force. Falling forward, he landed on top of the snake._

_“Boa?”_

_“Not q-hey!” The prostitute struggled as thin, scaly arms wrapped around him, a long tail encircling his legs._

_He felt like a rabbit about to get eaten by a frikkin boa constrictor._

_“Angel! Issn’t it nicce here? Sss’ssoft and warm. Jusst like you!”_

_Well..._

_It WAS kind of nice._

_“Thanks, Penny. You’re nice too. Good noodle. You’re my big, dumb noodle, Pen!”_

_“You’re MY big, dumb noodle, Angel. M’gla wer friendss.”_

_“M’too.”_

“Guess we’ll never know.” Standing up, Angel turned to Pentious. “We should probably get back before Yoko and the Gang storm the place in your airship. Where’s your coat?”

“My coat?” Pentious looked down. “I...have no idea. Bow?”

“Maybe you took it off during the night? Did you check the sside of the bed?”

“I’ll do that now. Angel, I’ll meet you over by the door.”

“Gotcha.”

Slithering back into his darling serpent’s room, Pentious looked around. Sure enough, his coat was in a crumpled ball at the foot of the bed.

Finding his way towards the exit, he arrived just in time for the serpent and spider to finish their conversation. Bow was grinning, but Angel’s smile was a bit more forced.

“Misss Bow, it hass been a pleassure. I hope we ssee each other again ssoon.”

“You will,” Bow confirmed. “Ange invited me over to the Hap - the Haz - to the Hotel next week for your game night.”

_Game night?_

_I panicked. Go with it!_

“Wonderful. Have an enjoyable resst of your day.”

Making their way down the alley, Pentious waited until he heard the door close behind him to speak.

“Apart from that...unfortunate accident, I think it went rather well. Misss Bow and I really connected, and I think thiss could be the sstart of a much more intimate relationsship between her and I.”

“Yeah, uh...she really approves of you and all-“

“Did sshe really ssay that?!” Oh, he felt positively _divine_!

“She did. Becauseshethinkswe’refucking.”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“SSHE THINKSS WHAT?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bow. I love you, lies and all.
> 
> But damn girl, you’re supposed to be the good one!


	53. Misss Undersstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel explains how Bow got the wrong idea about their relationship.
> 
> Off screen, a mattress is quietly murdered.

_Step 4: Now that your intended is more comfortable in your presence, make sure to seek her out for further conversation and merrymaking at social events. You may now call upon her at her family home during daylight hours, provided a chaperone is still in attendance. These actions will assure both family and friends of your devotion and fidelity._

“Uh, Pen?”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Pen. Come on.”  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
“Helloooo!”  
.  
.  
“Fuck, did you faint? Do snakes sleep with their eyes open? Bow doesn’t, but she’s half bird....well, there was that one time...WAKE UP ALREADY!”

Half collapsed at the end of the alley from when he’d tripped over his own tail, the inventor looked up, eyes narrowed.

“ _You._ ”

Shooting up, Pentious glared at the spider, hood flared wide and all eyes trying and failing to incinerate the focus of their ire by will alone.

“I get this is kinda bad-“

“What. Did. You. _Ssay._ To. Her?!” 

Instead of backing up, as most lower level demons did when confronted by a swaying cobra, Angel stood his ground. “Hey, it’s just as much what you said that got us into this, Mister ‘I woke up on a porn star,’ so keep that judgmental bullshit to yourself until you actually _hear_ what she said!”

A moment passed, and Angel was pleased to see a hint of green overtake the snake’s face as his hood dropped back down.

“Oh...that.”

“Yeah, THAT’s what sealed the deal for her, but she’s apparently been thinking about it for a while. After you went back for your coat, Bowie walked me out-“

_”Ssorry again about yessterday, Ange. The next lunch iss on me.”_

_“We’re good, but I won’t say no if you want ta check out that new sushi place down the street. I hear the chefs are all Deep Ones, so you know it’s got to be good.”_

_“Deal.” The performer leaned against the doorframe, feathers rustling happily as a beam of light hit her scales. Her eyes closed as she tilted her head back, basking in the sudden warmth. “You can invite Pentiouss asss well, if you want.”_

_Remembering the look on her face when the Victorian complimented her cooking, Angel didn’t bother to hide his smirk. He wasn’t planning on telling the demoness about Pen asking him to set them up, but he could still have some fun getting Bow to open up about her new crush._

_“You like him, huh?”_

_“I, well, yess,” THERE IT WAS AGAIN! Damn, her awkward feelings face was cute! “Did you really think I wouldn’t?”_

_Angel thought back to the night he introduced them._

_“Eh, yes and no. You get along with all sorts, but you only spend your free time with...what? Me, Luce’s family, that scary-ass knockoff Poison Ivy, and a couple others. I knew you’d be nice to Scales, but I wanted you to WANT to give him a shot at being someone you could get close to. Because...he’s worth lettin in.”_

_Bow was looking at him, expression suddenly blank. Hurriedly, Angel tried to backtrack before she freaked out on him._

_“Not that you need to instantly love each other or something, just maybe we could all grab some coffee sometime, start slow- you should come to the game night at the Hotel next week and-“_

_“Angie, it’ss okay. I really, REALLY like him, and you were right about him being the ssort of persson I would want to know better.”_

_Holy crap! Was she going to confess? Shit, where was his phone?! He NEEDED to record this for posterity-slash-his wedding toast._

_Stall for time!_

_“You mean it? About Pen? You like him already?”_

_WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS GODDAMN PHONE?_

_A flash of some strange emotion crossed Bow’s face before she smiled gently, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder._

_“I liked him from the moment you ssaid you had ssomebody you wanted me to meet, and I like him a lot more now that I ssee how good you are together.”_

_Angel blinked. The wording...positive, but the selection was weird._

_Something wasn’t right._

_“How good we are?”_

_“It...you can’t ssee it, Angie, but whatever you’re calling what you have with him? It’ss ssomething good. I can’t believe I didn’t noticce what you were trying to do when you brought him to meet me, but the way you were yessterday, the way you light up when you talk about him...you never NEEDED him to get my approval, Angel, but he hass it. Even if you idiotss did defile my brand new mattresss lasst night.”_

_Oh._

_No._

_NO! Fucking shit, why?! She thought he was dating Snake-Face? That he’d introduce him as a friend because he was trying to ease her into approving of them as a couple?_

_Pen was going to MURDER him!_

_He had to fix this! He’d tell her about what really happened that first night if he had to, but-_

_“Oh, I think I hear him now. Don’t worry, Angie,” Bow dropped her hand, scooting back a little as the sound of slithering scales drew closer to the door, “I won’t tell him what a ssofty you are.”_

“Oh my God.”

“Yep.”

“Are...did we really...?”

“Give off some massive Honeymoon Phase vibes during our third wheel non-date? Looks like it.”

Pentious groaned.

“And I didn’t do anything to help when I mentioned how we woke up.”

Angel snorted. “She’s absolutely burning the bed, blankets, and maybe the frame just to be safe.”

“Ssshit. What do we do now? Sshould I go back to clear thingss up?”

“Sure, if you want her to kill you for friend-zoning me the day after you got my panties off in her bed.”

“YOUR CLOTHING WASS ON THE ENTIRE TIME!”

“Believe me, that’s not an obstacle if you’re trying hard enough, but my point is that Bow’s thinking a lot about our _romance_ right now, and it’ll be tough to convince her when the idea’s so fresh. Telling her isn’t enough. We need to _SHOW_ her that _I’m_ not the one you’re hot for without makin her think you were using me.”

“And how do we go about sshowing her that sshe iss the one I love?”

_The Hell if I know._

“Game night. We start there and maybe she’ll let you keep your head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, Bow’s being like “He’s super cute, but I’m going to repress any budding interest out of existence and support my friend who already loves him so much!”
> 
> Also...STEP 4! FINALLY! Step 3 was so long!


	54. Fair Feather Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking place before Pentious and Angel wake up in Bow’s bed. Here’s what Bow’s good friend Lucy was doing after their call.

“ _-and then Ange called it a sshiatssu for the ssoul. Whatever you put in the drinkss hass a sseriouss kick. _”__

__Lucy stared down at the phone, taking a moment to process what she was hearing. She had a lot of questions, most of them about what the usually intelligent she-demon was thinking putting that insane wannabe Overlord in her bed of all places, but that would take time she didn’t have._ _

__Bow would be fine for the night._ _

__“Wow, maybe I added too much wormwood,” and clearly not enough opium poppy seed capsules if he’d been that responsive, “Sorry again about ditching you.”_ _

“ _Not a problem. I’m pretty busssy messsing up my living room. _”__

____

____

____...What?_ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____Having been friends with the feathered serpent demoness for a few years now, Lucy knew for a fact that she was was pretty serious about keeping her things in order. Yeah, she relaxed a bit in her apartment, but no part of the Rainbow Room was anything less than spotless._ _ _ _

____Bow couldn’t afford to lose the club’s higher class patrons, not when she went out of her way to avoid getting involved with any of the Pentagram’s resident Overlords._ _ _ _

____Overlords like-_ _ _ _

“ _I’m telling them we were watching moviess when they drank drugged ssodass I accidentally grabbed from Cody’ss ssuply, sso the room hass to look like we had a movie night to be believable. I even have a few empty bottless in the trassh and the DVD paussed about halfway through. _”__

____

____

_Of course you did._

______For a snake, Bow was almost ridiculously nice at times, but she could also be super manipulative, even when she thought she was doing the right thing._ _ _ _ _ _

Like that time she’d sent those gecko demons off with half _Medici’s_ tribute and gotten them to hike up the prices for _Bernabò’s_ down the street to make up for the difference. 

______Chef Lorenzo had been an asshole, always talking shit about her dad’s food and sucking up to Killjoy for prime advertising space, and Bow hadn’t thought twice before setting the Special Collectors after his head._ _ _ _ _ _

______It’d been pretty awesome to see Lorenzo chased down the street by a rabid hellhound, but, still..._ _ _ _ _ _

______“...should I be concerned that you put THAT much thought into gaslighting your friends?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______A soft sigh came through the line._ _ _ _ _ _

“ _I mean, I really want to ssay no...but, yeah, it sshould. It conccernss me all the time. Do you, um, do you think I sshould jusst tell them in the morning? _“__

____

____

________That..that would be bad. Telling them meant telling them about her, which could bring up the WRONG sort of questions about why she’d gotten involved._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They couldn’t know. Not until she’d gotten a chance to argue for her (and Bow’s, obviously) safety._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Nah, you’re definitely in too deep now. The prude in the top hat will be pissed if he finds out. Just don’t do it to me and we’re golden. Anyway, see you in a couple days for our _actual_ movie night?” 

“ _...Right, he would...right. Ssee you then. Have fun at your meeting._ ” 

________“Thanks Bow. Bye!” Pressing the END button, the chick pushed a couple feathers out of her field of vision._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Time to make an offer he couldn’t refuse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Dialing again as she exited the restaurant, Lucy felt herself shake as the phone rang once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Twice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Porn Studios, this is Sunshine speaking. How d’ya want it, Sugar?_ ” 

________“Uh, hi, this is Lucia calling f-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Sending you up now. Please hold._ ” 

________“Wait, I-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Unh! Yeah! Sooooo goood. Harder!_ ” 

_Shit, their hold music’s just sex noises. Gross!_

“ _-me! Oh, fuck ye- Hello, Miss Lucia. Are you on your way?_ ” 

________Thrown off from the immediate switch from grunting and moaning to the brisk, professional tone of a secretary, Lucy nearly tripped over a pothole._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Across the street, an imp clapped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Shithead._

________“I...yes, I-I’m pretty close now, butIcantalknowifyouwantand-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _No, I think an in-person meeting will be better. Give your name at the front desk and you will be brought to our VIP waiting room. You might need to wait a few minutes until Mister Valentino wraps things up, but there is more than enough to keep you entertained until I can come down to collect you._ ” 

________She didn’t even want to know what the woman meant by “entertained.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“A-and Va- Mister Valentino, I mean. Does he-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“ _Like I said, discussion can wait until you are here in person. Excuse me, I have another call coming in. Have a safe trip over, Miss Lucia. _”__

____

____

__________The call ended with a click._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It’s the trip back I’m worried about.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s taken so long. I’ve been in a bit of a creative rut lately, so I’m happy to be putting out the next chapter. 
> 
> Lucy’s getting involved in some shady stuff to keep herself and Bow safe. Guess we’ll need to see if it works.


	55. Lights, Camera, Fraction! (Intro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel finally has a day to himself. Always good to get a break from the drama.

Fur?

Freshly smoothed.

Teeth?

Sharp and shiny.

Clothes?

Short, tight, and hot as hell.

_Time to go._

Giving one last wink at his reflection, Angel moved away from the mirror, brushing a speck of lint off his sleeve.

Yesterday had been a _lot_ , between the whole who’s-nailing-who mixup with Bow to Pentious’s freak out over how they’d get his courtship back on track. He’d been stuck in the airship for hours while the scaly noodle tried to work through scenarios for what they could do at game night and how they’d do it without letting Charlie maul them all with love and wedding plans.

Their best bet was duct tape, but it wouldn’t surprise him if even that couldn’t stop her excitement over a possible new addition to her redemption project.

But that was yesterday and next week. 

Today was his, and Angel wasn’t going to waste a second of his increasingly rare free time worrying about what was and might be.

Besides, Cherri said his favorite vending machine was stocked up with the good stuff, and what went better with Angel Dust than angel dust?

Taking the stairs four at a time, the spider waved as a small red blur ran past.

“Hey, Niff! What’s the rush?”

“Husk coughed up another fur-ball! Ooooh, he’s gonna get it later! I almost stepped on it!”

Angel could sympathize. They’d _all_ been there, and Niffty was always the one who got rid of the soggy lumps before they started to stink too bad.

He should help her out. 

Just...not with the cleaning.

“Sounds like a drag. It’s too bad Husky doesn’t have shorter hair - then he wouldn’t have as much to puke onto your clean floors. Might keep him from sweating all over the furniture in the summer, too...”

The pitter patter of demonic feet stopped abruptly.

_My work here is done._

“Bye, Little Red!”

“...maybe Mister Alastor has scissors I can use...”

Chuckling as he stepped into the lobby, Angel made for the doors. Finally, a day with no drama!

“Angel!”

_Well fuck you, too, Universe!_

“Kinda busy, Chucky. I’m heading out, so let’s-“

Zipping around him, Charlie bodily blocked the door, eyes wide and face red from exertion.

“Gotta...heh...talk...’dio...heh...papers.” 

The arachnid blinked, head tilting to the side as he watched his landlady panting against the doorframe.

“Wanna run that by me again?”

“...heh...News...paper...read.” Thrusting an arm out, the blonde pressed a rolled up newspaper against his stomach.

“Yeah...sure, I’ll read it. Uh, you okay?”

“Ran....eighteen floors... _heh!_...water.”

_I swear, if this is the start of another rant about them getting the Hotel name wrong..._

“Go get a drink, Charlie. I’ll look this over if it’s that big of a deal.”

“Promise?”

“I _promise_ to read it, alright?”

Nodding, Charlie stumbled off towards the kitchen, leaving Angel with the paper in his arms.

“I’ll read it...later.” Dropping the paper onto the bar, he was out the door and on the street just in time to hear a furious yowl echoing through the building.

_Guess Niffty found the scissors._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy it while you can, Angel. Enjoy it while you can...


	56. Lights, Camera, Fraction! (1/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Justice in Hell is tricky.
> 
> He goes by Jesse these days.

Justice blew a stray hair out of his face, brown eyes fixed on the paper in his hands.

Shit was getting crazy in the Pentagram, but it hadn’t hit his corner yet, so it was just business as usual in the _UNITED HELLHOLE KIOSK_ , go to place for anyone who wanted lukewarm bottled water, sugar free candies or a gently loved copy of _Hot Demon Love Action_.

Gently loved by who or how many, the young demon didn’t know, but he spritzed his hands with moonshine any time he had to stock the shelves.

“Hey,” a furry hand slammed a bag of Flays onto the counter, “these any good?”

_Bitch, do they LOOK good?! The blood’s already soaking through and I just cleaned up!_

“If you could afford better, you wouldn’t bother to ask. Drop the money and fuck off.”

“Asshole.”

_Ooh, so clever._

“Have a lovely day, you broke-ass, syphilitic, mange-ridden warthog looking motherfucker. And remember, you can’t spell _UNITED HELLHOLE KIOSK_ without ‘I-KILL-U!’”

Their slogan was actually one of the few things Justice liked about the job, that and how nobody cared if he wore a name tag with “Jesse” on it.

Because a demon named Justice was an irony even Lucifer would consider overdone.

Turning a page, he felt his hands clench around the paper at the gentle clacking of heels coming closer.

_I can’t get one damn minute to myself around here! Knew I should’ve taken more from the register when I had the chance._

“Weird question, but can I get a couple plastic bags for a dollar? I’m on a drug run and it’s gonna be more than I want to carry.”

Well, he could respect _that_ , but it didn’t mean he was going to give the guy interrupting him an easy time. Couldn’t afford to set a bad precedent after all.

“You want two bags, you’re going to need...to...”

Silky smooth, milk white fur.

A playful smirk, with the teasing gleam of gold illuminated by the Kiosk’s shitty lighting.

Tall.

Thin.

Curves like WOAH.

_Hot._

_Fuck, he’s hot. He? Probably, but sexy either way. Don’t stare. Don’t stare, you idiot!_

“I’m going to need to...?”

_Oh, so many ways I could finish that. Wait, why does he look familiar?_

Tearing his eyes away from the vision in stripes, Justice looked back down at the paper, then back up.

Oh.

Holy shit.

Angel Dust.

_Fuck!_

“So, like, if you throw in a bag of pretzels, I guess I can give you a quick bl-“

“Here! Take them!” God, he wanted to hear the end of that sentence, but it wasn’t worth it. He needed the spider to go and he needed him to go now.

Angel Dust opened his mouth, but Justice wasn’t letting this drag out where anyone could find them.

“It’s on the house! Don’t worry about it, just go. I...uh, I need to go get something from the back, and you can’t be here while the register’s empty.”

The porn star didn’t seem to believe him, but he took the bags anyway.

“Whatever, you do what you need ta do.” Pulling a card out of his pocket, Angel Dust let it flutter onto the counter, giving Justice a leer before heading out.

“You’re pretty cute, Jess. Call me if you want some fun. _On the house_.”

Justice watched the taller demon strut away, forcing himself to ignore the swish of hips he was sure was added just for him.

As Angel Dust disappeared from sight, Justice grabbed the newspaper, allowing himself a moment of regret before taking out his lighter.

The paper went up in flames within seconds, but not before Justice got one more look at those incredible eyes.

If he slipped the card into his wallet before cleaning up, well, nobody needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hums “Where is the Justice?” from the Death Note musical*


	57. Lights, Camera, Fraction! (2/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel’s day goes in an unexpected direction, but never let it be said a bad day can’t get worse.

Stepping out of the kiosk, Angel took a moment to make sure his phone was on.

Sure, he didn’t like when guys did that whole “hey, guess who” instant call bullshit after they got his number, but the dark haired demon...well, the spider wouldn’t be _annoyed_ if he changed his mind about trading for those bags.

Or maybe wanted to grab a coffee or something.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
What?

_Fuck, I’ve been spending too much time helping Pen score dates. Can’t go picking up his weird habits now, that’d just be embarrassing._

No, sex was well and good, but Angel knew from experience that feelings were the death of a career for someone in his particular line of work. First you wanted to spend time with them just talking, then you were feeling bad about giving it up on command, and suddenly you were dumped by the studio _and_ Mr. Right in the same week. 

Rest In Peace, Peachy Keen, you phenomenal dumbass. May your DVDs dust over in the bargain bin where they belong.

Spotting his favorite drug machine up ahead, Angel groaned at the sight of two demons already in line. He knew those chubby little garden gnomes.

This was gonna be a while.

“So many options!” The rounder of the two crowed, face practically pressed into the buttons as he looked over the latest selection. “Meth or crack? OH! Look, they have baggies of heroin!”

“Heroin’s a girly drug. Get a prescription pill grab bag or some LSD and move out of the way!” The taller gnome grumbled.

“Girly?!” His brother screeched. “How is heroin _girly_?! It’ll mess you up twice as fast as anything, I tell you!”

“It’s a girly name! _Heroin_. Like, why’d they name it after lady superheroes anyway?”

_Son of a bitch, they’re gonna be at this for hours._

“THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SAME WORD! ‘Heroine’ has a E!”

“Yeah, so does heroin. How’s that different?”

“At the end!”

“H-roine?”

“No you idiot! Two Es! TWO!”

“Hr...Hroinee?”

_Nope. Drawing a line here._

“Hey, assholes!” Towering over them, Angel looked down, glaring at the bickering siblings yelling and yanking at each other’s hair, “Choose something and fuck off! I got places to be and headaches to self-medicate.”

“Shut u-“ The round gnome broke off suddenly, eyes going wide. “Uuuuh, you, um. Angel Dust.”

“ _Angel Dust?!_ ” The other squeaked, backing away with one hand clutching at his chest.

“Yeah, Angel Dust,” Seriously, those two were acting more ridiculous than usual. “Now hurry it up and don’t you dare go for the PCP, or I’ll-“

“We’re sorry!”

“Take our money, Mr. Dust, Sir!”

“I don’t even _like_ drugs!”

“I thought this was a soda machine!”

“Don’t kill us!”

“I’m allergic to snakes!”

In a rush of motion, the porn star was left alone, standing dazed and confused in front of the softly glowing drug dispenser, a pile of loose change and dirty singles rattling around his feet.

“...Freaks.”

Unsettled, Angel was quick to place his order, scooping angel dust into his bags. He’d wanted to hit a few stores before heading home, but he wasn’t really feeling it anymore.

As he walked, a tall, purple scaled lamia turned a corner, saw him and turned right back around.

A poodle-headed mother dragged her kid across the street, weaving through traffic in 4 inch heels.

Angel walked faster.

An alley cat attempted to scale a wall, claws scratching ineffectively against brick.

An imp smiled and moved to greet him before being trampled by a frightened centaur.

A teen across the street stopped, phone raised. There was a flicker of light and click as his picture was taken. Seeing that, a few more did the same, all from a distance. 

_Click._

_Click._

_Click. Click._

_Clickclickclickcliclclickclickclick!_

He started running, and apparently that was all it took for people to get over their own fears.

“Angel!”

“Angel Dust!”

“Angel, is it true you-“

“-out of there with Sir-“

“-territory now?”

“Do you think-“

_Were they just waiting somewhere?! Shit, there’s more of them!_

“I heard from a guy who heard from an intern at 6-“

“-can’t afford-“

“Angel, I-“

“Mister Dust! Miss? Angel Dust! Over here!”

They were coming from all around now, caging him in against Malware Electronics.

“-need an assistant, because my sister says-“

“-Porn-“

“-did it feel when you turned against-“

“Angel!”

“Angel!”

“-have mercy!”

“Angel Dust!”

Hands pulling at his clothing.

Bodies everywhere, some kneeling at his feet, others with phones raised, flashes going off again and again.

“Angel!”

“FOR THE LOVE OF - WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!” Angel roared, his third set of arms popping out, gun raised at the faceless mob pressing his back with every frantic question.

The cacophony fell silent, and the arachnid felt his stomach clench as some very familiar intro music buzzed against his eardrums, a display of TV screens flickering to life as the 666 News logo was replaced by the leering grin of the one and only Katie Killjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry, Katie Killjoy is objectively terrifying. She needs her own horror movie ASAP.


	58. Lights, Camera, Fraction! (3/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody actually watches 666 News, right?  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> RIGHT?!

**”Gooood morning, Sinners of the Pentagram! I’m Katie Killjoy-“**

**“-and I’m Tom Trench!”**

**“-coming to you live with the latest news on a subject near and dear to our hearts: our malevolent Overlords! You know their names, and you know their many iniquities-“**

**“-and boy, are they vicious!”**

**“-so it’s no wonder they face swarms of sad, _grossly delusional little PESTS_ trying to claim title and territory for their own. Sure, there’s the occasional winner, but it’s been decades since anyone’s lasted more than a minute against our current leaders, so what we here at 666 News have uncovered is sure to shock. Tom?”**

**“Thank you, Katie. What we’ve found-**

**“No, I meant MOVE THE FUCK BACK BEFORE I SMACK THAT STUPID MASK OFF YOUR FACE!”**

**“Eek!”**

**“As _I_ was saying, a new threat has emerged, striking at our esteemed Overlord system, an enemy so manipulative, so underhanded and cruel that she has teamed up with the infamously unsavory Radio Demon to overthrow the powers that be and subjugate us all under her heel, disguising the creation of her own private army as a _passion project_ aimed at rehabilitating demons.”**

**“Just dreadful! And to think she made up some cutesy song to trick us all into thinking she wasn’t twice as nasty as her old man ever was!”**

**“I never thought I’d say it, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up, Tom. Better men than you have fallen victim to her lies...and there are a _lot_ of better men. Who, you might ask, is this black-hearted, conniving little _WITCH_!? Charlie Magne, owner and manager of the so called ‘Happy Hotel.’ We’ll have more on that at the top of the hour. Until then...is your local food vendor lacing your burgers with holy water, or is it just cat urine? Find out after these messages!”**  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Two bags of angel dust dropped to the pavement as their owner bolted, pushing through the shouting masses, face down as cameras flashed.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
From the back room of _Medici’s_ , a yellow feathered demoness shut the television off as her father walked by, arms laden with a stack of dirty dishes.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Miles away, a paper was signed with a flourish. Those absolute _bastards_ had no idea what was coming. But that was fine. Great even.

They would.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
In the Western side of the city, Prince Stolas picked up a quill.

If his darling Blitzy wouldn’t answer his calls, perhaps a letter would make it through.

The little imp should know his return might be a bit... _delayed_ by recent events.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
From his tower, Alastor grinned so widely it hurt. Miss Killjoy was a repulsive, ill mannered fool, more suited for the gaudy, vapid world of television than his beloved radio waves, but...

...still...

He had to applaud her moxie. 

Now, how to play this out for maximum entertainment?  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Busy composing a letter thanking his lovely Boa for her hospitality, Pentious looked up as his phone began to ring.

Why in Satan’s name was _Cherri Bomb_ of all people calling him? And who gave her his home number?!  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Dark, pointed claws tapped against a wooden desk. 

“Interesting. **_VeRY intErESTiNg!_** ”

It appeared as though the Happy-Hazbin Hotel was going to be ground zero for the biggest shift in local policy since the manifestation of the now double-deceased Steam Power Demon.

How fun!  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
With a crash, the remote broke through the television screen, sending shards flying as a line of smoke rose from the brand new entertainment system.

Dousing the sparks with a glass of water, Bow slithered out the door, hands curling into fists.

Her idiots needed all the help they could get, and she knew _just_ where to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil smile*


	59. Totally Recalled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel finds his way back to the hotel. 
> 
> Well, the important part is that he gets there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have been blessed by Vivziepop with more Angel Dust content! Check out ADDICT if you haven’t already! It’s tragic, but you learn so much about how they’re setting up the HH storyline!
> 
> Anyway...I’m back. I had some trouble deciding on something relating to the plot, but now I have a much better idea of how to get to the ending I want. The REAL fun is coming up soon.

“Angel! It’s An- Hey, come back!”

“Angel Dust!”

Legs aching, Angel ran, faster than he’d ever run before.

“-Princess really teach-“

“You live-“

“Angel! ANGEL DUST!”

_Oh God, oh FUCK! Where the fuck am I?! Shit!_

“Glenda, isn’t that-“

“-true you and Sir Pentious killed-“

Lights flashed as phones rose to aim in his direction. He picked up the pace, muscles screaming out as he jumped clear over the head of some furry blue jackass with a fucking _Polaroid_ of all things.

_Did that little asshole just try for an up-skirt pic?!_

_Good luck with your crappy old man camera!_

Slowing a little, he looked around. That store was kinda familiar...but maybe it was a chain? Had he seen that statue before, or was it just a corpse that got all grimy? That happened sometimes before the rats came to clean things up.

_Damn it! I can’t find anything like this. I need to get out of the streets before those freaks start posting those pictures online!_

Not for the first time, the spider cursed his very distinctive appearance. Sure, he stood out when he wanted to, but he also stood out when standing out what the LAST thing he needed.

Next time he went out, he was gonna wear sunglasses and a goddamn parka!

But only if he lived that long.

Rounding a corner, Angel took a chance ducking into an alley. Pressing himself in the gap between two garbage cans, he curled up as tightly as he could.

A bit of his head probably peaked up over the cans, but maybe they wouldn’t notice if he kept still.

“Angel! Angeeel!”

“Where’d he go!?”

“He was just here! I bet he’s hiding! OW!”

“You idiot! Why would a powerhouse like Mr. Dust hide?!”

_Powerhouse?! At most, I shoot people or borrow bombs off Cherri, and STOP CALLING ME MR. DUST!_

“He’s crafty! He could be watching us right now, just waiting to strike!”

“There’s no one here!”

“He couldn’t have run outta sight at the speed he was going, so he either vanished or he’s hiding. Let’s look around!”

A sigh.

“Fine. Jack, you check the bushes by _Dye Alone_ , Tommy, you and Russ go to the alley by the pizza place, and we’ll take the one on the right.”

“Got it.”

_I’m screwed._

There was no way they wouldn’t find him, so he may as well face this with what dignity he had left.

Taking a deep breath, Angel moved to stand.

And then was jerked back by an arm tightening painfully around his waist.

Everything went black as he was dragged back _through_ the alley wall.

“Wha-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

Thrashing against the arms wrapped tightly around his torso, Angel felt reality snap back into place along with the lights as he was abruptly released, falling over in a spineless heap. Spots danced in front of his eyes as the sound of a very familiar radio-enhanced chuckle filled the lobby of the Happy-Hazbin Hotel.

“ _AHAHAHAHA! ALWAYS THE DRAMATIC ONE, AREN’T YOU, ANGEL? I DO HOPE MY DEAR SHADOW DIDN’T FRIGHTEN YOU TOO MUCH. AFTER ALL..._ ”

A gloved hand grabbed his chin, gently but firmly lifting his head enough for Angel to get a clear view of the absolutely _ecstatic_ look on Alastor’s face.

“ _WE HAVE **So MucH TO DIsCUSs, You aND I!**_ ”

It was official, short of Lucifer tap dancing through the front door with the Legions of Hell following at his heels, there was no way his day could get worse from here.

“There you are, you _flaco cabrón_! Charlie’s been worried sick about your dumb ass! Where the hell have you been?!”

_Well played, Universe, you spiteful son of a bitch._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to NeverKnightfire for some INCREDIBLE artwork of an OC child of Pentious and Bow! He’s so cool looking 😭😭😭 
> 
> https://knightfire.tumblr.com/post/623037311092998144/chex-and-chance-soon-to-be-bound-for-a-new


	60. Rebranding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie sees a silver lining.
> 
> Vaggie sees the full storm.
> 
> Alastor’s just living his best afterlife.
> 
> Angel sort of misses his brother.

Angel occasionally thought about what would inevitably do him in.

Sometimes it was Val or his goons.

Maybe a knife through his heart, an angel blade to the neck, a little poison slipped into his booze.

Possibly one two many innuendos in front of the Radio Demon.

Arackniss with a chainsaw.

Arackniss with a bone-saw.

Really, Arackniss with any kind of saw or saw-like device. 

His brother never lacked in variety for the process, even if the end result was more or less always the same.

There were a lot of ways he could end up double-dead, and he’d thought about a lot of them since manifesting in Hell. 

But still...

He’d never really pictured his untimely end quite like _this_.

_”There you are, you flaco cabrón! Charlie’s been worried sick about your dumb ass! Where the hell have you been?!”_

_Well played, Universe, you spiteful son of a bitch._

_“Uh...”_

_“Angel! There you are!” Salvation came in the form of a petite blonde, panting lightly as she skidded to a stop between him and Vaggie. “I’m so glad you’re okay!”_

_Behind her, the blade of a harpoon flashed in the light._

_“Uh, thanks, Chucky. I went out for some...groceries, and there was this whole thing...”_

_“With you showing up on 666 News as Killjoy’s ‘proof’ that she’s plotting to overthrow the Overlord system!” Vaggie hissed, eye narrowed. “What the Hell were you thinking, attacking Porn Studios! Now Valentino is going to be out for our heads and half the Pentagram is calling us asking-“_

_Since the cyclops was facing him, she didn’t see the moment she fucked up, but Angel did in the way black and yellow eyes widened in shocked delight._

_And it was GLORIOUS._

_“People are calling? They’re really calling the hotel!?” Vaggie’s angry ranting stopped abruptly at her girlfriend’s questions._

_“Babe, that’s not-“_

_“But you just said it! People are calling the hotel! We finally have their attention! Oooh, this is so exciting!”_

_“They’re calling because they think we have some kind of Junior Overlord training program!”_

_“WHICH MEANS THEY’RE WILLING TO LEARN WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO TEACH THEM!”_

_“Exactly! As long as we can get them in the door-“_

_“Charlie, no!”_

_“-we can show them through example how to be good!”_

Vaggie, Charlie, and Alastor had kept the argument up just long enough for him to slide carefully over to the bar, grabbing the paper before taking off.

He couldn’t have long, but he needed to know what Charlie had been trying to warn him about before they dragged him back to talk.

In the relative safety of his room, Angel dropped onto the bed, rolling open the paper to see what he was dealing with.

**CO-VERLORDS: HOW PRINCESS CHARLOTTE’S ‘HAPPY HOTEL’ SEEKS TO REPLACE THE OVERLORD SYSTEM WITH DEMONS UNDER HER CONTROL**

That was the headline, and most of the front page was taken up by a picture of him and Pentious breaking through the front doors of the studio, eyes wide, clothing covered in blood.

The goddamn poodle skirt flapping in the breeze.

Snake and spider had been laughing when they _finally_ escaped, half mad off the excitement of beating Valentino in the heart of his territory. Of Angel finally being free.

They’d been happy.

The picture made them look deranged.

Devious.

_Demonic._

No wonder people thought it was an attack instead of them running for their lives. The cheetahs weren’t even visible from that angle.

_Everyone in the Pentagram thinks Pen and I are trying to overthrow an Overlord, and that Charlie’s telling us how to take down the rest._

_Including all the other Overlords._

Angel used to think a bit about what would inevitably do him in.

Arackniss would be pissed about having to get in line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO HAS EMPLOYMENT!
> 
> Me!
> 
> Yeah, I started work. The hours are long and it’s pretty tough, but I’m really happy to have it.
> 
> Might edit this chapter later, but I wanted to post now because today’s my last free day for a while.


	61. A Best Friend’s Privilege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cherri Bomb isn’t impressed with a certain British Edgelord ghosting her.

“ _The caller you’re are trying to reach has an inbox that has not been set up. Please try again later._ ”  
.  
.  
“ _The caller you’re are trying to reach has an inbox that has not been set up. Please try again later._ ”  
.  
.  
.  
“ _The caller you’re are trying to reach has an inbox that has not been set up. Please try again later._ ”

“Pick the fucking phone up, you coward!”

Cherri glared as the phone rang again. 

Once.

Twice.

“ _The caller you’re are trying to reach has an inbox that has not been set up. Please try again later._ ”

“Motherfu-!”

In retrospect, maybe smashing her cellphone into the cold, brick walls of her apartment was overkill, but that’s why she ordered in bulk.

Taking a moment to activate her replacement phone, the cyclops paused, her thumb above the keypad.

She could call again, and _maybe_ she’d get through to one of the eggs if she kept at it, but she wasn’t stupid. The last call had only rung twice, which meant Edgelord was clearly choosing not to answer.

_Or maybe he’s with Angel, plotting to blow up Vox’s HQ or something._

With a shake of her head, Cherri sat down, one hand covering her face.

No, that wasn’t fair. She _knew_ Angel, and there was no way he’d try taking down a beast like Valentino with only that limp noodle as backup.

Whatever bullshit Killjoy and her gimp were spouting was just that - bullshit.

Bullshit that was going to get her best friend murdered by the Overlords.

Or was that her FORMER best friend, seeing how much time he’d been spending with Snake-Dick and Tie-Dye lately?

No. _No._ That wasn’t fair, either. There were times _she_ didn’t hang out with him for weeks or months because she was busy with something or didn’t want to get him involved. He had every right to spend time with other friends.

Hell, Tie-Dye wasn’t even that bad of a choice for a backup bestie. The snake demoness was a bit of a stick in the mud, always so quick to blame her for setting off the _occasional_ bomb near her club, but she’d take a bullet for Angel Dust and they all knew it.

(Except Angel, but he wasn’t so good at realizing people actually liked him, so she couldn’t blame RAIN-Bow for that.)

Wait. 

If she couldn’t get through to Pentious, and Angel’s cell had gone direct to voicemail the last couple times she’d tried it, maybe that living kaleidoscope would know what was going on.

And even if she didn’t, they’d have enough firepower between them to bust into the Happy-Hazbin Hotel and DEMAND some goddamn answers.

She pulled up her phone again, scrolling through her contacts.

Then she remembered getting totally wasted and deleting the other woman’s number after a turf war maybe got a little too close to a party she was performing at.

If Cherri moved immediately after she’d woken up in an attempt to escape the pinkette’s wrath, well, that was between her and the movers she’d threatened into submission.

So, no way of calling her.

Shit.

And Bow was her best lead on the Angel-Pentious situation.

Oh, she was gonna actually need to go to the Rainbow Room, wasn’t she?

Double shit! The things she DID for that drama queen spider!

Fine.

Feather-Head had most likely calmed down by now anyway. For someone with borderline Overlord power, she was a real cream puff.

Too soft, and way too smiley, with the darkest eyes Cherri had ever seen, and a fantastic pair of-

Nope. Not going there again.

Not with _her_ of all people.

Not when Angie wasn’t the only person who didn’t get subtext.

Unlocking her door, Cherri stepped out, a stray breeze ruffling her hair.

This wasn’t about her, it was about Angel.

Totally just about Angel.

She took a couple minutes to redo her signature ponytail and check her makeup in the reflection of a nearby window.

(God-fucking-damnit.)

”Hey, TAXI!”

Cherri wasn’t surprised when the bright yellow car down the block tried to make a break for it, tires spinning fast enough to send up a cloud of dirt and gravel, but she wasn’t exactly upset by it.

Nothing wrong with a little _exercise_ to work out some stress before she made her way over to the Rainbow Room.

”GET THE HELL BACK HERE!”

**Boom!**

”Mercy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No worries, Cherri and Pentious won’t be fighting over Bow. Fighting over a ton of other things, but I’m not setting up love triangles.
> 
> (Also, Cherri would sooner bungee jump off Porn Studios with a TNT vest than admit she sometimes thinks Bow is hot.)
> 
> I have as my headcanon that most demons are at least a little attracted to powerful people, and Bow is about as powerful as you can get without risking your life and sanity by flirting with Valentino or Velvet. Or being one of those MORONS who try flirting with Alastor and are killed instantly.
> 
> Cherri and Bow have sort of a complicated semi-friendship. They both love Angel and can spend some time together as long as he is around, but Cherri is pretty destructive and a large portion of Bow’s success resides in her ability to keep her club a relatively safe place for all sorts of demons, so they tend to also piss each other off a lot.
> 
> Addict hints that Cherri’s had a difficult relationship with relationships, possibly with a partner getting her sent to Hell in the first place. I don’t think she ever made a move on Bow in the past, any attraction aside, and it’s definitely more attraction than genuine feelings in this case.
> 
> (I have no clue if I’ll eventually set Cherri up with someone. An Angel/OC (not Bow) seems more likely to me at the moment. Thoughts?)


	62. Tea for Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow has a lot to think about and a friend comes to offer her support.
> 
> Nobody is happy about it.

With a hiss, another newspaper went up in multicolored flames.

That made five in a row.

Six.

It wasn’t helping.

She was going to _murder_ that blonde news-bitch when she got her claws on her!

As if it wasn’t bad enough before!

Even before the story broke, rumors about the Porn Studios Incident had been making their way around the Pentagram. Nothing concrete, but enough that certain parties knew that Valentino was very interested in arranging a face to face meeting with Sir Pentious and his now former employee, Angel Dust.

Assassins, bounty hunters, and even lesser demons looking for a chance to raise their status were making plans, and she could only buy off or scare away so many.

Even eating the last two to show up, both pretending to be “good friends” with Angel, wondering if he was with her hadn’t kept all of the eyes off her club and apartment.

Plus, the vole demon had given her the worst acid reflux. For about half an hour there, she wouldn’t have been surprised if _she_ started spitting venom, and she wasn’t exactly a cobra!

Speaking of which...

Ange’s beau, Pentious.

Honestly, she was less worried about him. Not that she didn’t care, but doing some research on the other snake had shown that he was much better prepared for what was coming, even if being mobbed by a mix of well wishers and would-be murderers probably wasn’t what he had in mind when he decided to live in a flying house.

Those _Egg Bois_ of his might not have much in the way of muscle, but their small size and identical appearances actually helped a lot in this situation. Nobody would be sneaking in disguised as the help anytime soon, and they wouldn’t go unnoticed even if they REALLY tried.

It was an amusing thought, but she’d save it for later.

For now, she needed a plan. Watchers aside, her club was one of the safest places in the city right now. The hotel might have the princess, but anyone who’d ever MET Charlotte would know she didn’t spend much on security.

There was the Radio Demon, but...y’know...he was the Radio Demon. That could go either way, depending on how much fun he was having.

No, Angel would be safer with her if she could convince him to spend more time at her place.

Pentious could come, too, if...if he wanted.

_Not like he doesn’t already know the way to my bedr- God, **NO!**_

_What’s wrong with me?! He’s Angel’s boyfriend! Am I really THAT desperate?!_

Maybe.

But she still wasn’t doing that to her friend, not now or ever.

Even if she’d wondered, just once or twice, what might’ve happened if she had met the Victorian before he and Angel had gotten together. How that memory could have ended _differently_.

( _”How about we get you ssettled in, alright?”_

 _“Y’takin me to bed, pretty Boa?”_ )

She didn’t need a mirror to tell the scales on her cheeks were changing color.

Not again! 

It was NEVER going to happen, and she needed to get over those weird, intrusive thoughts before they cost her one of the best friends she’d ever had. 

Lock it up and throw it away. 

Nothing to see here.

( _“Want you. Jusst you, Love.”_ )

Nothing.

(“ _I can’t believe I didn’t noticce what you were trying to do when you brought him to meet me, but the way you were yessterday, the way you light up when you talk about him...you never NEEDED him to get my approval, Angel, but he hass it._ ”)

Actually nothing. Yeah, she was in Hell for reasons best left unexplained, and maybe she was violent, manipulative, and possessive, as more than a few of her own beheaded exes could attest (or not, with the whole...no head thing), but there were lows she just wouldn’t sink to.

And that was one of them.

So Angel, he should stay with her for his own safety, and maybe Pentious could stay over with him until the ‘Co-Verlord’ theory lost steam, like most of Killjoy and Trench’s insane _reveals_ did within a couple months.

They could stay together, and she’d be down the hall, like the supportive friend she was.

Really, this could be a GOOD thing! Bow knew her history with love. Spend enough time with someone, especially down here, and they’d show their true colors. Pentious might be a genuinely good person by demon standards, but the little things of living with someone...dishes left in the sink, crumbs on the floor, TVs left on, _grunts and moans coming from the bedroom..._

The **point** was, he’d probably annoy her out of a crush and into a friendship within the first couple days! There was nothing like living with someone to make you not want to live with someone, as her mother always said.

Her many stepfathers would probably agree. 

She should really call Carlos when she had some time. He wasn’t the only one of her regular or semi-relatives in the area, but he was the best of the bunch, and usually gave decent advice when they met up.

Karaoke nights were always more fun with someone willing to sing the other half of a duet who actually COULD sing the other half of a duet without screeching like a banshee or tumbling off the stage in a drugged heap.  
.  
.  
.  
She was getting off topic again.

Angel. The topic was Angel staying safe through the 666 News media shitstorm.

She could keep him safe as long as he was around her, but that wasn’t a foolproof plan by any means. As a mythological animal demon, she was powerful and could scare off most demons shy of an Overlord, but even she couldn’t be on guard all the time.

Demons still had to sleep, after all.

But who?

She couldn’t ask Lucy’s family, and Cody was easily bribed. Rosa was a safer choice, but she had a temper, and might not be able to stop herself from killing the spider herself if Bow left them alone together.

Who could she-

Bang. 

?

Bang. Bang. BANG BANG **BANG!**!

“OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, TIE-DYE! WE NEED TO TALK!”

Oh, good. Cherri. The other demoness would be perfe-

 **BAM!** The sound of breaking wood was audible all the way to the kitchen.

Oh. God. _Cherri._

She felt her feathers puff up as ~~Angel’s~~ her friend ~~wrecked~~ let herself in, her fangs feeling just a tad heavier in her mouth as she put on a welcoming smile.

~~She’d kill anyone else who damaged her building like that and the explosive brat knew it!~~

Always nice to have friends over.

“Pretty sure I scorched part of the dance floor on my way in.”

_You kicked down the door! How the fuck did you scorch my beautiful new floor, you absolute MONSTER?!_

“I...I guesss that’ss what insssurancce iss for. Tea?”


	63. Cursive and Print

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because there hasn’t been too much Pentious in the last few chapters. 
> 
> Time to bring him back into the know.

_~~My dearest Boa~~ _

Much too personal, and he could hardly call her his _Boa_ at this point in their relationship. Not to her, at any rate.

_~~My dearest Bow~~ _

Still too forward for a simple thank you letter.

_~~Dearest Bow~~ _

Closer.

_Dear Miss Bow_

Fine. Better than fine. Good, even.

A perfectly acceptable opening to his missive.

And it had only taken him...thirty-six minutes to reach that decision.

Pentious sighed, setting his quill down at the side of his desk.

This was going to be a _long_ day.

He didn’t need to write a letter. His lovely Boa was unlikely to expect one, given the company she normally kept. And it hardly needed to be some perfectly crafted ode to her many charms. A store bought card and a simple profession of his gratitude would be enough.

For anyone else, but not for him.

The Victorian was self-aware enough to know many of his attitudes were antiquated, and that many other demons who had been lucky enough to survive as many Extermination Days as he had were better adjusted to the times.

_Princess Charlotte_ was older than him by several centuries, and she certainly didn’t act her age.

He didn’t need to write a letter.

But he wanted to. 

He wanted to thank Bow, to tell her how much her simple acts of kindness towards a near-stranger meant to him. To tell her how much he admired her, and that he wanted to see her again. Every day if he could.

_Soon._

After the disastrous misunderstanding at their last meeting, he knew his time was running out. She needed to know that he wasn’t dating Angel, but, just as importantly, she needed to know that she herself was the object of his affections.

As Angel said more than once, people like the feather-haired demoness didn’t stay single for long.

He would lose his chance sooner or later if he failed to announce his intentions.

The phone rang again.

Ugh.

Whoever gave _Cherri Bomb_ his number was going to _suffer!_

He let it ring.

_Dear Miss Bow_  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Perhaps he could just send her an Egg Boi or two? He had enough to spare...

Wait, no. Terrible idea. They all knew about her, and couldn’t keep a secret to save their shells.

Worse, whichever ones he sent would probably try to be his _wingman._

_”Wow, Miss Boa, you really are as pretty as Boss says!”_

_”The Boss is really strong! Once, the Radio Demon kicked him off a building after turning his death ray into a pretzel and he barely screamed! Also, he has this shoe collection-“_

“Hey, Boss!”

“WHAT?!”

Number 7 bounced back, narrowly avoiding a swipe of his tail.

“You’re in the paper! They have a picture and everything, Boss! It’s really great. And Mr. Dust looks really nice in that skirt, too!”

Of all the useless, senseless-

Wait.

“I’m _what?!_ ”


	64. Moving Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pentious finally finds out what literally everyone else in the city already knows.
> 
> A tough decision needs to be made.

**CO-VERLORDS: HOW PRINCESS CHARLOTTE’S ‘HAPPY HOTEL’ SEEKS TO REPLACE THE OVERLORD SYSTEM WITH DEMONS UNDER HER CONTROL**

The words didn’t change, no matter how many times he read through the blasted paper.

**...attack against the Porn Studios headquarters, orchestrated by adult film star Angel Dust and failed wannabe Overlord Sir Pentious...**

This had to be a joke. There was no way-

**...not the first time the pairing of Sir Pentious and Angel Dust have worked together to destroy large sections of the Pentagram...**

They weren’t working _together!_ He’d been trying to kill the spider and Cherri Bomb! At what point did it look like he _wasn’t_ trying to sever their heads from their necks?!

**...The question must be asked, who is pulling the strings? As you may know, Angel has become a member of Princess Charlotte’s rehabilitation program for demons. Not long after 666 News broke the story, a strange series of events...**

So.

_So._

This...wasn’t necessarily life ending.

(It was.)

Trench was as talentless a writer as Killjoy was an anchorwoman; no one with sense would believe this garbage.

(Most people with sense don’t live in Pentagram City. He was fucked.)

And, despite his own preference for the written word, newspaper was a dying medium. Most demons were more likely to try to smoke newsprint than read it.

(It’s absolutely been on the television.)

The important part was

not

to

panic.

( _I’M GOING TO BE FOUND DEAD IN A DITCH! I AM SO SORRY, MY LOVELY BOA! PLEASE HONOR MY MEMORY BY SHUNNING THE TOUCH AND ATTENTIONS OF OTHER MEN! DO **NOT** LET THE EGG BOIS WRITE MY OBITUARY!_)

Pentious felt his eyes water - it wasn’t emotional, he was clawing at his own hood.

_Ow._

Alright.

This was bad, but he couldn’t afford to lose his mind now.

(Kill them all. Killjoy and her minions must _DIE!_ )

What he needed was damage control.

So, what did he need to address?

One: The Overlords. The Pentagram had several, and none of them (except perhaps the Radio Demon) would take the insinuation that he was part of a team plotting their downfall with any measure of acceptance.

Two: Not EVERYTHING in the article was a lie. He and Angel had attacked and seriously harmed Valentino. That lent a measure of credibility to the otherwise false narrative. It would be much harder to disprove, since there was actual evidence out there.

Three: While it wasn’t stated explicitly, the paper had strongly implied that he and the fluffy whore were closer than mere allies. That would hardly help if Miss Bow happened upon a copy.

_She doesn’t like Killjoy, or 666 News. Maybe she hasn’t seen it?_

Four: He was moderately safe for the moment, but it wouldn’t last. His home may travel, but the engines needed time to rest for at least an hour every two days. Even if he could extend that, his food supplies were low. Unless he wanted to eat the help (again) he would need to land sooner rather than later.

Five: Demons with snake-like features were common enough, but full snake demons were rare, and cobras even more so. He didn’t have the option of blending into the crowds while he waited for this to pass. If the Overlords went after him personally or sent their underling in their stead, it would be an easy hunt.

Six: Angel was in at least as much danger as he was, and he lived in a building with a big glowing sign on top.

Actually...

That last one wasn’t entirely a problem. The Hazbin-Happy Hotel was an eyesore, and looked like a tempting target, but it was also known as the home of Lucifer’s only acknowledged heir and was an extension of Alastor’s territory through their business-based alliance.

Being around the red-haired Overlord was a risk, but he was less likely than the others to either believe or take personal offense from the contents of the paper.

And, according to his sources (named Angel), Charlie had a No Murder Inside the Hotel rule that the Overlord had so far adhered to.

Issues one through five needed to be dealt with, but six presented an opportunity.

The hotel was one of the safest places in the city right now, and he knew they had free rooms.

He had at least one ally there who would want to fix this as much as he did.

His Boa already planned on visiting the hotel for game night, so he wouldn’t be entirely deprived of her radiance while there.

_Am I really desperate enough to do this?_

(He was.)

It appeared as though the next step was to request a room of his own in the Happy-Hazbin Hotel.

“Number 7, tell 20 and 22 to reverssse coursse! Make landing as closse to the princesss’ss hotel as we can without damaging the building. We’re not going to want to be out in the open longer than neccesssary.”

“You got it, Boss!”

_God help me, I can already hear the inevitable musical number._

_I’m going to kill that blonde shrew and her little pet. Killjoy, Trench...this ‘failed Overlord wannabe’ is going to make you beg for forgiveness you won’t be granted. Count on it._


	65. Checking In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vaggie has to deal with the result of her girlfriend’s rise to infamy

For all the aggravation that some people (read: Angel and Alastor) put her through on a daily basis, Vaggie had to admit that, up to this point, her position as manager of the Happy Hotel was probably the easiest job she’d ever had, alive or dead.

One “guest,” who tried to be around as little as possible.

One very dutiful employee to handle the cleaning, and limited involvement from the drunk alley cat as long as the bar never ran completely dry.

No food service or concierge work to do.

There were no worries about funding the monstrous building, because it was enchanted to prevent it from falling too much into disrepair and NO ONE in Hell was stupid enough to cut the utilities for a building owned by Lucifer Magne, no matter how late the bills were paid.

The fact that Charlie insisted on paying the bills as quickly as possible, and adding _tips_ if the money was sent over more than a week after the due date...well, that was just how her girlfriend was.

Incredibly strange, but really sweet and caring, even to people who didn’t deserve her care.

“ _AH, IT APPEARS WE HAVE A VISITOR, MY DEAR!_ ”

“Eee! Let’s go!”

 _Especially_ to people who didn’t deserve her care.

With nothing better to do now that Angel was barricaded in his room - and curse whoever finally taught that asshole to use a lock - the gray haired demoness resigned herself to following the love of her afterlife and the widely grinning Reason She Drinks to the lobby.

The Radio Demon said they had a visitor.

The Radio Demon was a _fucking LIAR._

Charlie stared at the crowd, seemingly frozen by an excitement strong enough to take out her higher brain functions.

Beside her, Alastor adjusted his jacket, eyes never leaving a small, slightly plump pig demon trying to get Husk’s attention at the bar.

_Why is he - oh, shit. That’s his ‘I’m looking at the perfect andouille sausage for my jambalaya’ smile, isn’t it? He had that same stupid look on his face when Charlie took us to that outdoor market in the Ring of Gluttony._

The pig, tired of being ignored by the sleeping bartender, started trying to climb _over_ the counter, body wiggling as he tried to hoist himself close enough to the bottles to grab one.

The Look intensified.

Honestly, she was half hoping he followed through. They may have room, but there’s no way a staff of five (give or take) could handle dozens of people who were clearly here because they wanted to learn how to be _worse_ instead of better, so-

“Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! Who’s ready to check in?!”

_Oh no. Please, there has to be at least fifty-_

“I DO!”

“Me! Me! I can pay! Kind of!”

“Princess Charlotte, can I have Vox’s territory? I’m really good with cameras!”

“Sign me UP!”

“Mr. Alastor! Is it true you work with the princess?!”

“ _WHY, OF COURSE! WE’RE PARTNERS, HER AND I! NOW, WHO WANTS A ROOM WITH A VIEW?_ ”

Son.

Of.

A.

Bitch.

The cries came faster and more desperate, the lesser sinners taking the Overlord’s endorsement for all the proof they needed.

“I’m ready to check in!”

“Do you take debit cards?”

“Hey, cyclops chick! HELLOOOOO!”

“I want to be an Overlord!”

“Me too!”

“Me three!”

“HEY, ONE EYE! I’M LOOKING FOR SERVICE HERE!”

“Charlie, I love you!”

Vaggie felt the trusted weight of her spear settle into her hands.

Charlie would be crushed if she severely maimed the intruders, but surely one or two (yes, Mister “Hey, One Eye!” was at the top of the list) ended up in the dumpster behind the pizza place down the street.

At this point, she was ready to skewer the pig, who was now _dancing_ on top of the bar, hooves getting closer to the unsuspecting barkeep’s ear, and serve him up luau style to their resident cannibal if it meant thinning the herd.

Desperately, she turned to Charlie, catching her arm gently but firmly as the blonde tried to make her way over to the now _screaming_ mass.

“Charlie, I know you want guests, but there are too many of them! We can’t handle the hotel so close to full capacity, especially when they don’t even want to behave!”

Charlie’s smile was sweet as always, but Vaggie recognized the manic light in her eyes for what it was, even before she gave her reply.

“I know there’s a lot, but it’s a good thing, Vaggie! They don’t know it yet, but they _need_ us.” A soft, warm hand moved to rest over hers.

She wasn’t going to back down. She was stronger than that, no matter how kind and loving Charlie’s voice was, _she_ was right about this and she couldn’t afford to back down.

“Both of us.”

Vaggie melted.

_Damn it._

The next hour was a blur of noise, the sour smell of too many unwashed demons in a room with barely adequate airflow to begin with, and the mechanical motion of handing out key after key after key.

Even to Pot Roast and Hey Cyclops.

Charlie was glowing with joy.

Vaggie kind of wanted to die again.

_There’s five of us, and I’m being nice counting Husk. We’re so screwed._

So of course, right when they finished getting the last of their new residents to their rooms, that’s when she heard the sound of scales slithering through their door.

“Excussse me, do you know if Angel iss in?”

Of course.

Angel could only hide away so long. As soon as he left his room, she was going to _fillet_ him.

“Hey, Tie-Dye! I said we go in together! Get your feathered ass back here!”

Vaggie hadn’t really believed in Heaven or Hell before her death, but she believed now.

She really, _really_ believed in Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE!
> 
> Work got crazy busy around the holidays, so I’m honestly still pretty exhausted, but I swear I’m continuing this story.


	66. All Friends Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bow and Charlie. Vaggie and Cherri.
> 
> All in all, it could’ve been worse.

Bow smiled as sweetly as she could, big enough to look genuine but not quite wide enough to show her fangs off to Princess Charlotte and what had to be either the girlfriend she’d mentioned before or a particularly attentive bodyguard.

She catered to all types at the Rainbow Room, so getting along with people was almost second nature to her at this point - no matter how obnoxious.

Speaking of obnoxious...

“Look, just quit the bullshit and let us up!”

Cherri just _had_ to do her best to wreck the plan, didn’t she?

The gray demoness glared, eye narrowing distrustfully as Cherri neared the princess.

“We already said no, so back off!”

“Why the fuck not?! He’s our friend, we’re not gonna kill him!”

For whatever reason, that answer didn’t seem to appease the partner/guard at all. Bow recognized the look and once more regretted Angel’s love of pissing people off.

It was only funny when the angry person _couldn’t_ make your afterlife harder in the long run.

Sensing that a fight between the two one-eyed woman was imminent, the feathered serpent decided to cut in by addressing the princess directly.

“Hello again, Ccharlotte.” Please let the strange blonde remember her. “It’ss nicce to sssee you again.”

For her part, the hotel owner picked up on what she was doing and ran with it.

“Bow! It’s so great to see you, too! Vaggie, this is Bow - you remember? She owns that amazing club we went to on our Fifteenth Official Date!”

The gray demoness, Vaggie, allowed herself to be pulled into the conversation, moving closer to the pair with the explosive expert hot on her heels.

“Hi.” It wasn’t a particularly friendly greeting, but it was a lot less hostile, so Bow counted it as a win.

“Anywaaay,” Charlotte smiled as she latched onto her girlfriend, _accidentally_ nudging the hand carrying a very sharp looking spear just enough that it was no longer pointed at either of the uninvited guests, “you wanted to see Angel?”

The words were nice enough, but Bow hadn’t gotten as far as she had in death by ignoring the signs. Hell’s princess might be considered a soft-hearted dumbass by some, but this was still Lucifer’s daughter, and the gleam in those dark eyes....well, she had a feeling that anyone coming after someone Charlotte cared about was going to be in for a very rude awakening.

And maybe it was that, that oh so familiar combination of affection and well-restrained bloodlust, that helped Bow relax enough to be more honest than she had originally planned.

“We ssaw the newss and wanted to make sure he’ss sstill okay. Can we ssee him?”

Cherri hissed something at her, but she kept her eyes locked with the princess’s, willing the message to come across.

_I’m not going to hurt him. I won’t ever hurt him._

The monster in Charlotte looked back and everything seemed to pause for just that moment.

Absolute stillness and silence.

Bow refused to let her nervousness show, even as her instincts urged her to flare her plumage and rise to her full height, anything to make herself look like a less viable target.

Another few seconds passed, and the blackness of Charlott’s eyes receded somewhat, the monster returning to its rest.

Bow’s own inner serpent and avian influences relaxed as she sensed the danger pass.

_God and Satan help anyone who fails her test. That was terrifying._

“Sure! His floor’s kind of crazy right now since we’re storing some luggage there while our new guests get settled, but I’ll go get him!”

“Charlie!”

The princess smiled at her girlfriend. “It’s okay. They’re just here to check on Angel.”

“And how is that okay?! That bastard just made us a target and suddenly _Cherri Bomb_ shows up-“

Slowly, unobtrusively, Bow flicked her tail against the side of Cherri’s boot, shooting her the best ‘Say Nothing’ look in her repertoire - a damn good one if her employees were to be believed.

Cherri glared back, but closed her mouth.

_You heard what that little b-_

_I know, but we need to get to Angel and that means playing nice for now._

_You’re the goddamn Rainbow Demon and I’m Cherri Bomb. We don’t need their permission to see Angel!_

_Do YOU want to attack Lucifer’s daughter, the business partner of the Radio Demon, in her own home? Good luck with that, but I’m not dying again just so you can have a cyclops grudge match. Once was enough!_

“-be back in a few minutes.”

Bow moved to face Charlotte again, hoping that the blonde hadn’t noticed their silent discussion. She didn’t seem to, though Vaggie looked suspicious.

Which was probably normal for her, so not a problem.

“Thank you, Ccharlotte.”

“Call me Charlie! Vaggie can show you to a sitting room. Be back soon!”

In a swish of red and pale yellow, Charlie was gone.

With a sigh, Vaggie gestured to a nearby door. “Over there.”

With one last fang-free smile, Bow herded Cherri into the room, closing the door behind them when it appeared that the other woman would not be following them.

Turning at the same time, Bow and Cherri took in their surroundings.

“Tie-Dye?”

“Yess, Cherri?”

“Is that...are those _blood stains_ on the walls?!”

Bow flicked her tongue out, taking in the faint taste and smell of the old markings that almost seemed to have come through the wallpaper.

“I...yess. That’ss blood.”

“Shit.”


End file.
